Don McMinn

“Although people want a doctor to fix their broken bones, when it comes to problems in their heads, they often want sympathy rather than solutions.” Adam Grant

Hurt and pain come in many forms. Physical pain is the most obvious. Mental and emotional pain is harder to diagnose but can be just as debilitating. Feelings such as sorrow, embarrassment, frustration, shame, aloneness, sadness, anxiety, depression (the list is lengthy) are painful.

When someone is hurting — for any reason or in any way (physical, emotional, mental) — our first response should be to empathize. Identify with their pain and speak comforting words. [Here’s a post I wrote on Don’t Say This to Someone Who Is Hurting.]

But sometimes empathy is not enough. It’s certainly necessary but it may not be sufficient. Sometimes our compassion should cause us to go beyond empathy. We see this demonstrated throughout the life of Jesus.

One of the mainstays in Jesus’ life was his profound compassion. The travails and anguish of others touched him deeply. For instance, In Mark 6:34 we read, “When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things.” In Matthew 14:14 his compassion prompted him to heal. In Matthew 15:32 compassion led Jesus to feed the multitudes.

Notice the connection between compassion and other actions.  His empathy led to instruction, or kind deeds, or the meeting of practical needs.

There are times when hurting people just need empathy. But sometimes, in addition to empathy, they need something else. Often a person who is hurting would benefit from being taught, coached, instructed, or even admonished.

Sometimes the hurt someone feels is the product of his own doing. Perhaps he’s unaware that he is the cause of his pain, or though he’s been told, he refuses to change. Consider these scenarios.

• A friend continually mourns and complains because his acquaintances avoid him (which they do). But the reason is, he’s difficult to be around. He doesn’t need more empathy as much as he needs honest feedback. His pain will not go away until he changes.
• A family member continually complains and expresses frustration about her dead-end job. But she dropped out of high school, hasn’t developed any new job skills, and spends most of her free time watching TV. Does she need more empathy?
• A colleague often expresses sadness because he feels alone and disconnected from others. But he takes no initiative to reach out to other people; he lives like a hermit.

In these cases, I’m not suggesting that the feelings expressed aren’t real. (Feelings are usually real, though they’re not always true or reliable.) The problem is, the feelings will persist until the cause of the pain is addressed and remedied.

Sometimes, people don’t need just a shoulder to cry on, they also need an honest assessment of why they’re locked into a never-ending predicament. Honesty can be a gift, just like empathy. And often they need us to become involved in providing a solution.

Twenty-one million people have seen the following video. I understand the video is a spoof on a common communication challenge; it’s an exaggeration trying to offer some comic relief. The first time I saw it I laughed. But the more I think about it, I’m frustrated at the lady with the nail in her head. Her thinking and behavior are illogical and she places her partner in a no-win, difficult position.

My recommendation is: when responding to someone who is hurting, always start with genuine empathy. But when necessary, take the next step and help them understand the situation and how it could be ameliorated and offer to be a part of the solution. If we never take these extra steps we’re not being as helpful as we could and should be. 

If you folded a piece of paper in half 100 times, how tall would it be?                      [The surprising answer is at the bottom of this post.]

When Albert Einstein was asked what he thought was the human race’s greatest invention, he allegedly replied, “Compound interest.” It was a humorous response and we’re not sure what he meant by it, but it does contain a kernel of truth.

There is a big difference between simple and compound interest. Simple interest lets you earn money on your principal. Compound interest lets you earn money on your principal and your interest. For instance, at a simple interest rate of 10%, it takes 10 years to double your money. A compound interest rate of 10% will double your money in just 7.2 years.

The same advantage that compound interest has on money also applies to the power of compounding in learning. The cumulative effect of learning is astonishing.

John Kotter, in his book Leading Change, puts it this way:

“Between age thirty and fifty, Fran ‘grows’ at the rate of six percent—that is, every year she expands her career-relevant skills and knowledge by six percent. Her twin sister, Janice, has exactly the same intelligence, skills, and information at age thirty, but during the next twenty years she grows at only two percent per year. Perhaps Janice becomes smug and complacent after early successes. Or maybe Fran has some experience that sets a fire underneath her. The question here is, how much difference will this relatively small learning differential make by age fifty?

“Given the facts about Fran and Janice, it’s clear that the former will be able to do more at age fifty than the later. But most of us underestimate how much more capable Fran will become. The confusion surrounds the effect of compounding. 

“For Fran and Janice, the difference between a six percent and a two percent growth rate over twenty years is huge. If they each have 100 units of career-related capability at age 30, 20 years later, Janice will have 122 units, while Fran will have 321. Peers at age 30, the two will be in totally different leagues at age 50.” (page 181)

I think the most important life-skill to develop is lifelong learning. It’s more important and doable than you think.  This post underscores the marvelous compounding effect of lifelong learning. Engage in it and you’ll soon feel wind filling your sails.

[Here’s a free copy of a book I wrote on Lifelong Learning.]

When is the best time to plant a tree? — Twenty years ago. When is the second best time to plant a tree? — Today. 

When is the best time to commit to lifelong learning? — When you’re a child. When is the second best time to commit to lifelong learning? — Today. 

Here’s a good place to start: read books. If you read one good book a month and internalize what you learn so that it “sticks,” ten years from now you will have learned from 120 books. Your knowledge of the world will expand. You’ll be emotionally, socially and intellectually energized. And, you’ll be more competitive. [If your colleagues at work don’t read any books in the next ten years (and most people don’t read consistently), you will gain a distinct advantage.]

Now, go read a good book. (I recommend a book I read last week – Think Again by Adam Grant.)

Question – If you folded a piece of paper in half 100 times, how tall would it be?

Answer – Its thickness would equal 93 billion light-years. That’s the power of compounding.

 

“You must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool.” Physicist Richard Feynman

In Leo Tolstoy’s novel The Death of Ivan Ilych, the protagonist, Ivan Ilych, is a smart, competent attorney dying from an unknown cause. Tolstoy describes a scene in which Ivan has a sobering realization while gazing at his sleeping daughter, Gerasim.

“Ivan Ilych’s physical sufferings were terrible, but worse than the physical sufferings were his mental sufferings which were his chief torture.

“His mental sufferings were due to the fact that at night, as he looked at Gerasim’s sleepy, good-natured face with its prominent cheek-bones, the question suddenly occurred to him: ‘What if my whole life has been wrong?’

“It occurred to him that what had appeared perfectly impossible before, namely that he had not spent his life as he should have done, might after all be true.”

What a probing and hopefully troubling question.

We are all wrong. Both as individuals and collectively, we are wrong about many things.

As a species (homo sapiens), we are undoubtedly and currently doing things that are terribly wrong. Just look at some of the failings of the recent past.

Slavery in the United States was the legal institution of human chattel, primarily of Africans and African-Americans, that existed from our country’s founding in 1776 until the passage of the Thirteenth Amendment in 1865 (only 250 years ago).

After 3,000 years of being considered a wise medical procedure, bloodletting has only recently—in the late 19th century—been discredited as a treatment for most ailments. America’s first president, George Washington, allegedly had 80 ounces of blood drained from his body in a last-ditch effort to save his life.

In the near and distant future, and for the rest of human history, humans will look with aghast at things we now consider normal and acceptable. What we accept as best-practices in the 21st century will be considered uninformed, unnecessary, even harmful, and wrong. (I’ll make a prediction: in the near future we will wonder why, in this modern era, health care was not readily available to every person on the planet.)

On a personal level, you and I are wrong about many things. There are specific areas of our lives that are wrong and need to change. 

• What if you have lived a self-centered life?
• What if you have neglected your family?
• What if you have not lived authentically?
• What if you have pursued the wrong career?
• What if you are racist?

When was the last time you admitted being wrong and revised your opinion accordingly? Know this: there are areas of your life in which you are wrong. If you think you’re an exception to this statement, your pushback betrays your naiveté, lack of self-awareness, and error.

The good news is, we can change. Thoreau said, “I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life through conscious endeavor.”

Take an audit of your life; particularly consider areas in which you have a fixed mindset – areas that have been unassailable, uneditable, and beyond reproach. Also investigate areas that are part of your cultural heritage – ideologies that you inherited from your family and society. (Remember, you were not born with any opinions or beliefs; they’re not part of your DNA, you choose to endorse them.) Consider your blind spots; everyone has at least one. (You’ll need help you on this issue because you are…blinded…to your your blind spot.)

If taken seriously, this exploration could be one of the most significant and revealing events of your life.

We often think that if we admit we are wrong, people will think less of us. I think just the opposite; people will admire us. I’ll close with this story from Adam Grant’s book, Think Again (page 73).

“In the early 1990s, the British physicist Andrew Lyne published a major discovery in the world’s most prestigious science journal. He presented the first evidence that a planet could orbit a neutron star – a star that had exploded into a supernova. Several months later, while preparing to give a presentation at an astronomy conference, he noticed that he hadn’t adjusted for the fact that the Earth moves in an elliptical orbit, not a circular one. He was embarrassingly, horribly wrong. The planet he had discovered didn’t exist.

“In front of hundreds of colleagues, Andrew walked onto the ballroom stage and admitted his mistake. When he finished his confession, the room exploded in a standing ovation. One astrophysicist called it “the most honorable thing I’ve ever seen.”

When I was a teenager I heard a sermon on the mystery box. The pastor recommended that throughout life everyone should keep an imaginary box into which you place those things that happen in life for which there seems to be no good explanation. In the course of life, events and issues happen that we don’t understand. We ask “why” but never get an answer (though some well-meaning friends will offer their opinions). We pray for answers and reasons, but God is silent. 

So when a painful, unexplainable event happens, open your mystery box, place the event inside, close the lid and then stop trying to figure it out. Someday, in heaven, open up the box and talk to God.

I remember the first thing I put in my box. When growing up, my hero was the minister of music at my church. He was a wonderful man and effective minister. When he was 42 years old (I was 18) he had a stroke and became incapacitated. He’s now in his 90’s. I wrestled with God about his illness and subsequent limited lifestyle. I finally opened up my mystery box, placed the anger, confusion, and unsolved mystery inside, and shut the lid.

I’m now 68 years old and have five things in my box. 

This is a wonderful, effective way to deal with imponderables. By placing them in the box, we’re not denying or minimizing our pain and confusion. We’re simply acknowledging that there’s no clear answer available in this life, but there will be in the next. When we get to heaven, we can discuss these issues with God (though I think they will become clear the moment we arrive). 

One of my favorite Bible passages is Isiah 55:8-9: 

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”

This is not new or shocking news. Do we actually think that God thinks like we do or is restricted by our limitations? If he did and was, He wouldn’t be God.

By the way, we often fumble the ball when responding to other people’s imponderables. We do them and God a disservice when we try to explain something for which there is no explanation. I even resist saying things like, “God will cause this to work out for your good” or, “this will make you stronger.” Either don’t say anything or suggest that they start their own mystery box. [Here’s a post I wrote titled Don’t say this to someone who is hurting.]

Let’s just trust God and his ways in our lives and the lives of other people.