Don McMinn

You must go on. I can’t go on. I’ll go on. —Samuel Beckett

Psychologist Martin Seligman identifies three attitudes—all starting with the letter P—that make it difficult for us to recover from a personal setback.

• • • Personalization—the belief that we are at fault
    • Pervasiveness—the belief that an event will affect all areas of our life
    • Permanence—the belief that the aftershocks of the event will last forever

In other words, when responding to a personal problem we often think: 

• • • It’s all my fault this happened. 
    • It will adversely affect my entire life. 
    • My life will never be the same again. 

Be aware of these three tendencies and when needed, talk yourself out of them, or even better, discuss it with a friend.

For instance, following a difficult divorce, healthy thinking might include:   

• • • Acknowledge and accept responsibility for your part in the broken relationship, but only your part. Your spouse, other people, and circumstances no doubt influenced the situation, so spread out the culpability. You should bear part of the blame but not all of it.  
    • Don’t let the divorce permeate every area of your life. Continue to find meaning in your work. Spend time with friends. Compartmentalize the event and don’t let it soil other areas of life.
    • Realize that the divorce need not permanently affect your life. Eventually, the pain and awkwardness will fade. You will survive the divorce and it need not define your life.

If your small business fails, healthy self-talk might sound like this: 

• • • “If I could do it again, I would avoid the following mistakes…(name them). But, I’ve learned a lot through this setback and I’ll be a better person for it. Statistically, only 30% of new businesses make it past the first three years; if I ever try this again, because of what I’ve learned, I’ll be in that 30%.”
    • “My professional life is important, but it’s not the only, or most important part of my life. I’ll continue to spend meaningful time with family and friends, enjoy my hobbies, and start looking for another job.”
    • “This failure is not going to define me or determine my future. As the years go by it will become a remote memory with little or no long-term effects.” 

When we mentally and emotionally dismantle these three tendencies and begin to embrace a more positive perspective, we’ll experience relief.

The hot-stove effect was first proffered by humorist Mark Twain.

“We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again and that is well but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.”

Throughout life, be careful not to overreact to painful experiences. Failures, embarrassing moments, and hurtful events – if not properly processed – can have an inordinate impact on our lives and dissuade us from “jumping on the stove” again.

In our home, we’re helping to raise my granddaughter, Claire. She’s 2.5 years old. When I started giving her showers I used adult shampoo which stung her eyes. My bad. I switched to baby shampoo which doesn’t sting , but her memory is etched with shampoo=pain. Every time I put shampoo on her head she screams. I try to explain the situation, but that doesn’t help. I think only time will help ameliorate this misunderstanding.

Carefully study and analyze your experiences and put them into proper perspective (even positive experiences, if not properly processed, can lead to unhealthy behavior).

For example:

• • • You may abandon a helpful technology because your first experience with it was distasteful.
    • Some divorcees feign the thought of marrying again because of the hurt they sustained in a former marriage.
    • Not being accepted into your school of our choice may discourage you from pursuing higher education.

I have been a public speaker and teacher for 50 years, but two embarrassing moments in my early years might have derailed this aspect of my career.

When I was eight years old I was asked (with no prior notice) to stand in front of my Sunday School class and pray aloud. I froze…awkward silence ensued…kids giggled…I was embarrassed.

But the following week, one of my teachers took the time to meet with me and he spoke words of comfort and encouragement, helped me compose a written prayer, and coached me as I practiced reading it aloud in the same room where the nightmare took place. Then he arranged for me to speak the prayer in the same Sunday School Class the next Sunday. All went well and I fully recovered from the debacle.

In high school, I was vice president of my senior class. Once, when speaking before the student body, I planned on using the phrase “hook, line, and sinker,” as in, “he was so naive that he swallowed it hook, line, and sinker.” But in my speech the phrase came out “sink, line and hooker.”

My classmates were unmerciful. Unfortunately, no one helped me process what had happened; fortunately, I thought carefully about the incident by myself and decided that though it was a bad experience, it need not be a life-changing one.

A wonderful way to love others is to recognize when they may be suffering from the hot-stove effect and then take the initiative to help them process the incident and put it into proper perspective. I will be forever grateful for my Sunday School teacher (I cannot even remember his name). He might have salvaged my future career.

Five frogs sat on a lily pad; one decided to get off. Now, how many frogs are on the lily pad?

We mustn’t confuse intentions, resolutions, plans, and decisions with action.

• • • Intending to do something doesn’t change anything.
    • Planning to do something is not synonymous with doing it.
    • Deciding to do something is not the same as doing it.
    • Action is the sine qua non of change and the precursor to progress.

Granted, planning and action are mutually dependent. Action without planning can be ineffective and inefficient. Abraham Lincoln said, “Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.” Good planning increases the effectiveness of action. But planning without action is just wishful thinking. 

Business consultant Peter Drucker said, “Ideas don’t move mountains; bulldozers move mountains, but ideas show where the bulldozers have to go to work.” Until you hear the rumble of the bulldozer and feel the resistance of the dirt, you haven’t bridged the gap between planning and action. 

Planning, by itself, can be deceptively easy—even enjoyable. Jerry Brown, former governor of California, said, “The reason everybody likes planning is that nobody has to do anything.” All great ideas must inevitably evolve into work.  

After you have planned, it’s helpful to immediately do something toward reaching the goal; this kickstarts momentum. Indira Gandhi, former prime minister of India, said, “Have a bias towards action – let’s see something happen now. You can break a big plan into small steps and take the first step right away.” All projects can be broken down into small, actionable tasks. Identify one and get started.

I ask again: Five frogs sat on a lily pad; one decided to get off. Now, how many frogs are on the lily pad?

In religious art, saints and angels are often portrayed with halos, and the devil and demons have horns. Through the years, these contrived images have worked: when we see a halo, bathed in heavenly light, we think that the figure is good and pious; horns suggest the opposite. 

Psychologists use these two symbols to illustrate an interesting phenomenon we often fall prey too. The halo and horn effects are cognitive biases that cause us to allow one trait, either good (halo) or bad (horn), to overshadow other traits, behaviors, actions, or beliefs.

We often create an overall impression of someone or something based on one, unrelated trait. This bias can cause us to think too highly of someone or something (halo effect) and cause us to think poorly of someone or something (horn effect) because of a single characteristic or trait.

The halo and horn effects bias our assessment of people.

• • • We may assume (wrongly) that physically attractive people are more informed, intelligent, or competent. 
    • We may think someone who is disheveled and untidy is struggling in life and lacks acumen.
    • We may think someone with a complicated-sounding name—Stephan Lewandowski—is more debonair than someone named John Smith. 
    • Someone who is winsome and engaging may be thought to be insightful or competent. 
    • One research study found that jurors were less likely to believe that attractive people were guilty of criminal behavior. 

The halo and horn effects will prejudice our thinking in other areas of life.

• • • A car dealer will place its fanciest car in the middle of the showroom (fully realizing that the average buyer cannot afford it) because it enhances what customers think of the other models.
    • A restaurant will list a $900 bottle of 2014 Penfolds Grange wine on their menu, (knowing that no one will probably buy it) because having it on the list makes customers think more highly of the entire restaurant. (I often wonder, do they even have a bottle of that wine? Perhaps they did, and sold it, but continue to list it.) 
    • A law firm will maintain high-dollar offices to perpetuate the appearance of success and expertise. (I wonder who is paying for those fancy offices. Hint: you, the client.) I thought we paid attorneys for their wisdom and experience so why be swayed by mahogany desks on the 20th floor of a downtown office building? 
    • When consumers have an unfavorable experience, they may allow that one negative experience to influence what they think of the entire brand. (When eating at a restaurant, if the bathroom needs servicing, I may unfairly dismiss the entire restaurant even though all other factors are good.)

How can we guard against these unproductive and misleading tendencies?

1. 1. 1. Think holistically. A comprehensive approach recognizes that there are many parts to a whole entity and that the whole should not be judged on one part. One characteristic cannot adequately or fairly define an entire entity. 
      2. Be skeptical of advertising and marketing because they often intentionally use the halo effect to promote a product and the horn effect to demean the competition.  

Identify situations in which you have been tricked by the halo and horn effects. How can we develop an immunity to these two biases?