Month: February 2020

“We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior.” Stephen Covey

This statement, made by author Stephen Covey, exposes a hypocrisy most of us struggle with. Both terms—intentions and behavior—are legitimate ways to evaluate human conduct; the rub is that we conveniently select intentions when considering ourselves and behavior when evaluating other people.  

I think we should consider both consistently and apply them uniformly. 

Intentions are important because why we do something reveals motive. Behavior is important because what we do impacts ourselves and others.   

While intentions are important, they don’t atone for all behavior. Here in Dallas, we recently had an incident in which a policewoman, thinking she was entering her own apartment, entered someone else’s apartment, thought the tenet was an intruder, and shot him dead. At the trial, her lawyer said, “She didn’t intend to kill an innocent person”; but someone died.  

Relative to your own behavior, don’t use intentions as an excuse for unproductive actions: “I didn’t mean to back into your car in the parking lot.” Or, “I didn’t intend to hurt you with my remarks.” Instead, own up to your behavior: pay to have the car repaired, and ask forgiveness if you spoke inappropriate words.  

Relative to other people’s behavior, cut them some slack for good intentions. “I understand that you didn’t purposefully back into my car.” Or, “I know you care for me though your words didn’t properly reflect that.”

Let’s maintain an attitude of presumed benevolence toward others. Let’s believe that the actions and behaviors of other people are inspired by good rather than negative intentions. Choose to imagine a noble intent.

Travel is one of life’s greatest opportunities. I enjoy helping other people experience the thrill of the journey. That’s why I sponsor international Travel With Friends excursions.

In May, we’ll travel to Peru. [There are only two spaces left.]

In October, we’ll travel to Italy, Croatia, Turkey and the Greek Isles.

Here are some pictures from previous trips. 

Email me with questions – [email protected]

I recently had a tiff with my adult daughter. I had asked her opinion about a particular statement and when she responded, I pushed back on her thinking. She replied, “Dad, why do you ask my opinion and then argue with it?”

This same type of conversational misunderstanding also happened at work. Having analyzed this problem, I realize that in these situations I have been miscommunicating my intent. I need to be more clear about the type of conversation I’m wanting to have. When initiating certain conversations—particularly when I’m asking for input—I now consider three options.  

Scenario 1—What is your opinion?

When I ask for someone’s opinion, I shouldn’t disagree with or challenge their thoughts. I just need to listen carefully. If I ask someone, “What did you think about the political debate that was aired last night?” that’s not an invitation to discuss politics. I shouldn’t counter what is said, I simply need to listen. 

This is passive conversation; while differing opinions may be expressed, there should be no pushback or resistance. The conversation is informative but not challenging.   

Scenario 2—Let’s have robust discussion about a particular topic.

In this scenario, I’ll seek your opinion but I’ll feel free to challenge your thoughts and you can challenge mine. I’m wanting to dig deep into a subject, not to prove who’s right and who’s wrong, but to better understand a situation. Let’s challenge each other and we’ll both end in a better place. The goal is not to win an argument but to learn. I will probably begin the conversation with a slight inclination but not a firm position. At the end of our discussion I may think differently. But I need to wrestle with our thoughts to get there. I will challenge your thinking; please challenge mine. The goal is not to win an argument but to learn. If I challenge a statement you make, I’m probing for deeper understanding. I’m not attacking you, I’m investigating our thoughts. 

Some people are not comfortable with this type of conversation.

My mistake has often been in initiating this type of conversation without clarifying the rules of engagement. In the future, if everyone knows what I mean by robust discussion I might begin by saying, “Let’s have robust discussion about a particular topic.” If someone is unfamiliar with the term, I could say: “I’d like to talk about a particular topic with you. I have some solid ideas and opinions about it, but want to explore other sides to the issue.  I value your thoughts and input. I need a sounding board. Please speak openly and so will I.” 

Scenario 3—Let’s debate.

In this setting, we’ll take opposite sides of an issue and each of us will try to prevail. We both think we’re right so we’ll try to prove each other wrong. Neither of us will probably change our mind as a result of the conversation, though we might walk away with some doubts about our position. 

There’s a proper time and place for each type of conversation. 

Scenario 1 conversations are casual, courteous, and help develop relationships.

Scenario 2 conversations are intentional and focused, and promote clarity and learning. 

Scenario 3 conversations are typically inappropriate for informal conversations. When debate is desired, it should be formally set up and regulated.  

In my weekly blog posts, I’m obviously expressing my personal opinion. But I truly value and enjoy having robust discussion about the issues I proffer. So please hit the comment button and tell me what you think.

Benjamin (my five-year-old grandson), and I were arm-wrestling on the bed. Benjamin took a short break, crawled to the corner of the bed, and whispered a prayer, “God, give me strength to beat Papa.” When he returned to the tournament, I bowed my head and prayed, “God, give me strength to beat Benjamin.” He went back to his prayer corner and prayed, “God, don’t listen to Papa’s prayer.”

Benjamin always wins our arm-wrestling contests (as well as thumb-wars), so hopefully his faith in God and the efficacy of prayer was affirmed. But the incident did disclose an interesting conundrum. How does God negotiate conflicting prayer requests? For instance, organizers of a Fourth of July parade pray for good weather while local farmers are praying for rain to end the drought. 

Abraham Lincoln spoke of this mystery in his second presidential inaugural speech—and also proffered an answer. 

On March 6, 1865 (about five weeks before the Civil War ended), Lincoln addressed a divided nation. In his speech he said, “Both (North and South) read the same Bible, and pray to the same God; and each invokes His aid against the other. The prayers of both could not be answered; that of neither has been answered fully. The Almighty has His own purposes.”

There’s a higher principle at work, and Lincoln expressed it well—the Almighty has his own purposes.

This should not discourage us from praying—after all, the Bible teaches “by prayer and petition, make your requests to God”; but we’re wise to frame our requests knowing that “our God is in heaven, he does what he pleases.” 

We wouldn’t want it any other way.

When praying, I avoid prejudicial requests. I don’t pray that UT Austin will beat Oklahoma in their annual football game, though I may pray for the safety of the players. I don’t pray about the weather; it is totally controlled by God. I avoid giving God advice, or telling him what he should do. And, I don’t pray for his aid if it might harm someone else.

Also, my prayers are shorter than they used to be. Ecclesiastes teaches, “Don’t be hasty in bringing matters before God. After all, God is in heaven, and you are here on earth. So let your words be few.” Sometimes, long public prayers seem unnecessary. (Relative to long public prayers, someone once said, “If your prayer is short, I will pray with you. If it is long, I will pray for you. If it is extremely long, I will pray against you.”)

Our best option is to embrace the sovereignty of God and keep our prayers simple. I often pray, “God, be God in my life and in the lives of those I love.”