Don McMinn

There’s a Spanish word – sobremesa – that summarizes the message I want to convey in this post. It describes the time spent around the table after lunch or dinner, talking to the people you shared the meal with; time to digest and savor both food and friendship.

There is something profoundly satisfying about sharing a meal with other people. Eating together is one of the oldest and most fundamental unifying human experiences. It can simultaneously fulfill physical, emotional, and relational needs.

It will help establish and deepen friendships

If I share my food with you it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it. (That’s a joke.) Seriously, I can’t think of another setting that’s better for solidifying friendships than gathering to eat. It slows down our pace, narrows our space, focuses our attention, and creates a relaxing ambience—all of which are beneficial for deepening friendships.

It’s good for business

Since humans first walked the earth, we’ve known that sharing a meal can be good for business. For instance, a recent study revealed that it doesn’t take much to get a doctor to prescribe a brandname medication—just a free meal. The study found that U.S. doctors who received a single free meal from a drug company were more likely to prescribe the drug than doctors who received no such meals. Meals paid for by drug companies cost less than $20 on average. [Even Cheap Meals Influence Doctors’ Drug Prescriptions, Study Suggests, Peter Loftus, WSJ, June 20, 2016].

I’ve never understood why some organizations are stingy with the amount of funds allocated for business meals. I once worked with a group of six senior executives at a $75 million dollar a year business. They were frustrated that the CEO, in order to save money, eliminated their budget for business meals, which saved the company a whopping $24k a year. I suspect that poor decision cost the company a lot of revenue.

It engenders good will

Treat someone to a $15 lunch and they’ll be your friend forever. Well, that’s an exaggeration; but it’s true that even a small amount of money and time will generate a lot of relational capital.

A weekly family meal can become a wonderful family tradition

I enjoy watching the sitcom, Bluebloods (on CBS). It follows the lives of three generations of New York City police officers. In most episodes, there’s a scene showing their weekly, Sunday afternoon family meal in which they gather around the dinner table to talk, argue, laugh, and pass the potatoes.

Every family would benefit from this tradition. My family has started eating a meal together every Friday night at the Lakehouse, followed by games. Last week the game was, Get in groups of three people, grab one of the dogs, and teach it to dance. In a moment, choose a song you want to dance to and let it rip. We laughed so hard our sides ached.

I double-dog-dare you: initiate and host meals and enjoy the sobremesa.

Years ago, I attended a meeting in which my boss asked several of us our opinion about an impending decision he needed to make. Robust dialogue ensued. But we later discovered that he had already made the decision before asking for our input. We felt used and manipulated.

The French have a term for that—fait accompli—a thing that has already happened or been decided before those affected hear about it, leaving them with no option but to accept it; a thing accomplished and presumably irreversible. 

Fait accompli is deceptive and discourteous; it’s a form of lying.

Let’s consider it from two perspectives.

Don’t do it to others. 

• • • Don’t ask your family where they want to go on vacation if you’ve already solidified a trip.
    • As a leader, If you’ve already made a decision, just announce it.  Don’t waste people’s time by asking them to think or talk about it. If you’re 90% sure that you’re going to make a particular decision but want to get some last-minute input, be upfront about your leanings, but don’t ask for input if your mind is made up.  

Beware of when you’re being manipulated by it.

• • • If you suspect that you’re being manipulated in this way, call it out: “Is this decision already made?” 
    • If you know for sure that a decision has already been made, don’t waste your brain cells thinking about it.

The term “fait accompli” can also refer to what has been done and cannot be changed. Synonyms would include: done deal, completed act, “it is what it is.” If this is the case, just accept reality and move on.

For instance:

John –  “I can’t believe our boss is requiring us to work the next two weekends.”

Jane – “Well, there’s no point in continuing to talk about it, it’s fait accompli. Let’s just make the best of it.”

Learn to spot fait accompli and carefully respond to it.

When writing posts, I seldom start with a picture and then write about it. I usually write a post and then look for an appropriate cartoon or picture.

But when I read the caption of this picture, I felt compelled to write because it expresses a standard that we should all aspire too. 

We’ve all heard the phrase “justice is blind” which means that justice should be impartial and objective. It’s based on a Greek statue of Lady Justice wearing a blindfold so as not to treat friends differently from strangers, or rich people better than poor ones, etc.

Let’s expand and enhance the concept by saying “love is blind.”

We know this truth is inalienable, but let’s remind ourselves: We should love all people regardless of the color of their skin, their family of origin, level of education, financial status, political persuasion, gender, age, religious persuasion, etc.  Love should be blind and deaf.  

Most of us are unaware of our biases and prejudices. They are so engrained they lie hidden. But we should strive to identify and uproot them.

Here are some fancy words that describe various forms of prejudice.

• • • Racism – prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against a person or people on the basis of their membership in a particular racial or ethnic group, typically one that is a minority or marginalized

• • • Sexism – prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination, typically against women, on the basis of sex

• • • Ageism – prejudice or discrimination on the grounds of a person’s age

• • • Homophobia – dislike of or prejudice against gay people

• • • Classism – prejudice against or in favor of people belonging to a particular social class

• • • Xenophobia – dislike or prejudice against people from other countries

• • • Nationalism – identification with one’s own nation and support for its interests, especially to the exclusion or detriment of the interests of other nations

• • • Religious discrimination – treating a person differently because of the particular beliefs they hold about religion

Back to the picture at the top of this post. Isn’t it refreshing to see two young boys who are blind to the difference in the color of their skin. We should emulate their mentality. 

I’ll end with a funny story about religious prejudice.

I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.”

I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”

He said, “Protestant.”

I said, “Me, too! What denomination?”

He said, “Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”

I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

In his helpful book, The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg introduces the concept of keystone habits.

“Some habits have the power to start a chain reaction as they move through an organization. Some habits, in other words, matter more than others. Keystone habits say that success doesn’t depend on getting every single thing right, but instead relies on identifying a few key priorities and fashioning them into powerful levers.” (Random House, 2012, pgs. 100-101)

A keystone is the wedge-shaped stone piece at the apex of a masonry vault or arch which is the final piece placed during construction. It locks all the stones into position, allowing the arch to bear weight. Although a masonry arch or vault cannot be self-supporting until the keystone is placed, the keystone experiences the least stress of any of the stones due to its position at the apex.

According to Duhigg, strategic keystone habits can serve the same important function in our personal lives and in organizations – they hold together other critical elements. They may be simple but they are important and influential. One or a few keystone habits can make the difference between success and failure in our lives and organizations. 

For example, I lead a non-profit organization that depends on volunteers to fulfill its mission. We adopted a keystone habit – Participate or Communicate – that helps hold the organization together and keeps us focused on our mission. We simply ask each volunteer to show up for his weekly assignment (participate) or let us know ahead of time that he won’t (communicate). Knowing that people don’t do what you expect but what you inspect, we follow-up on those who don’t P or C. It’s a simple system that works wonders.

Keystone habits will also enhance our personal lives. One of my personal keystone habits is memorization. Every week I compile a set of information that I memorize. It keeps my mind sharp and allows me to meditate on significant thoughts.