Don McMinn

One of the most encouraging things about life is that at any time we can decide to change and chart a new course. Life is like a book with many chapters; as the author, you can start a new chapter at anytime.

It doesn’t matter how old you are or how deeply embedded you are in your current modus operandi. You can always choose a new direction. Where you’ve been need not determine where you go.

Sometimes in life we slowly and unwittingly drift into an undesirable place, or sometimes life changes around us and we don’t adjust to it. We find ourselves severely out of sync. Often our poor choices place us in jeopardy.

Regardless of why we’re displaced or out of kilter, we can remedy the situation. Making major changes is hard, but doable. It takes courage and grit.

• Terminate an abusive relationship.
• Start a new career.
• Stop a bad habit or start a good one.
• Decide to be more positive, or punctual, or kind.
• Pray more.

You’ll probably need help; it’s difficult to negotiate major changes on your own. But you must initiate the new direction and be the driving force behind it. No one else is responsible for your turnaround, but many will assist.

When you’re ready to move to a better place and future, think carefully about, and take, that first step. Think about where you want to go and then take a baby-step forward, then another, and another. The journey of 1,000 miles begins with one step, so the first step is very important – both for direction and momentum.

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second-best time to plant a tree is today. A year from now you’ll wish you had started today. Start today.

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In renowned psychologist Alison Gopnik’s must-read book, The Gardener and the Carpenter, she makes a seemingly too obvious statement: “Children are messy.”

It’s not a new or radical thought, but sometimes we don’t need to be taught something new as much as simply reminded of something important but perhaps out of mind.

My two-year-old grandson, Benjamin, recently had a meltdown in a nice restaurant. Yep, children are messy. He drew a nice picture of a house, dog, and moon—on the wall of our hallway. Yep, children are messy. I could go on ad infinitum, but you get my drift.

When these mishaps occur, reminding myself that “children are messy” seems to help me deal with them. Perhaps just anticipating that unfortunate things will happen ameliorates the discomfort.

Now, let’s switch applications. Here’s a reminder to leaders: leadership is messy.

• No matter how conscientious you are about hiring good people, you’ll make mistakes.
• Well-thought-out strategies that you consider bulletproof will sometimes fail.
• Earn a black belt in internal communications, but you’ll still have embarrassing moments of confusion and misalignment in your organization.
• Even though you carefully negotiate dismissing an under-performing staff member, you still might get sued.

Work hard at leading well, but don’t be surprised or overly discouraged when things fall apart or get messy. Don’t be cavalier about breakdowns, but don’t let them disrupt your confidence or determination.

The constant challenges that leaders face may cause you to rethink being one. You may be happier and more fulfilled in a non-leadership role—functioning as an achiever rather than a leader. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Raising children and leading an organization have one thing in common: both are messy.

Here’s a video of a smart leader responding to a difficult situation.

[youtube id=”5L8Em5vU0FU”]

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The Road to Character  – David Brooks

A great treatise on character illustrated by a brief biography of major characters (Eisenhower, Augustine, Dorothy Day, George Eliot, and others). Click here for more information from Amazon.[/callout]

In a 50/50 relationship—where each person has equal authority—a “no” is more powerful than a “yes.” For instance, in a marriage in which the 50/50 rule is in place, if one spouse says, “Let’s go out to eat on Friday,” and the other says, “No; I don’t want to,” the latter rules. “No” trumps “yes.”

This seems unfair to me.

This quirkish adulteration of fairness is particularly potent and unsavory when one person in the 50/50 relationship tends to be negative and pessimistic, or controlling, or indecisive, or inordinately passive.

How can we avoid this situation?

• One obvious way is to avoid 50/50 relationships. Just one degree—a 51/49 relationship—can make a difference. (Just hope you possess that extra one percent.)
• Spread the power among three or more people, perhaps a 33/33/34 scenario, so that one person cannot control.
• Establish a measure of independence in decision making; don’t frame an issue in terms that require consensus: “I’m going out to eat on Friday. Would you like to join me?”
• Carefully craft the initial statement such that you can say “no.” You: “What would you like to do on Friday for dinner?” Other person’s reply: “Stay at home.” You: “No, I don’t want to do that.” In which case your “no” might prevail over the other person’s preference.

I’m not advocating that we become manipulative and self-serving. I am suggesting that we avoid being manipulated and controlled and that we establish balance of power in mutual relationships.

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At work and at home, conflicts are inevitable. We are imperfect people living in an imperfect world. So don’t be surprised when relationships are strained, but do proactively try to resolve the conflicts.

Here are some things to consider.

Misunderstandings are a natural byproduct of progress.

An ancient proverb says, “Where there are no oxen, the manger is empty, but from the strength of an ox comes an abundant harvest.” There’s something implied but omitted in this phrase; do you see it? My paraphrase of this proverb is: “Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean; but where there are oxen working, there’s going to be a lot of excrement that needs to be cleaned up.”

Whenever a group of people (oxen) are engaged in activity (producing a harvest), mishaps will happen. Whenever people work together, things get messy. And the more people involved and the busier they are, the messier it gets.

Take the initiative to restore the peace.

In strained relationships, someone must take the first step toward restitution. You be that person. You may be reluctant to do so because “I didn’t start the conflict” or “I’m not the main offender.” Regardless, you can be the peacemaker.

Settle matters quickly.

Misunderstandings seldom resolve themselves and they usually get worse when ignored. Address difficult issues sooner than later.

Distinguish between issues that need to be dropped and those that should be addressed.

If taken to an extreme, obsessing about peace in relationships can have an unsettling effect. If I feel compelled to address every minor irritation that comes my way, I’ll unnecessarily stir up the relational waters. Some issues just need to be dropped.
Consider this suggestion when you’re upset, but if someone else is upset, don’t dismiss their feelings as unimportant or trivial: “Yeah, I know Bob’s upset about being surprised at the meeting, but it’s not a big deal; he just needs to drop it.”

You may need to help arbitrate other people’s quarrels and misunderstandings.

At times, you’ll need to intervene in relational tiffs in which you are not personally involved. If you’re a leader, you’ll do this often.
This might involve encouraging someone to take action: “John, I think that you and Bob need to get together and talk out your differences.” Or, you may need to get directly involved: “John, let me set up a meeting with you, Bob, and me so that this issue can be addressed.”

Sometimes our pursuit of peace will fail.

For relational conflicts to be resolved, everyone involved must do their part to establish peace. Sometimes our sincere effort to resolve an issue won’t work because the other party cannot or will not agree to a peaceful resolution.

Click here for suggestions on how to structure a peace-seeking conversation.

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