Don McMinn

I saw the following statement on the front of a T-shirt (a notable and always reliable source of profound information). 

A goldfish is the happiest animal on earth because it has a 10-second memory.

The statement is false (scientific studies debunk the idea), but it does make a good point: There’s value in leaving the past behind and living in the moment. So let’s use this silly, humorous statement to discuss an important topic. 

We humans are, perhaps, the most unhappy sentient beings on earth because we continue to dwell on things we should let go of; things in our past continue to adversely affect us. In these instances we would benefit from a short memory. 

I’m not suggesting that we ignore, deny, or try to erase painful memories. But we can properly and thoroughly process past experiences so they don’t continue to handicap us. The troubling event is still there but it’s been diffused.

Sometimes, we need to simply “drop” minor offenses and inconveniences; such as: Your plane is delayed; someone makes a tacky comment about you; you’re cut off in traffic. Learn to simply dismiss these minor issues. Here’s a post I wrote about mastering the helpful skill of “dropping it.”  

More importantly, we need to properly process and manage major, painful issues from the past such as: a dysfunctional upbringing, getting fired from a job, a major illness, or failed marriage. It’s difficult to just “drop” these issues; they need to be processed, ideally with help from a professional counselor or a wise friend. These issues are often deeply impeded, sometimes difficult to identify, and complicated to resolve.  

One downside to the goldfish syndrome (if it was real) would be that favorable experiences in life—memories that we should remember, savor, and be grateful for—would be lost. So I’m not suggesting we wipe our memories clean; just mitigate the painful and embrace the positive. 

We will find ourselves in a place of quiet rest when we properly process recent and distant past experiences. Disempower the painful and savor the good.  

I have the privilege of working for an extraordinary man, Chuck Swindoll. He’s smart, kind, competent, fair, engaging…the list goes on and on. He’s the greatest person I’ve know personally. 

One of the things I love and respect about Chuck is that he insists on being called Chuck. Not doctor or president or chancellor (he held both positions at a major seminary), or even pastor; he wants his colleagues, friends, admirers, and even children to call him Chuck. I like that; it’s admirable and right.

Years ago I worked with a man who had an honorary doctorate and he insisted on being addressed as Dr., even by his wife when they were in public. Ugh…

In our culture we often overuse titles and postnominals. Why don’t we just use first names? Or, better yet, here’s a meaningful, egalitarian term that implies unity and solidarity.   

I like the term comrade. 

Because of its common usage in portrayals of the Soviet Union in Cold War films and books, the term has become strongly associated with Russo-Soviet communism, even though the Russian word is tovarisch, not comrade. Admit it: When you read the title of this post, what came to mind? Did you resist the term?

But the term comrade (which means “mate, colleague, ally, team member”) actually derives from the Spanish and Portuguese term camarada. Political use of the term was inspired by the French Revolution (following the Revolution, French titles of nobility were abolished), after which it grew into a common and preferred form of address between members of a group regardless of class, rank, or status. Indeed, in communist Russia, Nikita Khrushchev, premier of the Soviet Union, would greet a factory worker by calling him tovarisch, and the factory worker felt comfortable calling Khrushchev tovarisch.

But the word has been misunderstood and sullied by social and historical influences, so I’m going to use it sparingly. If I know you have read this post, I may, with a concealed smile, greet you as comrade. But when I stand before the congregation at my church, I’ll refrain.

Just call me Don, or comrade. 

Years ago, I observed that if left undirected, many conversations among groups of people are awkward, trivial, and unbalanced. This first became clear to me when I met with a group of older men who had been meeting together once a week for years. I assumed that because they had met so often that they knew each other well. But I soon realized that they had never talked about serious issues of life; they just repeated the same conversations about the weather, sports, and news. Two of the men were unaware they were both veterans of WW2.

I continued to meet with this group each week for several months. Once I became a trusted member, I started “orchestrating” the conversations by asking questions and encouraging everyone to respond. I started with simple, non-invasive questions like, “Where were you born and what was the first ten years of your life like?” Eventually we shared on a deeper level, “What’s been the biggest challenge of your life? What are your dreams for the next 10 years?” As the conversations deepened, so did the relationships. 

Currently, when I’m with a group of people (my family, friends, colleagues), I often initiate topics to discuss, and ask everyone to share their thoughts. Once you create a safe environment where people are free to share their thoughts, and then suggest a meaningful topic, good conversation ensues. 

Where do the questions come from? I make most of them up on the spot, based on the group. But there are hundreds of good ice-breaker questions. I recently Googled conversation starters and found these.

1. If you could dedicate your life to solving one problem, what would it be?
2. What is the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?
3. How many uses are there for a brick?
4. Who is the most famous person you have met?

Mary reminds me to not dominate conversations with my questions; sometimes people just want to chit-chat. But adding some direction and purpose to conversations helps deepen relationships and and leads to interesting conversations. 

The next time you’re with a group of people, try it.

Psychologist Arthur Aron has written 36 questions arranged in three sets. The questions become progressively more engaging and require a deeper level of sharing.

SET I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

SET II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

SET III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

In the past ten years I’ve led groups of friends on annual trips to Paris, London, Europe, the Mediterranean, Baltic States, Russia, and North Africa. We’ve never had a malfunction or bad experience; just memorable, life-enhancing moments. I call these trips — Travel with Friends.

In July 2021, I took 18 people on a once-in-a-lifetime trip to one of the great historical and geographical countries in the Southern Hemisphere — Peru. Here’s a short video about our trip.

Travel takes time and money, but it’s worth the investment. You’ll be stretched and challenged, and you’ll learn more about the world in which you live and the life you live in the world.

Soon, I’ll announce a trip scheduled for October, 2022.