Don McMinn

We should all have a vision of our future selves. An upgraded version of who we currently are. What do we want to be more of (kind, patient, healthy, friendly) or less of (selfish, nervous, fearful)? We should aspire to be better than we currently are.

But once we have identified areas that need improvement, how do we make the changes? The key is daily practice. Long-lasting change doesn’t happen immediately; it develops gradually. Behavior modification takes time. 

Here are two areas of my life that I want to improve, so I practice them daily.

Be a better listener.

Recently, I had a conversation with the help desk at a major cruise line. It went something like this:

Don — I’m calling about reservation QRDTGG. The Regal Princess ship leaves Ft. Lauderdale on April 17 and ends in Barcelona.

Agent — I’m here to help you. Do you have a reservation?

Don — Yes, it’s QRDTGG.

Agent — What is the departure city?

Don — I’ve already told you.

Agent — What is the departure date?

Don — Are you listening to me?

The conversation continued to deteriorate. The agent might have been hearing what I was saying but he wasn’t listening.

This frustrating encounter caused me to analyze my own conversational skills. Do I listen intently to what others are saying, or does my mind wander to other things?

I want to be a better, more focused listener, so I’m practicing that every day.

I also want to make my “resting face” more pleasant.

Our resting face is how we look when we’re not intentionally manipulating our face to look pleasant or engaged. It’s our default setting: the way we look when we’re alone. The challenge is, when we’re around people and particularly when we’re in conversations, our resting fact is inadequate. We need to change to an engagedface.

Sometimes a resting face unintentionally creates the impression that we’re angry, annoyed, irritated, or contemptuous, although we may simply be relaxed, resting, or not expressing any particular emotion.

I realized I had a problem in this area when Mary and my daughters would sometimes ask. “Don are you upset? Is everything okay? Are you mad at me?” My bland countenance left them wondering. If my family is struggling with interpreting my mood because of my sour countenance, I’m sure other people are too. 

So, I want to permanently change my resting face into a pleasant, more open countenance. I want to have a subtle but constant smile. It will take time, perhaps years. But I’ll practice every day. 

Here’s my challenge to you: Identify three or four areas of your life that you want to change and on a daily basis practice the new behavior. 

Last month, my HR department asked me to write an incident report about an event that happened at work. In the report I wrote, “I was standing in the break room when Ken and Nancy walked in.” In Ken’s report, he wrote, “Nancy and I were in the break room when Don walked in.”

So, who was right? Upon deeper reflection, I was wrong. My memory—even of a recent event—was inaccurate.

But I’m not the only one who succumbs to this human fallacy—we all do. Our memories are riddled with inaccuracies. 

Ulric Neisser was a German-American psychologist and member of the US National Academy of Sciences. He has been referred to as the “father of cognitive psychology”. His primary area of research was about perception and memory. In 1986, the day after the Challenger space shuttle exploded, he asked his students to write a paper about when and how they learned about the disaster. Three years later, he interviewed these students and asked them to recall what they had written. Less than seven percent of their comments correlated with their initial submissions. Fifty percent of their recollections were incorrect in two-thirds of the points and twenty-five percent failed to match even a single detail. One student had first written that she was in her apartment when she heard the news; three years later she said she was at work. One student had written that he was with friends; later he was sure that he was by himself.

When President Lincoln died, his Secretary of War, Edwin Stanton, allegedly said, “Now he belongs to the ages.” But James Tanner, a young soldier who was asked to take notes of the last hours of Lincoln’s life and who was in the room at the time of this death, wrote that Stanton said, “Now he belongs to the angels.” Was it ages or angels? It’s hard to know. Read here for an in-depth discussion of this interesting conflict of recorded history.

My best friend growing up was Brandy. Now we live in different cities but visit several times a year. We inevitably talk about the “good ol’ days.” Sometimes our recollection of events are drastically different.  Like, “We were in Mexico when that happened.”  “No, we were in Dallas.” What?

Perplexing, isn’t it? How should we respond to mankind’s unstable and fallible memory? 

For starters, don’t be so cocksure about what you remember. You’re probably often wrong. Secondly, be skeptical about other people’s recollections. When someone recounts an experience, hold it loosely.

Years ago, I attended a meeting in which my boss asked several of us our opinion about an impending decision he needed to make. Robust dialogue ensued. But we later discovered that he had already made the decision before asking for our input. We felt used and manipulated.

The French have a term for that—fait accompli—a thing that has already happened or been decided, before those affected hear about it, leaving them with no option but to accept it; a thing accomplished and presumably irreversible. 

Fait accompli is deceptive and discourteous; it’s a form of lying.

Let’s consider it from two perspectives.

Don’t do it to others. 

• • • Don’t ask your family where they want to go on vacation if you’ve already solidified a trip.
    • As a leader, If you’ve already made a decision, just announce it.  Don’t waste people’s time by asking them to think or talk about it. If you’re 90% sure that you’re going to make a particular decision but want to get some last-minute input, be upfront about your leanings, but don’t ask for input if your mind is made up.  

Beware of when you’re being manipulated.

• • • If you suspect that you’re being manipulated in this way, call it out: “Is this decision already made?” 
    • If you know for sure that a decision has already been made, don’t waste your brain cells thinking about it.

The term “fait accompli” can also refer to what has already been done and cannot be changed. Synonyms would include: done deal, completed act, “it is what it is.” If this is the case, just accept reality and move on.

For instance:

John –  “I can’t believe our boss is requiring us to work the next two weekends.”

Jane – “Well, there’s no point in continuing to talk about it, it’s fait accompli. Let’s just make the best of it.”

Learn to spot fait accompli and carefully respond to it.