Most of us are overly concerned about what people notice about us and what they think of us. For instance, we may spend an inordinate amount of time choosing what we wear, convinced that most people will notice. We’re worried that we didn’t talk enough or talked too much at a business luncheon.
To some degree, this is to be expected. Because each of us is the center of our own universe, we focus on ourselves and think other people do too. Because we are so focused on our own behavior, it’s hard for us to assess how much or how little our behavior is noticed by others. Tom Gilovich, a psychologist at Cornell University, has studied this issue for years, and his research helps us think clearly about this.
In a 2000 study, Gilovich conducted an experiment in which he asked students to enter a classroom, filled with their peers, while wearing a Barry Manilow T-shirt. At the time, this was not a cool thing to do; the students were embarrassed to be seen wearing that T-shirt. After the encounter, the students participating in the experiment estimated that 50% of their peers noticed the Manilow shirt and probably talked about it to others. But when questioned, less than 20% of their peers had noticed.
Gilovich demonstrated the same exaggerated misperceptions in other studies, such as group discussions about social issues. In one study, Gilovich reported that students also overestimated how well their own gaffes and clever arguments were noticed by others in discussion groups.
The bottom line is: We’re not as interesting as we think and other people don’t notice us nearly as much as we think they do.
This fact will either disappoint you or give you peace.
If you delight in being the center of attention, if you have narcissistic tendencies, if your sense of value and self-worth come from the attention and admiration of others…you’ll be disappointed to learn that most people don’t even notice you or care what you are doing.
But this insight should actually give us peace. We don’t need to live our lives feeling like we’re constantly walking down a model’s catwalk. We can cease worrying about what people think of us because they seldom do.
Years ago I had a mustache for about 10 years. The day I shaved it off I anticipated a lot of comments. My wife and children didn’t even notice. I should have learned this lesson that day.
How true!
Don, I took zeros for oral reporting of books I read in high school English class. The teacher I had for 2 years required each of us standing in front of the class and doing so. I refused to do that as I didn’t want any of my fellow students “looking” at me! Really?
They saw me every day anyway, either in other classes or the hallways. Needless !
Gail, I’m sorry for the painful moments you had in school. I think it was unreasonable to demand that all students be in front of the class. Take care, and thanks for sharing. Don
This is only true to a certain extent. When people have to work together or have very regular interactions, frustrations will build up with particular behaviours.
The bigger the group, the less you may need to interact and therefore you may not notice the flaws or gifts of others.
On the other hand, there will always be natural attraction and the admirer may only see the good side of the person to whom they are attracted.
Thanks, Angela, for sharing your thoughts. Social intelligence is an important skill to have for self-awareness and interfacing with others.
How is your retirement going?
Don
Thanks for asking about my retirement. I have been facing a few health challenges but receiving outstanding medical care. The NHS is a bit like the little girl with the curl in the middle of her forehead, “when it’s good it’s very very good and when it’s bad it’s horrid”. Don’t believe some of the lies about the UK health system.
Have had some great opportunities to use my gifts and skills in the voluntary and church world and have enjoyed working with some new people. God still uses those who are willing and open to his calling even if they are past working age. Perhaps we need to make sure our spiritual ears are not on voicemail but are ready to respond immediately.
Angela, I think you were born with a good attitude because you always have one. I hope your retirement years are fruitful and enjoyable. Don