Author: Don McMinn

An important part of all close, intimate relationships is the mutual sharing of terms of endearment.

Terms of endearment are spoken words, often accompanied by body language, that communicate love, affection, appreciation, commitment, and value. These expressions don’t take a long time to convey, yet they are very impactful. Without them, a relationship can become stale, disconnected, or insecure.

I often approach my 10-year old grandson and say “Benjamin, you’re such a wonderful boy and I love you so much. I think about you throughout the day.” And then I kiss him on the forehead.

I’ll say to my wife, “Mary, I love so much, and I’m glad we have each other. You’re a wonderful wife, mother, and grandmother.” Followed by a warm embrace.

I’m quite sure my father loved me, but he never told me. And he never said things like, “Don, I’m proud of you. I love you very much”.  Also lacking were physical expressions – hugs, a pat on the back, a kiss on the forehead.

Examine your close relationships. Are moments of tender expression missing? Are you generous with sharing terms of endearment or are they few and far between? It’s never too late to change. It may feel awkward at first, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.

If you’re in a leadership position, don’t neglect speaking words of affirmation and support to team members. Phrases like, “I really appreciate your hard work. You are so good at what you do. Your people skills are superb. I totally trust your judgment.” can be life-giving to people in your organization.

 Almost all human relationships can benefit from terms of endearment. They are also an important part of our relationship with God. He says to us, “I will never leave you or forsake you. I love you with an everlasting love. My future plans for you are all good.” We should reciprocate by expressing to Him our adoration and praise. You can create your own phrases or recite phrases from poets and lyricists. Hymns such as My Jesus I Love Thee, Fairest Lord Jesus, and Jesus, the Very Thought of Thee are replete with meaningful phrases. 

Let’s get good at this. I can’t think of any downside.

 

For the last 14 months of its life, the check engine light in my old Subaru Forester (230,000 miles) was constantly on. I would fix one issue that triggered the alarm and then another would flare up. I became so weary of the issue that I didn’t even want to have it checked out. I just ignored the light and would have disconnected it had I known how to. 

Years ago (before Mary and I vowed to live debt-free) when our credit card bill would get out of hand, I avoided checking the balance because I knew it was high and out of control.

In both cases, I was exhibiting the ostrich effect (OE).

According to a persistent myth, ostriches bury their heads in the sand when they’re scared or feel threatened. They think they are safe if they can’t see the danger. (They don’t really do that.) 

The ostrich effect is a cognitive bias that causes people to avoid information that they perceive as potentially unpleasant. From a psychological standpoint, OE is the result of the conflict between what our rational mind knows to be important and what our emotional mind anticipates will be painful. Instead of helping, it drains us of time, energy, and resources and offers nothing of value in return. 

Here are some examples of the ostrich effect

• • • You avoid getting a professional medical diagnosis because you’re afraid of hearing bad news (although, ironically, health information is crucial for health maintenance).
    • You regularly check your retirement fund when the market is going up but not when it’s going down (although, to manage your money wisely, you need consistent data).
    • Parents may hesitate to have a child who is having trouble in school tested.
    • A business executive may postpone delving into what may be problems in the organization.

As is often the case with cognitive biases, the first step towards clarity is self-awareness. We must realize and admit that we’re falling prey to unhealthy thinking. I think the ostrich effect is one of the easiest biases to recognize: Just identify areas in your life in which you’re procrastinating or reluctant to get information because you think it might be bad news. 

The antidote to the ostrich effect is also simple and straightforward: Immediately pursue areas that you’re avoiding and pursue them aggressively. Put them at the top of your to-do-list; pledge that you’ll not eat again until you address the issues.  

The ostrich effect offers no value—there’s no upside—but overcoming it is very beneficial. As the Bible says, “The truth will set you free,” even if the truth is unpalatable.

I’ve been to India four times. India has been described as a “shock to the senses”—what you see, hear, smell, taste, and feel often seems otherworldly. 

It’s difficult to grasp how populous the country is. One of my hosts tried to explain by saying: “There are more honor students (top 10% of the class) in India than there are students in America, simply because there are so many high school students in India.” 

On the first day of my first trip to India, my host warned me: “Don, while in New Delhi, you will probably be approached by a woman carrying a baby. She will try to engage with you, show you a beautiful infant, and then she will offer to let you hold the baby. Do not take the baby in your arms because the woman will walk away and the baby will be yours. Then you’ll have to find an orphanage to take it, or you’ll have to place the baby down on the sidewalk and walk away (children are sometimes abandoned on the streets by desperate mothers). Whatever you do, don’t pick up the baby.” 

I’ve thought of that story often. The moral of the anecdote is: think carefully before you get involved in, or become responsible for, something that is not your responsibility and something that may incumber you for a long time. It may be a kind and generous act that you’re contemplating, but think carefully before committing. 

Sometimes you may be called upon to “pick up the baby” because it is your baby—for instance, accepting responsibility for a family member. But sometimes the “baby” may be a friend, employee, or neighbor, in which case you do have a choice whether or not to get involved. If you do pick it up, know when and how to put it down.

Leaders:

1. 1. Think carefully before taking a position with an organization that is spiraling downward. You may be “picking up” something you’ll later wish you hadn’t.
   2. When selecting team members, go slow and be sure; it’s easy to hire but hard to fire. When selecting team members don’t be naive or unduly empathetic toward questionable candidates. Don’t pick up the baby.

Individually:

1. 1. Be wise and vigilant before committing to primary relationships (spouse, having children) because they’re hard to disengage from.
   2. If you have “picked up a baby” consider if and how you can “put it down.”

This is a difficult topic.

 

Let’s start with an object lesson.

Hold an object in your hand—like a pencil, book, or napkin—extend your arm full-length, and drop the object on the floor. It’s a very visceral experience. 

Now metaphorically place in your hand something that you’re frustrated about but don’t have any control over, or something you’re needlessly upset about. Extend your arm full-length. Before you move a muscle, make a decision that when you release your grip – when you drop – you’ll also release the troubling issue from your mind. You’ll no longer talk about it, worry about it, or replay the mental tapes associated with it. 

Now uncurl your fingers and drop it.

I know this may sound like new-age, self-help, nonsense. But I have found it to be a helpful exercise to mentally and emotionally release something that has an inordinate and unhealthy hold on my mind.

Sometimes Mary and I use this exercise during a conversation to help each other deal with an issue one of us is stuck on. When she senses that I’m getting worked up over something that’s either unimportant or an issue that I have no control over, she’ll close her fist, extend her arm, and drop it. I immediately know what’s she’s suggesting.  

Sometimes I get unnecessarily torqued over insignificant issues.

Recently, I was bothered when my physician prescribed an antibiotic that no pharmacy in town had in stock. When I called his office he changed the prescription to a common, readily available medicine. But why didn’t he do that the first time? 

I lingered over that incident longer than necessary. When I told Mary what had happened, she gave me the sign, and I dropped it. 

Sometimes I get worked up about something that is out of my control or my ability to influence.

Political shenanigans come to mind. Most of us bemoan the state of affairs in our country (regardless of which side of the aisle you support) and while we do have the right to vote, much of what goes on in the short term is beyond our control. I often remind myself to drop the frustration I have relative to our politicians.

The beginning of Reinhold Niebuhr’s Serenity Prayer is good advice:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

This advice can bring relief to minor, daily distractions. Yesterday someone cut me off in traffic. At first I was upset, but then I dropped it. There was an issue at work that bothered me more than it should have. But then I dropped it.

This advice can bring relief to major issues that happened long ago. Years ago I was fired from my job. I harbored hard feelings about the incident for a long time, but one day I “dropped it”, and it’s not bothered me since.

Learn the skill of “dropping it” and use it on a regular basis.