Don McMinn

When  left undirected, many conversations among groups of people are trivial, undirected, and unbalanced. This first became clear to me when I met with a group of older men who had been meeting together once a week for years. I assumed that because they had met so often, they knew each other well. But I soon realized that they had never talked about serious issues of life; they just repeated the same conversations about the weather, sports, and news. Two of the men were unaware they were both veterans of WW2.

I continued to meet with this group each week for several months. Once I became a trusted member, I started “orchestrating” the conversations by asking questions and encouraging everyone to respond. I started with simple, non-invasive questions like, “Where were you born and what was the first ten years of your life like?” Eventually we shared on a deeper level, “What’s been the biggest challenge of your life? What are your dreams for the next 10 years?” As the conversations deepened, so did the relationships. 

Currently, when I’m with a group of people (family, friends, colleagues), I often initiate topics to discuss, and ask everyone to share their thoughts. Once you create a safe environment where people are free to share their thoughts, and suggest a meaningful topic, good conversation ensues. 

Where do the questions come from? I make most of them up on the spot, based on the group. But there are hundreds of good ice-breaker questions. I recently Googled conversation starters and found these.

1. 1. If you could dedicate your life to solving one problem, what would it be?
   2. What is the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?
   3. How many uses are there for a brick?
   4. Who is the most famous person you have met?

Mary reminds me to not dominate conversations with my questions; sometimes people just want to chit-chat. But adding some direction and purpose to conversations helps deepen relationships  and leads to interesting conversations. 

The next time you’re with a group of people, try it.

Psychologist Arthur Aron has written 36 questions arranged in three sets. The questions become progressively more engaging and require a deeper level of sharing.

SET I

1. • Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
   • Would you like to be famous? In what way?
   • Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
   • What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
   • When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
   • If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
   • Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
   • Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
   • For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
   • If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
   • Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
   • If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

SET II

1. • If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
   • Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
   • What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
   • What do you value most in a friendship?
   • What is your most treasured memory?
   • What is your most terrible memory?
   • If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
   • What does friendship mean to you?
   • What roles do love and affection play in your life?
   • Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
   • How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
   • How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

SET III

1. • Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “
   • Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “
   • If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
   • Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
   • Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
   • When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
   • Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
   • What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
   • If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
   • Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
   • Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
   • Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Emotional contagion is a term coined by behavioral scientists for a fairly universal aspect of human nature—that we tend to mirror the mood signals of others. We tend to mimic verbal, physiological and behavioral aspects of another person’s emotional experience and thus experience the same emotion. When someone smiles at us, we are likely to smile in response, which in turn makes us feel more positively about them and our circumstances in general. Laughter will tend to prompt laughter, anger will prompt anger, and tears will prompt tears. Emotions can be “caught” – transmitted from one person to many.  

Emotional contagion is an important trait. It’s what allows a parent to comfort a child so effectively. It allows us to immediately adjust our demeanor when we come into contact with others.

Marketing and PR companies have long utilized emotional contagion by associating positive images dan feelings with certain brands. Commercials are filled with smiling actors doing fun things even though what they’re doing has little relationship to the product being promoted. Some critics deride this as “emotional engineering or emotional manipulation” but it obviously works to sell products.

Use emotional contagion to positively empathize with and affect others. Also, be aware of how you may be manipulated by it— buying that new car may not bring the happiness, prestige, or contentment suggested by the advertisements promoting the car.

Here’s a video of my family riding in a van from London to Southampton. Everyone was in a somber mood because of the rainy weather. I decided to brighten up the ambience using emotional contagion. We laughed till our sides ached.

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I recently strolled down the aisles of our local Whole Foods grocery store. I couldn’t help but notice that they offer twelve types of apples. Twelve. Likewise, the menu at Starbucks is extreme. Choosing a 401(k) plan is complicated. Deciding on a cable provider and the level of programming can take an inordinate amount of time. There are just too many choices. 

American psychologist Barry Schwartz advises against offering so many choices.

In his book, The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less, Schwartz argues that sometimes, offering fewer choices is better than offering many. A large selection can lead to paralysis and indecision. 

For instance, eliminating consumer choices can greatly reduce anxiety for shoppers. 

To test this theory, a supermarket set up a stand where customers could sample 24 varieties of jelly. They could try as many as they liked and then buy them at a discount. The next day, the owners carried out the same experiment with only six flavors. They sold ten times more jelly on day two. The first day, the wide range of choices was overwhelming to customers so they bought less.

Because modern Americans value autonomy, self-determination, and freedom of choice, we assume that more choices mean better options and greater satisfaction. But apparently, there is a level at which too many choices is counterproductive.

Choice overload can make you question your decisions before you even make them, it can set you up for unrealistically high expectations, and it can make you blame yourself if you choose unwisely. In the long run, too many options can lead to decision-making paralysis, anxiety, discontentment, and may cause us to confuse the unimportant with the important.  

The key is balance: Offer people choices but not too many. And when making personal choices, consider fewer and simpler options, and don’t belabor making decisions.

Problem: We often know what to do, but we don’t do it.
Solution: Err toward action, and measure results.

Knowing what to do is not enough; we must do. In some cases, the gap between knowing and doing is more inhibiting than the gap between ignorance and knowing. Competitive advantage comes from being able to do something others can’t or don’t do.

To avoid the knowing-doing gap, realize that:

1. 1. Talking is not a substitute for action. Talking about something is not the equivalent of actually doing it. Rhetoric is often an essential first step, but eventually something has to get done and someone has to do it.
      Beware of people who:
      • Talk too much. Sometimes there is an inverse relationship between how much a person talks and his ability to get things done.
      • Use “smart language” or technical jargon. Complex language and ambiguous terminology confuses people and inhibits action. People who resort to this may be hiding behind incompetence.
      • Are critical. Some people try to sound smart by criticizing other people’s ideas.
   2. Making decisions is not a substitute for action. By itself, a decision changes nothing.
   3. Preparing documents is not a substitute for action.
   4. Planning is not a substitute for action.
   5. Just because something is easy to understand doesn’t mean it will be easy to implement.

How to close the gap

1. 1. When possible, learn by doing; “If you do it, then you will know it.”
      When you learn by doing, there is no knowing-doing gap. Knowledge that is actually implemented is much more likely to be acquired from learning by doing than from learning by reading, listening, or even thinking. Surgeons follow a three-step process of learning their trade: “hear one, see one, do one.”
   2. Always err toward action. This creates opportunities for learning by doing. It helps to establish a cultural tone that action is valued and that talk and analysis without action are unacceptable. Use rapid prototyping to see if things work and then modify them on the basis of that experience.
   3. Fear can foster knowing-doing gaps. Setbacks and mistakes should be seen as an inevitable, even desirable, part of being action oriented. Action-oriented people make mistakes so provide a “soft landing.” “Learning is an extension of the word trying.” Nanus and Bennis
   4. Measure results, not actions. “The foundation of any successfully run business is a strategy everyone understands coupled with a few key measures that are routinely tracked” (Dean Tjosvold). Often, measuring many things is counterproductive; measuring more things will not necessarily get more of the right things done; but do measure important metrics. Don’t measure activity; measure results.
   5. As a leader, adopt an apprenticeship approach to managing your team members; be a coach, not just a teacher or mentor. Unfortunately, knowing by doing is, initially, a less cost-effective way of transmitting knowledge and changing behavior (it is counterintuitive to much of our Internet-driven culture), but ultimately, it is the best way.