Don McMinn

A major part of the human experience is the search for both individuality and community.

These two aspirations may seem to be polar opposites, but they are complementary, even interdependent. Until I know who I am and accept myself for who I am, I will have difficulty knowing how I fit into community.

Pursue individuality

You are unique. Nuanced. There is no one on earth like you.

I’ve coined a term to describe this distinction—your Signature Soulprint.

The term is a slight variation of a familiar word—fingerprint. Our fingerprints are used to determine and affirm our unique identity. There are 14 billion+ index fingers in the world, but yours is distinct; one square inch of flesh distinguishes you from all other humans.

If you are that unique physically, imagine the complexity of your soul. Hence the term Signature Soulprint.

It’s difficult to live authentically if you don’t know who you are. That sounds almost too obvious but, sadly, many people never develop a clear, accurate understanding of themselves, so authenticity eludes them. Knowing who you are and accepting who you are brings peace and contentment and will help you live a fulfilling and effective life.

“Know thyself” was the inscription over the Oracle at Delphi. It was, and is, good advice.

I’ve just published a book that will help you discover who you are and the unique way that you have been created. Click here for information about the book, Signature Soulprint.

Pursue community

We were created to relate intimately with other people. A “Lone Ranger” mentality might have worked for the masked man but it doesn’t work in real life. Simon and Garfunkel had it all wrong when they sang: “I am a rock. I am an island. And a rock feels no pain and an island never cries.”

Take the initiative to develop a social environment in which you are relating intimately to others. Develop a group of friends who care for one another and meet each other’s needs. Establish relationships that are mutually beneficial.

The nuclear family is our first experience of community in life: our mother, father, siblings, and extended family should create a safe and fulfilling social environment. But sometimes families are dysfunctional and cause more pain than comfort. So develop friendships that meet your need for intimacy. You had no choice as to who your family members are, but you can choose your friends.

Becoming aware of self

When a word begins with the prefix “self”, you usually want to avoid exhibiting the behavior it describes. Don’t be self-fish, self-centered, self-reverential, self-absorbed, or self-serving. But there is one “self-word” that you must vigorously and continually pursue—be self-aware.

First, you need to discover who you are and how you are unique among all the humans who have ever lived. Then you need to be mindful of how your self relates to other people. How should you act in any given context? How should the real you interact with others?

Discovering your Signature Soulprint will be a continuous, lifelong process. You are so complex and there are so many subtle nuances to consider, it will take the rest of your life for you to gain clarity.

Establish your individuality and live in community with others. Sadly, many people never achieve either of these aspirations and fewer still master both.

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In his must-read book, What Intelligence Tests Miss, Keith Stanovich shares this insightful information.

“Researchers Johnson and Goldstein found that 85.9 percent of individuals in Sweden had agreed to be organ donors. However, the rate in the United Kingdom was only 17.2 percent. What is the difference between the Swedes and the British that accounts for such a large gap in their attitudes about organ donation?

“The difference had nothing to do with internal psychological opinions. The difference is in the form of a particular public policy. In Sweden (and others countries like Belgium, France, and Poland) the default policy is that everyone will be an organ donor – one must take action to opt out. In the United Kingdom (and other countries like the United States, German, and Denmark) the default policy is that no one will be a donor – one must take action to opt in.

“In both scenarios, people have a choice as to whether or not they will donate; free will is not being denied. The difference is simply in how the original proposition is structured.

“Interestingly, Johnson and Goldstein discovered that roughly 80 percent of all people prefer to be organ donors. The actual number of donors is determined simply by how they are approached.” (page 203)

Here are some examples of how carefully framed options could benefit individuals and society.

• Believe it or not, some people turn down their employer’s offer to match contributions to their 401k retirement account. Organizations could make employee contributions the default setting, requiring individuals to opt out if they don’t want to participate. (Social Security is a similar plan, except for the fact that individuals cannot opt out.)
• Some states have a vaccine immunization requirement for children. Parents must opt out if they do not want their children to be vaccinated. (Why would any parent resist medical care for their children?)
• Most software updates are automatically sent to users, who then have the choice to download or not download.
• Some makeup companies are adding sunblock to their products. If consumers don’t want that added benefit, they can choose not to buy the product.

Use this powerful tool: frame carefully and take advantage of default settings.

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Friends and good manners will carry you where money won’t go. Margaret Walker

“Manners are the lubricating oil of an organization. It is a law of nature that two moving bodies in contact with each other create friction. This is as true for human beings as it is for inanimate objects. Manners—simple things like saying “please” and “thank you” and knowing a person’s name or asking after her family—enable two people to work together whether they like each other or not. Bright people, especially bright young people, often do not understand this.” Peter Drucker

You don’t need a certificate from the Emily Post Institute to know what good manners look like.

• Say “please” and “thank you.”
• Don’t talk with food in your mouth.
• Open the door for other people.
• Don’t interrupt people when they are speaking.
• Don’t text at the dinner table.
• Write thank-you notes.
• Don’t eat before everyone is served.
• Only use your phone in appropriate settings.
• Be gracious in entering and exiting a conversation.

Mannerly conduct can preserve the integrity of relationships at home and at work. Good manners make people feel appreciated and respected and show others that you care about them. Manners take the rough edges off social interactions and make it easier for everyone to feel comfortable.

Pier Forni, a professor at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, says that manners are like traffic lights for life. “The rules of good manners are the traffic lights of human interaction. They make it so that we don’t crash into one another in everyday behavior.”

When we are unmannerly we appear crude, awkward, self-centered, and entitled.

Your mood should not dictate your manners. Be mannerly regardless of how you feel emotionally. J.D. Salinger wrote, “I am always saying ‘Glad to’ve met you’ to somebody I’m not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.”

Demonstrate manners; it’s the right thing to do, and you’ll be more successful in life.

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Sobremesa – (n) the time spent around the table after lunch or dinner, talking to the people you shared the meal with; time to digest and savor both food and friendship.

There is something profoundly satisfying about sharing a meal with other people. Eating together is one of the oldest and most fundamental unifying human experiences. It can simultaneously fulfill physical, emotional, and relational needs.

It will help establish and deepen friendships

If I share my food with you it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it. (That’s a joke.) Truly, I can’t think of another setting that’s better for solidifying friendships than gathering to eat. It slows down our pace, narrows our space, focuses our attention, and creates a relaxing ambience—all of which are beneficial for deepening friendships.

It’s good for business

Since humans first walked the earth, we’ve known that sharing a meal can be good for business. For instance, a recent study revealed that it doesn’t take much to get a doctor to prescribe a brandname medication—just a free meal. The study found that U.S. doctors who received a single free meal from a drug company were more likely to prescribe the drug than doctors who received no such meals. Meals paid for by drug companies cost less than $20 on average [Even Cheap Meals Influence Doctors’ Drug Prescriptions, Study Suggests, Peter Loftus, WSJ, June 20, 2016].

I’ve never understood why some organizations are so stingy with the amount of funds allocated for business meals. I once worked with a group of six senior executives at a $75 million dollar a year business. They were frustrated that the CEO, in order to save money, eliminated their budget for business meals, which saved the company a whopping $24k a year. I suspect that poor decision cost the company ten times that much in lost revenue.

It engenders good will

Treat someone to a $15 lunch and they’ll be your friend forever. Well, that’s an exaggeration; but it is true that even a small amount of money and time will generate a lot of relational capital.

A weekly family meal can become a wonderful family tradition

I enjoy watching the sitcom, Bluebloods (on CBS). It follows the lives of three generations of New York City police officers. In every episode, there’s a scene showing their weekly, Sunday afternoon family meal in which they gather around the dinner table to talk, argue, laugh, and pass the potatoes. Every family would benefit from this tradition. [Note to my family: Are you reading this post?]

I double-dog-dare you: initiate and host meals and enjoy the sobremesa.

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