Don McMinn

Let’s start with an object lesson.

Hold an object in your hand—like a pencil, book, or napkin—extend your arm full-length, and drop the object on the floor. It’s a very visceral experience. 

Now metaphorically place in your hand something that you’re frustrated about but don’t have any control over, or something you’re needlessly upset about. Extend your arm full-length. Before you move a muscle, make a decision that when you release your grip – when you drop – you’ll also release the troubling issue from your mind. You’ll no longer talk about it, worry about it, or replay the mental tapes associated with it. 

Now uncurl your fingers and drop it.

I know this may sound like new-age, self-help, nonsense. But I have found it to be a helpful exercise to mentally and emotionally release something that has an inordinate and unhealthy hold on my mind.

Sometimes Mary and I use this exercise during a conversation to help each other deal with an issue one of us is stuck on. When she senses that I’m getting worked up over something that’s either unimportant or an issue that I have no control over, she’ll close her fist, extend her arm, and drop it. I immediately know what’s she’s suggesting.  

Sometimes I get unnecessarily torqued over insignificant issues.

Recently, I was bothered when my physician prescribed an antibiotic that no pharmacy in town had in stock. When I called his office he changed the prescription to a common, readily available medicine. But why didn’t he do that the first time? 

I lingered over that incident longer than necessary. When I told Mary what had happened, she gave me the sign, and I dropped it. 

Sometimes I get worked up about something that is out of my control or my ability to influence.

Political shenanigans come to mind. Most of us bemoan the state of affairs in our country (regardless of which side of the aisle you support) and while we do have the right to vote, much of what goes on in the short term is beyond our control. I often remind myself to drop the frustration I have relative to our politicians.

The beginning of Reinhold Niebuhr’s Serenity Prayer is good advice:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

This advice can bring relief to minor, daily distractions. Yesterday someone cut me off in traffic. At first I was upset, but then I dropped it. There was an issue at work that bothered me more than it should have. But then I dropped it.

This advice can bring relief to major issues that happened long ago. Years ago I was fired from my job. I harbored hard feelings about the incident for a long time, but one day I “dropped it”, and it’s not bothered me since.

Learn the skill of “dropping it” and use it on a regular basis.

The Pomodoro Technique is a time management technique made popular by Francesco Cirillo. When he was a student at Rome’s Luiss Business School he used a tomato-shaped kitchen timer to regulate his schedule (pomodoro is an Italian word for tomato). He would study for 25 minutes, take a five-minute break, then repeat.

By toggling back and forth between focused work and times of repose, we can extend how long we can work because the break-time (a planned distraction) helps reset our focus and energy. It’s even more effective if the breaks are seen as rewards, not just a change of pace. (Allowing myself a bowl of Blue Bell ice cream is an utterly righteous incentive.) After four “pomodori” are done, take a long break (typically 20 to 30 minutes) instead of a short break. An added benefit of the Pomodoro Technique is that it presupposes that you’ve made a list of important things to focus on.

There’s nothing magical about Cirillo’s 25-5-minute ratio. Customize the principle based on what works best for you. 

First, experiment with your concentration level. How long can you read before losing focus? For how long can you respond to emails until your mind grows numb or begins to wander? Listen to a podcast? Work in the yard? Carry on a conversation? Your ability to concentrate will vary in different settings. 

For instance, years ago I experimented with increasing how long I could read in one sitting. I’ve settled on this routine: I always read three or four books at a time, written on different topics by different authors. I read one for 20 minutes, then switch to another for 20 minutes, and so on. I take a break every 45 minutes and then resume. It helps to have multiple and diverse books to read because I can’t sustain reading one author on one subject for an extended period of time. Using this system, I can read for hours. 

Your level of concentration can be increased. Incrementally increase your focus-time but keep your break-time the same.   

Here are some practical steps:

1. 1. Embrace the importance of being able to concentrate and focus. It can greatly enhance your productivity.
   2. Assess your current capacity to focus in various settings.
   3. Work on increasing your capacity to focus. 
   4. Use the Pomodoro Technique to be more productive.

Having finished writing this post (30 minutes), I’m heading to the backyard to pick some figs.

When  left undirected, many conversations among groups of people are trivial, undirected, and unbalanced. This first became clear to me when I met with a group of older men who had been meeting together once a week for years. I assumed that because they had met so often, they knew each other well. But I soon realized that they had never talked about serious issues of life; they just repeated the same conversations about the weather, sports, and news. Two of the men were unaware they were both veterans of WW2.

I continued to meet with this group each week for several months. Once I became a trusted member, I started “orchestrating” the conversations by asking questions and encouraging everyone to respond. I started with simple, non-invasive questions like, “Where were you born and what was the first ten years of your life like?” Eventually we shared on a deeper level, “What’s been the biggest challenge of your life? What are your dreams for the next 10 years?” As the conversations deepened, so did the relationships. 

Currently, when I’m with a group of people (family, friends, colleagues), I often initiate topics to discuss, and ask everyone to share their thoughts. Once you create a safe environment where people are free to share their thoughts, and suggest a meaningful topic, good conversation ensues. 

Where do the questions come from? I make most of them up on the spot, based on the group. But there are hundreds of good ice-breaker questions. I recently Googled conversation starters and found these.

1. 1. If you could dedicate your life to solving one problem, what would it be?
   2. What is the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?
   3. How many uses are there for a brick?
   4. Who is the most famous person you have met?

Mary reminds me to not dominate conversations with my questions; sometimes people just want to chit-chat. But adding some direction and purpose to conversations helps deepen relationships  and leads to interesting conversations. 

The next time you’re with a group of people, try it.

Psychologist Arthur Aron has written 36 questions arranged in three sets. The questions become progressively more engaging and require a deeper level of sharing.

SET I

1. • Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
   • Would you like to be famous? In what way?
   • Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
   • What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
   • When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
   • If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
   • Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
   • Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
   • For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
   • If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
   • Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
   • If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

SET II

1. • If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
   • Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
   • What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
   • What do you value most in a friendship?
   • What is your most treasured memory?
   • What is your most terrible memory?
   • If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
   • What does friendship mean to you?
   • What roles do love and affection play in your life?
   • Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
   • How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
   • How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

SET III

1. • Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “
   • Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “
   • If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
   • Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
   • Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
   • When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
   • Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
   • What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
   • If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
   • Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
   • Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
   • Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Emotional contagion is a term coined by behavioral scientists for a fairly universal aspect of human nature—that we tend to mirror the mood signals of others. We tend to mimic verbal, physiological and behavioral aspects of another person’s emotional experience and thus experience the same emotion. When someone smiles at us, we are likely to smile in response, which in turn makes us feel more positively about them and our circumstances in general. Laughter will tend to prompt laughter, anger will prompt anger, and tears will prompt tears. Emotions can be “caught” – transmitted from one person to many.  

Emotional contagion is an important trait. It’s what allows a parent to comfort a child so effectively. It allows us to immediately adjust our demeanor when we come into contact with others.

Marketing and PR companies have long utilized emotional contagion by associating positive images dan feelings with certain brands. Commercials are filled with smiling actors doing fun things even though what they’re doing has little relationship to the product being promoted. Some critics deride this as “emotional engineering or emotional manipulation” but it obviously works to sell products.

Use emotional contagion to positively empathize with and affect others. Also, be aware of how you may be manipulated by it— buying that new car may not bring the happiness, prestige, or contentment suggested by the advertisements promoting the car.

Here’s a video of my family riding in a van from London to Southampton. Everyone was in a somber mood because of the rainy weather. I decided to brighten up the ambience using emotional contagion. We laughed till our sides ached.

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