Author: Don McMinn

I recently had dinner with a group of friends. The restaurant we were in was full and the acoustics were live so it was difficult to hear conversations. So we each adjusted the volume of our voices so we could hear and be heard. But one friend continued to speak at her normal volume. No one could hear a word she was saying, but she continued on without adjusting. Finally, I made some gestures to her indicating that we weren’t able to hear her (tugged on my earlobe, shook my head). She momentarily increased the volume of her voice but soon returned to inaudibility. 

Every year my family sails on the Christmas sailing of the Queen Mary II from London to New York. It’s a great family tradition and we love the ship. Unlike most modern cruise ships, the QM II has a magnificent library: about 2,000 sq. ft. containing 5,000 volumes. Most everyone on board adheres to the unspoken but well-known protocol of being quiet while in a library. It’s a place to read and think. Whisper if you must talk to others. One time, while I was in the library, a man started talking at full volume. People raised eyebrows at him but he was clueless about his inappropriate behavior. Finally, I asked him to lower his voice and whisper. He was offended, but obliged. 

In both instances (restaurant, library) the individuals were unaware of how the volume of their voice was adversely affecting their presence in a social environment; one was too soft, the other too loud. At those moments, they both lacked social intelligence.

This is the first of several posts on the topic of Social Intelligence, so let me explain what it is.

John Gardner, in his book Frames of Mind, was the first social scientist to suggest that there are multiple ways in which we can be intelligent, or…unintelligent. He discussed six different kinds of intelligence.

 Multiple Intelligence (MI) 

• • • Abstract intelligence – symbolic reasoning (IQ)
    • Practical intelligence – getting things done
    • Emotional intelligence – being aware of, and properly responding to, the emotional world
    • Aesthetic intelligence – a sense of form, design, literature, the arts, music, and other holistic experiences
    • Kinesthetic intelligence – whole body competence such as sport, dance, or flying a jet fighter
    • Social intelligence – properly assessing and relating to social environments 

Social Intelligence defined

Executive management consultant Karl Albrecht defines social intelligence as, “The accumulated wisdom that comes from constantly observing and learning what works and what doesn’t in human situations.” Social intelligence allows us to accurately assess and properly relate to social environments. It involves strategic situational awareness and a complimentary set of skills for interacting successfully to relational settings.

Social intelligence includes: 

• • • Decorum – propriety and good taste in conduct or appearance
    • Etiquette – the conduct or procedure required by good breeding or prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life
    • Manners – social conduct or rules of conduct as shown in the prevalent customs
    • Politeness – marked by an appearance of consideration, tact, deference, or courtesy

Social ignorance includes: 

• • • Crudeness
    • Cluelessness
    • Acting inappropriately
    • Being awkward in social settings

In the next several weeks I’ll be writing about different aspect of social intelligence. The main takeaway from this post is: In a social setting, be aware of the proper volume at which you should speak.

 

Next Thursday, Mary and I and 48 friends leave on the 12th annual Travel with Friends trip. We’ll visit incredible sights in England, Ireland, Northern Ireland, Scotland, Belgium, and France.

In the past, we’ve traveled to  Europe, Peru, North Africa, Israel, Baltics, Greek Isles, and other destinations. These trips have been life-enhancing and life-changing.

These annual trips are open to everyone. In October I’ll announce the 2024 trip.

If you’d like to keep up with our experiences on this trip,  join our Facebook page. Every day we’ll post pictures and commentary about our adventure.

To sign up, click here – Travel With Friends – McMinn

 

 

Over the weekend my eight-year old grandson had a major learning experience. For years I’ve been working with him on spacial recognition – one of the markers for intelligence. Spacial recognition is the capacity to imagine or visualize in one’s mind the positions of objects, their shapes, and their spatial relationships to one another. It develops in the posterior parietal cortex, an area of the brain often associated with planning movements and spatial awareness.

Architects and engineers must master spatial recognition to know how objects will look like in space and how they will relate.

So this weekend I asked Ben to design a cardboard fort to be built in our sitting room. I explained what an aerial perspective is (also called a birds’s eye view) and gave him a pencil and blank sheet of paper. He studied the room – as it was – and then began to sketch out what it could look like in the future. 

An hour later he presented his plan.

After a trip to Home Depot to buy moving boxes and duct tape, we built his plan. When we finished I asked, “Ben, is this what you had in your mind?” “Yep,” he replied.

 

 

 

I then took advantage of that learning moment to explain to Ben what vision is. I said: “Ben, all things are created twice; first in your mind and then in the physical world. Your fort, this chair, this box-cutter, this house…were first “seen” in someone’s mind, and then someone made it. So vision is a “picture” of something that currently doesn’t exist but can in the future.”

I hope the idea found purchase in his mind and will continue to develop throughout his life.

How might this apply to us?

Do you have vision for your life? For your job? For your children? Can you visualize in your mind something that currently doesn’t exist. It could be a physical object (build a garden in the backyard), a mental discipline (learn Spanish), a relational quest (making five new friends), a financial goal (get out of debt). All these initiatives must be created first, in your mind, before materializing. These thoughts have one thing in common: they are ideas about the future and how it can be better than the present.

We often ruminate about the past and try to negotiate the present, but neglect thinking about the future. Spend the next 60 minutes thinking of ways your future could be an upgrade on the present. Write down 15 alternatives, cull them down to two or three, develop a plan and then head to Home Depot (metaphorically) to get the supplies and start building.  

My two favorite words are initiate and reflect. People who take initiative are leaders; they get things done and get ahead in life. People who reflect are good learners. I’ve written a post on initiative. This one’s on reflection. 

The meaning of reflection is obvious. It means to think deeply and carefully about something. To mull over. To marinate in. To slow soak. To meditate about. To consider again what you have experienced and  learn from it.

I believe it’s the key to learning, discovering, creativity, excellence, and insight. It’s among the most neglected disciplines of 21^st century society.

Let’s apply it to two areas of life.

We don’t learn by reading. We learn by reflecting on what we have read.

While speaking to a group of executives, I asked the question, “How many of you have read Jim Collins’ book Good to Great? 

A majority of hands shot up.

I then asked, “Can anyone recall just one of the many basic principles presented in this great book?

Silence.

I gave some hints – “Remember the Hedge-Hog affect, Level 5 Leaders, ‘Get the right people on the bus, the wrong people off the bus…’” 

A few people nodded.

I have no doubt that most of the group had, indeed,  read the book. But to no advantage because they had not taken the time to reflect on what they had read.

We don’t learn by experiencing life, we learn by reflecting on life – by taking the time to make sense of life’s experiences.

I had lunch with a friend who had recently been fired from his job. His dismissal was preceded by months of stress and strain. He felt bludgeoned. 

I empathized with him and offered my heart-felt condolences. Then I asked, “What have you learned from this painful chapter of your life? 

Silence.  

He hadn’t learned anything. 

What a waste. Instead of emerging from the train wreck having learned valuable life-lessons, he just escaped hurt and slightly bitter.

Every day, take time to reflect on what you’ve read, heard, and experienced. It will be time well spent.