Author: Don McMinn

Several weeks ago we hosted my grandson’s eighth birthday part at the Lakehouse. Ben and four of his friends were in boy-Nirvana: treehouse, fishing, dogs, soccer, pizza, sleeping bags, looking at Venus and Jupiter through a telescope, etc.

The first evening I put a large blanket in the field, invited the boys and my son-in-law to lay on their backs and gaze at the stars. I asked, “There may be boys on another planet that are looking at our star right now. If they asked you ‘what is it like to live on Earth, what would be your answer?’ Invigorating conversation ensued. 

Then I announced that I had a scary story to tell. Excitement peaked. I made up a story about a two-headed coyote that had lived in the area for over 200 years. It had recently been sighted. As I told the story my voice became progressively quieter, and then I screamed. Everyone came off the blanket a few inches. Two of the boys said, “That’s not scary; tell us a really scary story.” Everyone was laughing, except for one boy, who started crying. Touchingly, the other boys offered him succor – “It’s just make believe…it’s ok, we’re all together…” His response was (through sobs), “That story will be stuck inside my head for the rest of my life.”

It took a maternal touch to defuse the moment (thanks, Lauren), and all was well by the time we went to bed (me in the doghouse).

Here’s what I learned.

Isn’t it interesting how individuals react differently to the same stimulus. Five boys heard the story; four loved it and wanted more and one was shaken. So before I speak, I need to evaluate what I’m about to say and consider how it will impact all those who hear. This is an aspect of emotional intelligence—sensing how my words and actions will affect the lives of others. For instance, humor is a tricky thing to negotiate: tell a joke to 100 people and 98 will think it’s clever and uplifting but two may be offended.

But our carefulness can be taken to an unnecessary extreme: if we’re overly cautious and too sensitive, our speech may become bland and boring and/or we just won’t say much. No matter what you say or do, someone will be bothered by it. There is a balance to achieve.

So, I ask you my readers, “Was it okay for me to tell a scary story at my grandson’s birthday party?”

Sometimes, I trip over inconsequential issues. I obsess about issues that won’t matter six months from now, or even six hours from now. When this happens, I need to take a “chill-pill” and drop it.

Figuratively or literally, carry some “chill pills” with you. Figuratively, when you need to settle down, just imagine putting a pill in your mouth. Literally, keep a small packet of breath mints in your pocket and use them when needed for halitosis, but also pop one in your mouth when you need to relax and ease up on an issue (the placebo effect may genuinely help).

We also need to learn the indispensable coping skill called “drop it.” Imagine holding something in your hand, perhaps a pencil. Now uncurl your fingers and drop it on the floor; as an act of your will, let it go. Sometimes,  when I catch myself  needlesly obsessed about something I’ll  “drop it” metaphorically—in my mind I’ll imagine my hand releasing the pencil. If an issue is harder to dislodge I’ll hold up a clenched fist and physically release the grip. If I’m deeply entrenched in an issue, I may literally hold an object in my hand and drop it on the floor.      

Here are some situations when we ought to swallow a chill-pill.

• • • When the issue is settled; it’s not going to change. When the pilot says, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re having mechanical problems so we’ll have to switch to another plane,” relax, take a deep breath, and let go of your frustration. You can’t change the situation.
    • When I have little or no control over a situation. When my young grandson has a meltdown, all I can do is try to minimize the damage. There’s no sense in getting upset and impatient—he’s a child.
    • When I’m inordinately emotionally peaked. Perhaps I can influence a situation but in order to do so productively, I need to decrease my emotional fervor and become more rational. 
    • When contemplating an issue over time will give me greater clarity. Often, my first reaction to a situation is not my best, but when I allow myself to think through a situation, I arrive at a better conclusion. Instead of reacting immediately, I need to take a chill-pill and delay my reaction until a later time.    

When was the last time you needed to drop something, but didn’t?

Study the above graph and consider the three concentric circles.

The small circle represents things we can control, the large circle represents things that we cannot control, and inside the dotted circle are things we cannot control but are concerned about and desire to influence.

We often spend too much time and energy thinking about and trying to manipulate things that we cannot control. Doing so is ineffective, frustrating, and potentially damaging. Instead we need to focus on things we can control. 

Identify things you can control, take responsibility for them, and be proactive in controlling them. 

You may be surprised to discover how many things you can control. You can control your:

• • • attitude (are you a pessimist or an optimist?)
    • character (do you have a good work ethic; are you honest, punctual, flexible?) 
    • career (are you satisfied with your choice of career and are you aggressively pursuing it?) 
    • friends (are you a good friend to others and have you chosen friends that positively influence your life?) 
    • finances (are your finances under control; do you have a financial plan?) 
    • thoughts (are your thoughts constructive and beneficial?) 
    • speech (have you learned to filter your words before you speak?) 
    • discretionary time (do you waste or wisely spend your unrestrictive time?) 
    • hobbies (do you have hobbies that bring you joy and help you be a better person?) 
    • exercise and diet (are you overweight; do you have a healthy diet?)
    • time (do you waste time or properly manage it?)

Identify things you cannot control but you often try to, and stop trying.

• • • If you’re married, you can’t control your spouse.
    • If you have children don’t try to control them. You may have some measure of control over your children when they are infants, but as they get older your control is minimal.
    • You can’t control the weather, global events, or the economy.

[Basically, after you’ve identified things you can control, everything else goes in the “I can’t control” category.]

Identify things you cannot control but are concerned about and want to influence.

There’s an infinite number of things I cannot control but I’m not concerned about most of them. I can’t control the GDP of Iceland, the weather, the stock market, or the rings around Saturn. But there are some things that, though I cannot control them, I am concerned about them. I am concerned for my spouse, children, friends, global warming, democracy in the United States. The only tool available to impact these areas is to attempt to influence them. There are some concerns I can directly and strongly influence (spouse, children) but many that I can only minimally impact but I should do what I can (I can help minimize global warming by recycling my waste; I can vote to elect good governmental leaders). 

Learn how to influence things you cannot control.

Learn the fine art of how to influence. It’s difficult to do, but effective. 

Control and influence are vastly different. 

• • • Control is direct; influence is subtle and nuanced. 
    • Control can be quick; influence is slow and ongoing. 
    • Control is decisive; influence is suggestive.

We can influence through example, mentoring, coaching, and love.

Be proactive towards things you can control and areas you want to influence.

I enjoy the concept of being proactive. It is a gift. It implies that I can create or influence  a situation by causing something to happen rather than responding to it after it has happened. I admire people who are proactive and take initiative. Focus on things you can actually do something about, make plans to do so, and work your plan. Don’t worry about and waste time on things you have no control over.

 

Years ago I was in the market to buy a new car. After researching different makes and models I narrowed my choice to a Subaru, a car I had previously never considered. Suddenly, I noticed Subarus everywhere.

For the first 69 years of my life, I never ate at Whataburger. But one day I overheard someone say that it was their favorite hamburger so I tried it out. It is a great meal. I’m sold. Suddenly, I saw Whataburger restaurants everywhere. I’ve been driving down to the family Lakehouse for the last five years and never noticed that there are four Whataburgers along the way. Of course, they were there all along; I’m just now seeing them. 

There are several terms that describe this phenomenon; one is colloquial, coined by a journalist, and the other is a more academic phrase coined by a psychology professor.

The term Baader-Meinhof phenomenon was first used in 1994 by a commenter on the St. Paul Pioneer Press’ online discussion board, who came up with it after hearing, for the first time, the name of the ultra-left-wing German terrorist group twice in 24 hours. Once he was exposed to the name, he saw it often in various venues. 

In 2006 Stanford professor Arnold Zwicky coined the phrase “frequency illusion” to describe this phenomenon. It’s caused, he wrote, by two psychological processes. The first, selective attention, kicks in when you’re struck by a new word, thing, or idea; after that, you subconsciously keep an eye out for it, and as a result find it surprisingly often. The second process, confirmation bias, reassures you that each sighting is further proof of your impression that the thing has gained sudden omnipresence.

We can use this phenomenon to our advantage. Since we tend to notice those things that are “top of mind” and overlook those that are not, let’s choose what we want to notice and pay attention to. For instance:

• • • We are surrounded by innumerable reasons to be grateful—life, freedom, friends—but we’ll remain unaware, and perhaps ungrateful, unless we look for them.
    • We are encompassed by beauty—nature, children, music, books—but often don’t recognize it.
    • God is at work in our lives but we may not recognize His activity because we’re looking elsewhere.

This concept has huge implications for goal setting. I’ve often wondered why, when we set a goal and go public with it, our chances of accomplishing the goal dramatically increase. The Baader-Meinhof phenomenon would suggest that once goals are placed in the forefront of our minds we’re more aware of them and we’ll devote more time and effort to achieving them.

For instance, several years ago I set a goal of making 50 new friends in a year. Having set and announced the goal, making friends become an important part of my conscious thinking. I constantly looked for potential friends and found them everywhere.

We can train our minds using this principle and prosper from it.

Plus – an article worth reading

If you have children or grandchildren, you need to read this article titled The No. 1 soft skill that predicts kids’ success more than IQ—and how to teach it .