Don McMinn

At work and at home, conflicts are inevitable. We are imperfect people living in an imperfect world. So don’t be surprised when relationships are strained, but do proactively try to resolve the conflicts.

Here are some things to consider.

Misunderstandings are a natural byproduct of progress.

An ancient proverb says, “Where there are no oxen, the manger is empty, but from the strength of an ox comes an abundant harvest.” There’s something implied but omitted in this phrase; do you see it? My paraphrase of this proverb is: “Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean; but where there are oxen working, there’s going to be a lot of excrement that needs to be cleaned up.”

Whenever a group of people (oxen) are engaged in activity (producing a harvest), mishaps will happen. Whenever people work together, things get messy. And the more people involved and the busier they are, the messier it gets.

Take the initiative to restore the peace.

In strained relationships, someone must take the first step toward restitution. You be that person. You may be reluctant to do so because “I didn’t start the conflict” or “I’m not the main offender.” Regardless, you can be the peacemaker.

Settle matters quickly.

Misunderstandings seldom resolve themselves and they usually get worse when ignored. Address difficult issues sooner than later.

Distinguish between issues that need to be dropped and those that should be addressed.

If taken to an extreme, obsessing about peace in relationships can have an unsettling effect. If I feel compelled to address every minor irritation that comes my way, I’ll unnecessarily stir up the relational waters. Some issues just need to be dropped.
Consider this suggestion when you’re upset, but if someone else is upset, don’t dismiss their feelings as unimportant or trivial: “Yeah, I know Bob’s upset about being surprised at the meeting, but it’s not a big deal; he just needs to drop it.”

You may need to help arbitrate other people’s quarrels and misunderstandings.

At times, you’ll need to intervene in relational tiffs in which you are not personally involved. If you’re a leader, you’ll do this often.
This might involve encouraging someone to take action: “John, I think that you and Bob need to get together and talk out your differences.” Or, you may need to get directly involved: “John, let me set up a meeting with you, Bob, and me so that this issue can be addressed.”

Sometimes our pursuit of peace will fail.

For relational conflicts to be resolved, everyone involved must do their part to establish peace. Sometimes our sincere effort to resolve an issue won’t work because the other party cannot or will not agree to a peaceful resolution.

Click here for suggestions on how to structure a peace-seeking conversation.

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Last summer, I boarded a flight from Dallas/Ft. Worth to Seattle. I had priority boarding so I was among the first passengers on the plane. Normally this is a good thing but not in this instance because the plane was stiflingly hot.

I asked a flight attendant, “It’s very hot inside the plane; has the air conditioning been turned on?” (I have been on flights where the answer to this question was “no”; so I thought I’d start with the obvious.) The attendant basically ignored me.

Five minutes later, I crawled upstream to the front of the airplane (passengers were still boarding), when another flight attendant stopped me. Our conversation went something like this:

• She said, “Sir, may I help you?”
• I said, “It’s very hot inside the plane; has the captain turned on the air conditioning?”
• She said, “The air conditioning is not working 100%.”
• I said, “Ma’m, the air conditioning is not working 20%.”
• She said, “Yes, it is warm.”
• I said, “Why is that?”
• She said, “The supplemental ground AC unit is not working. When possible, we’ll start the engines and start the AC.”
• I said, “Well, that explains that. Does the captain know all of this?”
• She said, “I’ll make sure he does.”

Five minutes later, the captain, in what sounded to me like a cheerful but rather flippant and patronizing tone of voice said over the intercom, “Well good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Thanks for joining us on this flight to Seattle. This is captain Snotnose (not his real name). Sorry about the temperature, yeah…we’re having some issues, should be okay once we’re in the air. Thanks for your patience.”

I understand that mechanical things break. I wasn’t upset at that. But it bothered me that no one took ownership of the problem, and only after someone (me) complained was an explanation given.

Here’s my advice:

1. When something goes wrong on your watch, don’t ignore it, hide it, or minimize it—own it. (The AC is not working 100%?)
2. Don’t blame someone else even though someone else may be complicit. (The ground crew may have forgotten to service the supplemental AC unit, but I’m on your plane.)
3. Don’t use the phrase, “Thank you for your patience.” (I was not patient about this issue. That comment is presumptuous and dismissive and it makes things worse.)
4. As soon as there’s a problem, acknowledge it to those affected. Don’t wait until they complain. (We were all perspiring; the problem was evident.)
5. Explain why the problem is happening; a good explanation won’t fix the problem but it will lessen frustration.
6. When possible, offer some type of compensation, even if it is token. (The stewardess did offer me a cup of ice but I declined; because everyone was suffering from the heat, everyone should be offered a reprieve.)
7. Be empathetic. During the plane incident, a simple, “Sir, I’m very sorry about the temperature issue; I know it’s very discomforting.” would have helped ameliorate the tension.
8. Don’t hesitate to apologize.

U.S. President Harry S. Truman had a sign on his desk that said, The buck stops here. He didn’t coin the phrase, but he did popularize it.

The saying is derived from the expression passing the buck, common in poker gameplay. It came to mean “passing blame” or absolving oneself of responsibility or concern by denying authority or jurisdiction over a given matter.

The phrase means that no excuses will be made. The speaker is taking full responsibility for what is happening rather than passing on the responsibility.

In life and leadership, we must own our problems. The buck stops with us.

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I recently led a leadership training session for 35 people who work together in a large organization. The topic: crafting vision.

I divided the group into teams of five and gave them this assignment:

1. Take five minutes to create a prediction about the future that is both bold (a daring and audacious statement) and credible (the likelihood of the statement happening).
2. Your prediction will be rated on a scale from 1-10 on boldness (1 means “not bold”, 10 means “very bold”) and 1-10 on credibility (1 means “not credible”, 10 means “very credible”).
3. An unbiased judge (someone I brought in with me to serve this role) will evaluate each prediction based on the two criteria (boldness and credibility), and the two numbers will be combined for a total score. The highest possible score is 20, the lowest is 2.

Here are two examples that demonstrate the extremes.

• The prediction “The sun will rise tomorrow” would be scored 11 because it’s not very bold (1) but it is very credible (10).
• The prediction “Ten years from now there will be no cars, just private planes” would also be scored 11 because while it is bold (10) it’s not credible (1).

We had fun discussing each prediction. Then I switched applications and made the exercise relevant to their workplace. I instructed them, “Using the same parameters (boldness and credibility), create a prediction about the future of your organization.”

This simple exercise led to a very profitable discussion and vision-crafting session.

What is vision?

Vision is a picture of the future that is better than the present, and it produces passion in those who receive it. Stephen Covey says, “All things are created twice: first in someone’s mind and then in the physical world.” The first creation he refers to is vision—seeing something in your mind that currently does not exist.

Craft vision that is both challenging and realistic.

When crafting vision, avoid two extremes: being too safe and being unrealistic. You may visualize something that is too safe and meager, perhaps just a small extension of the present (“We’re going to increase sales 2% next year.”), or your thinking may lapse into wishful thinking (“We’re going to produce three major projects next year that will triple our sales.”)

An emphasis on developing vision that is both bold and credible will help avoid out-of-balance aspirations. Imagine the power of a vision statement that scores an 8 on each variable for a total score of 16.

Leaders, use this exercise with your team to explore future opportunities for your organization. Also use this exercise to craft vision for your personal life.

Visualizing a better tomorrow is the first step toward accomplishing it.

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Michelangelo sculpted four intentionally unfinished works: The Bearded Slave (shown here), The Atlas Slave, The Awakening Slave and The Young Slave. Though they appear unfinished, they are just as he intended them to be. He wanted to show what it might feel like to be forever enslaved.

Sadly, some people choose to be enslaved by their past.

Years ago, a man came to me for counseling. When I asked him why he had come, he spoke about how his employer had taken advantage of him and then fired him. As he told the details, he became visibly emotional—flushed face, moist eyes, quivering lips…

About ten minutes into the session I asked, “When did this happen?” (Recently, I assumed.) He answered, “Seventeen years ago.”

Oh my…

While I wanted to empathize with him regarding the alleged employer abuse, I was shocked that he had allowed this one incident to negatively influence his life for so long.

Now to the other extreme, I have a friend who continually (and almost exclusively) talks about the “good old days.” Doing so seems to make him a positive, joyful person (though at times I think he’s hiding something; surely something in his past was unsettling) but he’s also stuck in time. He has no vision for the future because he constantly lives in the past.

Let me suggest that there’s a difference between reflecting on your past and dwelling on it.

Reflect on your past so you can be grateful for the positive experiences and learn from the painful ones. But, don’t dwell on your past, or the positive experiences may cause you to be smug, complacent, and apathetic about future possibilities and the painful experiences may eventually pollute your soul. Just as there are two ways to fall off a horse, there are two ways an obsession with the past can unbalance us.

Think more about the present and future than you do the past. Enjoy the wonder of each hour and dream about a better tomorrow. View the past as a prelude to the future. Always have something to look forward to.

Free yourself from unhelpful introspection.

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Here’s a video about Michelangelo’s unfinished sculptures.

[youtube id=”a4oe_krw_Y8″]