Don McMinn

What beauty are we blind to? — Toby Ord

Thornton Wilder’s play, Our Town (for which he won a Pulitzer Prize), is about life in Grover’s Corners, a small town in New Hampshire. One of the main characters is Emily Webb. The play follows her from a precocious young girl through her wedding to George Gibbs, and her early death.

In act three, Emily returns from the afterlife and visits her hometown, wanting to relive one day—her 12th birthday. She joyfully watches her parents and some of the people of her childhood, but her joy soon turns to pain as she realizes how little people appreciate the simple joys of life. She realizes how every moment of life—particularly the small, simple, mundane aspects—should be treasured. 

When she visits her grave on the hill, she says, “Good-by, good-by, world. Good-by, Grover’s Corners…Mama and Papa. Good-by to clocks ticking…and Mama’s sunflowers. And food and coffee. And new-ironed dresses and hot baths…and sleeping and waking up. Oh, earth, you’re too wonderful for anybody to realize you.” 

She then looks toward the stage manager and asks abruptly, through her tears, “Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?—every, every minute” The stage manager replies, “No. The saints and poets, maybe—they do some.” The play ends.

I’m admonishing myself in this post. I like to stay busy: I always have a to-do list, I’m goal-oriented, I don’t like to waste time, and I’m inordinately time-sensitive. But I’m probably missing out on a lot of wonderful things in life. I need to recalibrate my life so that I notice and savor small, slow, and simple things that don’t cry out for my attention but will reward it. 

Things like: Buddy’s bark, Benjamin’s freckles, a perfectly shaped cluster of grapes, a well-tuned chord, holding Mary’s hand, a fresh blackberry, a perfectly still lake, a well-written phrase, a kind gesture, growing a plant from seed, the sound of thunder in the distance, the smell of a sliced lemon, gravity exerting its influence on a tomato plant.

Psychologist Carl Rogers noted, “The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.” He advocated launching “fully into the stream of life.” Our lives will be richer if we embrace adjectives such as enriching, rewarding, awe-inspiring, meaningful, and yes—small, slow, and simple.

In his must-read book, How to Know a Person, New York Times journalist David Brooks warns about having a static mindset toward people. He writes, “Some people formed a certain conception of you, one that may even have been largely accurate at some point in time. But then you grew up. You changed profoundly. And those people never updated their models to see you now for who you really are.”

I recently conversed with a colleague I had not talked to in 30 years. Years ago, because of my own insecurities and professional competitiveness, I had pre-judged him—thinking him to be aloof and condescending—and that initial impression had endured through the decades. In our recent conversation, I found him to be approachable, generous, and engaging. I misjudged him in those early years but I also sensed that time has mellowed both of us. I look forward to pursuing our friendship.  

I wonder what he has thought of me through the years.

People change, so we should adopt a flexible mindset that allows us to recalibrate our opinions about them. I am not the same person I was several years ago and neither are you. Hopefully we have all changed for the better. 

Updating our perceptions is a grace we extend to other people, and we hope they do the same for us.  

So when you reengage with someone from the past, assume that time and life has worn down the rough edges of their persona and they have grown and matured.

In 1997, managers at Samsung didn’t question a $13 billion investment that would take the company into the automobile industry because the idea’s champion, Samsung Chairman and CEO Kun-Hee Lee, was a forceful personality and a car buff. When Samsung Motors folded only a year into production, Lee wondered why no one had expressed reservations. (Teams That Click, HBSP, pg. 74)

Robust dialogue could have prevented Samsung’s debacle.

Simply stated, robust dialogue occurs in a group when everyone is encouraged, allowed, and even required to give their unfiltered input on issues. The value of robust dialogue is: Every idea or plan will be improved upon when submitted to the unfiltered wisdom and input of others.

Robust dialogue is not just the right thing to do; it is the best thing to do. It’s not just politically correct, it is practically helpful.

The prelude to robust dialogue may sound like this:

• • • The boss says, “I’ve got an idea and I would really value everyone’s input. I want you to be totally honest.”
    • A team member says, “My division is thinking about offering a new service, but before we get very far down the road, I want to get your opinion on the project.”
    • A team member says, “I think we’re going in the wrong direction on this project.”

Bossidy and Charan teach that robust dialogue is based on openness, candor, and informality.

• • • Openness—people are not trapped by preconceptions; they’re open-minded.
    • Candor—people speak candidly and express their real opinions. Truth is valued more than harmony.
    • Informality—informal dialogue invites questions, mental experimentation, and creative and critical thinking. Formality suppresses dialogue and leaves little room for debate.
      (Execution: The Discipline of Getting Things Done, pg. 102)

Robust dialogue will help maintain a transparent and healthy workplace. It’s amazing how often there’s an elephant in the room, but no one is willing to acknowledge it. Clarke and Crossland warn, “Every time your team avoids the critical ‘real issues,’ you lose. Every time the discussion outside the meeting room—physical or virtual—is dramatically different from the discussion inside the room, you lose.” (The Leader’s Voice, pg. 118)

Often, we avoid challenging dialogue because we value unanimity and harmony. But when we ignore the tough issues, we inadvertently dilute any sense of consensus; true alliance is achieved only when all the major issues have been identified and wrestled with. Consensus is good, unless it is achieved too easily, in which case it becomes suspect.

Robust dialogue is not only helpful in the workplace, it will also improve dialogue among family members and friends. See a previous post – Don’t go to Abilene — for an example of how robust dialogue might help family communications.

If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time. Zig Ziglar

Mary and I love to travel. Twenty five years ago we set a goal of visiting 60 countries before we die.  In April , 2024 we toured Chili, Argentina, and Uruguay. When we set foot in Montevideo, Uruguay we reached our goal. That afternoon we upgraded our aspirations to 80 by 80. We’re in our early 70’s so I think that’s doable. I’ve challenged my 9-year-old grandson to adopt 30 by 30 as a life-goal. He’s already been to seven countries.

For the past 47 years (that’s how long we’ve been married), during the week between Christmas and New Years Day, Mary and I talk about goals – evaluating those we have been working on and setting new ones. Years ago we set a goal of becoming debt-free and accomplished that in 2010. Early in our marriage we dreamed of our daughters getting a good education (they graduated from Juilliard and Columbia).

Some of our goals are more simple: this year (2024) we want to host a monthly dinner with friends. We want to reimagine our backyard. I’m teaching Ben music.

Goal setting is so beneficial. Goals clarify intent and focus resources. Without them, we may drift through life, accomplishing little.

Here are some guidelines for goal setting:

• • • Set goals in all major areas of life: financial, relational, physical, professional, spiritual, social, and intellectual.
    • Write them down. It’s not sufficient to simply talk about them. Steven Covey teaches that, “Writing bridges the conscious and subconscious mind. Writing is a psycho-neuromuscular activity that literally imprints the brain.”
    • Regularly, measure and review your progress. If you don’t, goals will lose their purchase and denigrate into wishful thinking.
    • Most of your goals should be practical and achievable, but some should be stretch-goals. A Chinese proverb says, “He who aims for the stars shoots higher than he who aims for the trees.”
    • Don’t bludgeon yourself if you don’t accomplish all your goals. Partially completed goals can be very fulfilling because sometimes the journey is just as rewarding as arriving at the final destination.

What will happen if you don’t set and pursue goals? Most likely you’ll underutilize your gifts and resources and not reach your potential. Hockey legend Wayne Gretzky said, “You’ll miss one hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.”

“Que sera, sera. Whatever will be will be” is a cute song to sing but a lousy philosophy on which to build your life. Decide now that you’re going to set and accomplish meaningful goals.

For further reading…

An article in the March 24, 1972 issue of Life magazine featured John Goddard who, at age 15, wrote down 127 goals which he wanted to accomplish in his lifetime.

Included in his goals were: climb Mounts Kilimanjaro, Ararat, Fuji, McKinley (and thirteen others); visit every country in the world; learn to fly an airplane; retrace the travels of March Polo and Alexander the Great; visit the North and South Poles, Great Wall of China, Taj Mahal (and other exotic areas); become an Eagle Scout; dive in a submarine; play flute and violin; publish an article in National Geographic magazine; learn French, Spanish and Arabic; milk a poisonous snake; read the entire Encyclopedia Britannica; and other goals, similar in variety and scope.

By age 47, Goddard had accomplished 103 of these goals and was in the process of completing several others. Goddard was neither wealthy nor gifted when he began his amazing saga of adventure and accomplishment. He was just a young boy who believed all things were possible and that he could accomplish his goals.