In his must-read book, How to Know a Person, New York Times journalist David Brooks warns about having a static mindset toward people. He writes, “Some people formed a certain conception of you, one that may even have been largely accurate at some point in time. But then you grew up. You changed profoundly. And those people never updated their models to see you now for who you really are.”
I recently conversed with a colleague I had not talked to in 30 years. Years ago, because of my own insecurities and professional competitiveness, I had pre-judged him—thinking him to be aloof and condescending—and that initial impression had endured through the decades. In our recent conversation, I found him to be approachable, generous, and engaging. I misjudged him in those early years but I also sensed that time has mellowed both of us. I look forward to pursuing our friendship.
I wonder what he has thought of me through the years.
People change, so we should adopt a flexible mindset that allows us to recalibrate our opinions about them. I am not the same person I was several years ago and neither are you. Hopefully we have all changed for the better.
Updating our perceptions is a grace we extend to other people, and we hope they do the same for us.
So when you reengage with someone from the past, assume that time and life has worn down the rough edges of their persona and they have grown and matured.