There are times when I am so unlike myself that I might be taken for someone else of an entirely opposite character. Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Confessions, 1782
Recently, Mary and I hosted our neighborhood’s monthly dinner party. From 7:00 to 11:00 p.m. our home was filled to capacity with people.
I struggle at these events because I am the archetypal introvert. My idea of a good evening is to sequester myself in my study and read a book. I would rather chew on cut glass than have to be “on” for four hours at a social event.
But last night I played the part. I was a gregarious, talkative, engaging host.
Was I being disingenuous and hypocritical? I don’t think so, because sometimes we need to act like someone we’re not. Psychologists have a term for this: counter-dispositional behavior.
I learned this lesson from psychology professor Brian Little’s book titled Me, Myself, and Us: The Personality and the Art of Well-Being. Little teaches a large, popular psychology course at Harvard. Though he is an introvert, his teaching style is very animated and energetic, so much so that his students are always surprised to hear him admit that when he’s teaching, he’s also acting. Little explains and defends his behavior in chapter three of his book: Free Traits: On Acting Out of Character.
I’m a big proponent of authenticity; we all need to discover how we are unique, accept the distinctions, and live authentically. Be your true self because therein lies deep satisfaction. Long term, you cannot sustain inauthentic behavior. But in the short term you can, and sometimes should, fake it.
Dr. Little says there are two main reasons why counter-dispositional behavior is often necessary — for professional reasons and for love.
If certain aspects of your work require you to be someone you’re not, have the emotional fortitude to play the part. For instance, if you’re a salesperson you may need to be more animated than your real self would normally be. Likewise, if for the love of family and friends you need to put aside your true self and temporarily assume a new persona, do so.
Last night I was an extroverted host. I did it because I love my neighbors and wanted them to feel welcomed and affirmed during their brief stay in our home. I couldn’t maintain that image 24/7, but I did for 247 minutes. Granted, it was exhausting, and when the last guest left, I went to my study, pulled out a book, and resumed my normal identity.
Love this one, Don. My personality type, too. I can be extroverted when I need to be. But it makes me very tired, and I enjoy taking time for my introverted self to recover afterwards.
I am recovering now from major lumbar fusion. Will be a little while before I’m up and about again.
Love the music you provide at church. Love our pastor and the way he is leading us as a family.
Bobbye
Bobbye, it’s so good to hear from you. I have fond memories of our trip together. I’m sorry to hear of your surgery. Take time to heal. Don
I believe that the truest authenticity of mature believers know how to do this precisely because we are called in love to do so. It is not inauthentic, but authentic in Christ to die to self to be something we could never be if left to just be who we are at the base level. We must be more, and we do it out of love and in His strength!
Maggie, well said and worth saying. It is an act of unselfishness to make others feel at home in your space. Thanks for responding.
You mean you began to read a book?
I often read before I go to bed. It’s a great way to settle down.
I am an introvert too and a worship leader. I know that describes you as well. I do struggle sometimes with the question am I fake? I even had a parishioner one time make the comment that I am not the same person on the platform as I am off. I just accepted the fact that on the platform I am in my zone sort of speak, the area I’m called by God to serve in. I would be interested in your thoughts. How do you reconcile things?
Steve, thanks for responding to my post. Learning who I really am and feeling “comfortable in my own skin” has actually given me more confidence to “be who I’m not.” I don’t feel disingenuous, just adaptive. Take care. Don
In a way, that’s hilarious, but a sincere look into YOU.
I’ve always thought of you as a well reserved man, well groomed, very distinct in your communications, polished, but at the same time, an introvert. When someone (like me) would greet you, ask you a question, you did a great job of acting!! You never let on that you were an introvert, so you’re a great actor, as you described your recent behavior.
Never doubt, that your position in that church, in your neighborhood, around your circle, that you are respected, and loved, for being YOU. God made you the way He wanted you to be.
Gail, you are so kind. Thanks for encouraging and affirming words. Take care. Don
Hi Don,
Just a couple of comments for you:
1. I hear you saying its Okay to play the part when necessary. To assume a new persona, to achieve what it necessary for you to do to get the job done as in the ‘more animated salesperson’. Also to be an extroverted host when necessary – to be a charming and loving neighbor/host for the greater good of friends and neighbors
I believe that these little escapades you reference ARE actually part of your, mine or someone else’s personality. They’re part of, but not the larger part or primary personality of a person. That person would actually be a personality that is diverse, adjusting and creative to the degree that he or she does what is necessary to be of value to friends, relatives and the community.
Gaylon, I like your thought; that we all have these different subtleties within us, in differing amounts, and we can prioritize or display them at different times. Thanks for taking the time to write. Don