Don McMinn

A salesman at a furniture store told a customer, “This sofa will seat five people without any problems.”

The customer asked, “Where am I going to find five people without any problems?”

Truth is, it’s impossible to find even one person without problems. We’re all plagued by challenges and difficult issues. 

In this post we’ll consider five ways to mitigate the inevitable problems of life. While they can’t be eliminated, we can learn skills that will lessen their impact on our lives. 

George Eman Vaillant, an American psychiatrist and professor at Harvard Medical School, was the chief curator of a massive 75-year research project which focused on one main question: What makes us happy? The project followed 268 men who entered college in the late 1930s and followed them through war, career, marriage and divorce, parenthood and grandparenthood, and into old age.

The study produced many insights into what makes humans happy. Among the findings, Vaillant identified five coping mechanisms that lead to greater growth, positive mental health, improved human relationships, and successful careers. 

We’re well aware of unhealthy (maladaptive) coping mechanisms: excessive sleeping, eating, or alcohol consumption; avoidance, denial, excessive working, procrastination, social withdrawal, aggression. Vaillant found five healthy ways we can respond to difficult experiences. 

The next time you encounter one of life’s inevitable challenges, try one of these:

Anticipation — Realistically anticipate future problems and plan on how you’re going to feel and respond. Vaillant said, “Anticipation permits the person to become aware of an event before it happens and thus attenuate associated anxiety and depression.” 

For example, before attending a meeting that you know will be challenging, anticipate what might happen and how you could respond.  

Suppression — Intentionally avoid thinking about specific problems, desires, feelings, or experiences until a later time when they can be more maturely processed. Don’t completely repress or deny the problem, just postpone dealing with it until a better time.

For example, suppose you just got some bad news at work—you’ve been demoted. But tonight is your child’s birthday party. Before the party begins, decide that for the next few hours you’re going to suppress your feelings about what happened at work and enjoy the party.  

Humor — Carefully and tactfully used, humor can help us cope, can add levity to situations, and even diffuse stressful situations.  

For instance, self-deprecating humor can bring relief to serious situations.

Sublimation — In sublimation, the energy created by a negative issue is transferred into an acceptable activity such as games, sports, hobbies, romance, and creative expression.

For instance, when you’re stressed out, go for a long run, or delve into an enjoyable hobby. 

Altruism — Altruism is getting pleasure from giving to others what you yourself would like to receive.  

When going through hard times, it’s helpful to focus on others and give to meet their needs. It distracts us from our short-sided perspective and we see a larger view. Generous and kind acts offer intrinsic benefits to the giver. The Bible reminds us that it is more rewarding to give than to receive (Acts 20:35). 

For instance, if you’re struggling with feelings of aloneness, take the initiative to reach out to someone who may be struggling with the same issue. 

Here’s an article that summarizes Valliant’s longitudinal study.

 

In a lawsuit the first to speak seems right, until someone comes forward and cross-examines.
(Proverbs 18:17)

We’ve often heard “there’s always two sides to every story.” Actually, there’s usually many sides to an issue. Though we know this is true, we often make premature judgments based on only one perspective. The challenge is to discipline ourselves to postpone judgment until we get all the facts and pursue other perspectives, not just the first one we hear.

• When someone complains about someone or something, don’t solidify your thoughts or make a judgment until you talk to others who are involved and gather more information. Seek opinions that are different from what you’ve first heard. 
• When you hear a pundit make his case about a particular issue (political, current events) don’t make up your mind until you’ve researched what the other side thinks. [See my post titled It’s hard to see all aspects of a complicated situation.]
• Always get multiple opinions about important issues. For example, my car was running rough so I took it to a repair shop that analyzed the problem and wanted to charge me $1,200 for repairs. I got another opinion and had the problem fixed for $150.
• Be suspicious of all marketing and advertising; you’re only hearing one side and it’s usually biased. [See my post titled Don’t fall for the celebrity effect.]

This lesson is particularly important for leaders because every decision you make (personnel, strategy, vision) is multifaceted and you must consider all variables. Continually search for alternative perspectives and pursue alternative narratives.

Action item — Analyze yourself: Do you ever make decisions based on limited information? Identify a time you did this.  

Discussion question — How can we be relatively sure that we’ve sought out all sides of an important issue?

Oh that the gods, the gift would give us, to see ourselves, as others see us. Robert Burns, Scottish poet 

I enjoy select Latin and Greek words and phrases because they say a lot in few syllables. They’re even more condensed and succinct than poetry. Here’s a term I recently learned that’s provided food for thought: ekstasis. 

From the Ancient Greek, έκ-στασις (ex-stasis), it means to be or stand outside (from ex-: out, and stasis: stand). In philosophy it means being outside of oneself—to see oneself from the outside. To be self-aware.

Self-awareness is an indispensable skill for developing emotional and social intelligence. Without it we are unaware of how our lives affect other people. 

One way to see ourselves as others see us is to have trusted friends who will honestly and candidly tell us what they observe about our behavior in social settings. 

But we should also develop the skill of self-observation. Let’s learn how to have an out-of-body experience in which we’re observing ourselves in particular situations with the same objectivity that an uninvolved bystander would have. We then “hear” what and how we’re speaking. We “see” ourselves in the context of time and space, observing ourselves from a factual, nonemotional perspective. When we get “outside of ourselves” we’re able to see ourselves more clearly.

• Recently, I was unkind to a Firestone service advisor because I thought he was being unreasonable. Later that day, I mentally went “ekstasis” and tried to visualize what that scene must have looked like to others who were present. I was embarrassed at what I “saw.” 
• Recently, I took the time to visit with a member of our custodial staff at the church. We had a good conversation in the hallway. I later heard that those few minutes meant a lot to him. I had been unaware of how my words encouraged him so much. Later, a moment of ekstasis helped me understand the positive impact of spending a few minutes with someone who is outside my normal sphere. 

Action item — Think of a time in the recent past when “going ekstasis” would have helped inform and temper your behavior. 

Discussion question — How could this skill be taught to other people? To children?

In religious art, saints are often portrayed with halos, and the devil and demons have horns. Through the years, these contrived images have worked: when we see a halo, bathed in heavenly light, we think that the figure is good and pious; horns suggest the opposite. 

Psychologists use these two symbols to illustrate an interesting phenomenon we often fall prey too. The halo and horn effects are cognitive biases that cause us to allow one trait, either good (halo) or bad (horn), to overshadow other traits, behaviors, actions, or beliefs.

We tend to create an overall impression of someone or something based on one, unrelated trait. This bias can cause us to think too highly of someone or something (halo effect) and cause us to think poorly of someone or something (horn effect) because of a single characteristic or trait.

The halo and horn effects bias our assessment of people.

• We may assume (wrongly) that physically attractive people are more informed, intelligent, or competent. 
• We may think someone who is disheveled and untidy is struggling in life and lacks acumen.
• We may think someone with a complicated-sounding name—Stephan Lewandowski—is more debonair than someone named John Smith. 
• Someone who is winsome and engaging may be thought to be insightful or competent. 
• One research study found that jurors were less likely to believe that attractive people were guilty of criminal behavior. 

The halo and horn effects will prejudice our thinking in other areas of life.

• A car dealer will place its fanciest car in the middle of the showroom (fully realizing that the average buyer cannot afford it) because it enhances what customers think of the other models.
• A restaurant will list a $900 bottle of 2014 Penfolds Grange wine on their menu, (knowing that no one will probably buy it) because having it on the list makes customers think more highly of the entire restaurant. (I often wonder, do they even have a bottle of that wine? Perhaps they did, and sold it, but continue to list it.) 
• A law firm will maintain high-dollar offices to perpetuate the appearance of success and expertise. (I wonder who is paying for those fancy offices. Hint: you, the client.) I thought we paid attorneys for their wisdom and experience, so why be swayed by mahogany desks on the 20th floor of a downtown office building? 
• When consumers have an unfavorable experience, they may allow that one negative experience to influence what they think of the entire brand. (When eating at a restaurant, if the bathroom needs servicing, I may unfairly dismiss the entire restaurant even though all other factors are good.)

How can we guard against these unproductive and misleading tendencies?

1. Think holistically. A comprehensive approach recognizes that there are many parts to a whole entity and that the whole should not be judged on one part. One characteristic cannot adequately or fairly define an entire entity. 
2. Be skeptical of advertising and marketing because they often intentionally use the halo effect to promote a product and the horn effect to demean the competition.  

Action item — Identify situations in which you have been tricked by the halo and horn effects.

Discussion question — How can we develop an immunity to these two biases?