Author: Don McMinn

I don’t talk very much. My wife calls me the king of brevity. I think there’s two reasons why.

First, I am by personality, taciturn. I’m an introvert so I’m not inclined to be verbose. I don’t need to talk a lot.

Secondly, I can remember a conversation I had when I was seventeen years old with a friend called Raymond (I’ll call him Raymond because that is his name).

Early on, Raymond talked a lot. Sometimes annoyingly so. But when we were seniors in high school I noticed that he talked less. It was so apparent that one day I asked him, “Raymond, are you okay? Is something wrong? You don’t talk as much as you used to.”

He said, “Don, I read and memorized a Bible verse and have decided to obey it. James 1:9 says, ‘Everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak,’ so I’ve made a decision to talk less and be a better listener.” 

I knew obeying God’s Word was a good thing, so I made the decision to follow Raymond’s lead. That was 55 years ago.

I’ve learned that sometimes I need to talk more. Being too quiet may come across as unsociable or non-engaging. For sure, Mary deserves more conversation from me. And at times I need to insert my thoughts into conversations because few people ask “Don, what do you think about…”

I also avoid verbosity when writing, so I’ll stop here

Off to Alaska!

I’ve scheduled two information meetings regarding the July 30-August 11 2025 trip to Alaska. [Here’s the brochure.]

1. 1. Wednesday, October 30, 6:00-6:30 in the choir room at Stonebriar Community Church in Frisco, TX.

   2. Thursday, October 31, 6:00-6:45 Zoom meeting. If you want to participate just send me your email address.

 

I take so much for granted. 

When I turn on the tap, fresh water emerges. I get on a plane and eight hours later I’m in Europe (In Columbus’ day the voyage by ship could take six weeks to four months.) I’m often frustrated shopping at Kroger’s because the store is so big it’s hard to find certain items. (Someone living in the 19th century would be awestruck at the availability and choices.) I worship God in a beautiful air-conditioned building among friends. 

I’m often oblivious to all the conveniences I have and presumptuous about their availability and benefit.

But when conveniences are removed, even temporarily, we feel the pain and loss and our appreciation for these niceties soars. Several years ago we had an extended cold front in my town that froze our water pipes, so we had to drink bottled water and melt snow to fill the toilets to flush them. My appreciation for running water spiked.

But Is it possible to train ourselves to be more aware of conveniences and grateful for them without losing them?

Here’s a mind-game you can play that may help: Find a quiet place without distractions, close your eyes, and take an imaginary journey in which you are deprived of the things you enjoy but have take for granted. An abrupt scenario would be to imagine that you’re incarcerated in a 5×10 ft cell serving a life sentence without parole. Or imagine the sudden death of a loved one. Linger on these disturbing scenarios; don’t leave too quickly.

Now open your eyes and enjoy the fact that those thoughts were fabricated. And be grateful.

How can we do this on a regular basis? A humble spirit of gratefulness will be our aid. Let’s try to live every moment embracing the blessings that envelop our lives and express to yourself, God, and others, how grateful you are. Verbalize gratefulness for small things: the warmth of a coffee cup, the view through a window, the musky smell of your dog, running water, your car, friends, books.

On my worst day I am a blessed man.

Off to Alaska!

I’ve scheduled two information meetings regarding the July 30-August 11 2025 trip to Alaska. [Here’s the brochure.]

1. 1. Wednesday, October 30, 6:00-6:30 in the choir room at Stonebriar Community Church in Frisco, TX.

   2. Thursday, October 31, 6:00-6:45 Zoom meeting. If you want to participate just send me your email address.

 

Counterfactual thinking (CFT) is a concept in psychology that involves the human tendency to create possible alternatives to life events that have already occurred; to consider something that is contrary to what actually happened. It is a hypothetical, fictitious perspective on the past.

CFT uses phrases like “what if” and “if only.”

• • • If only I had buckled my seatbelt before the accident.
    • When aimed at President Kennedy, what if Lee Harvey Oswald’s gun had misfired?
    •  What if we had gone elsewhere on our vacation? We would have avoided the storm.

• CFT can be both positive and negative. Better alternatives are called upward counterfactuals; worse alternatives are downward counterfactuals. When reflecting on an incident, it can be played out for better or for worse. For example, a driver who causes a minor car accident might think: “If only I had swerved sooner, I could have avoided the accident.” In contrast, downward counterfactuals spell out the way a situation might have turned out worse; that is, the same driver could think: “If I had been driving faster, I might now be dead.”

Consider the emotions associated with CFT.

• • • Guilt — I feel guilty about neglecting my children when they were young; if only I had spent more time with them.
    • Regret — If only I had chosen a different career path.
    • Pity — If I hadn’t married so young, my life would have been better.
    • Resentment — What if my son had not been arresrted; things would be so different.
    • Anger and bitterness — If I had ignored my friend’s advice—buy an expensive car—I wouldn’t be in debt.
    • Hope — By analyzing my mistakes, I have learned from them and will be a wiser person.
    • Gratitude — Think what could have happened if my car had not been equipped with airbags.
    • Insight — If only I had studied more, I would have passed the exam.

I love facts—things that are indisputable—so I initially resisted CFT because counterfactual literally means contrary to the facts. What possible benefit can be derived from reimagining history? It is as it was. But CFT can be beneficial. It can:

• • • Improve planning and goal-setting. “Let’s analyze our recent event and think about how we could have done it better.”
    • Help us learn, grow, and assess our behaviors. “If I could have that conversation again, I would change what I said.”
    • Give us hope. “I made a mistake, but I’ll not make that same mistake again.”
    • Boost creativity. “Let’s explore all the ways we could have handled that differently.”
    •  Help create different paths for the future. “Let’s change our strategy.”
    • Make us more proactive. “If I had been more involved, I could have influenced the outcome. Next time, I’ll be more aggressive.”

Know when to stop a particular episode of CFT. There is nothing wrong with taking time to ponder or reflect upon past events, but it’s important to let them go; don’t let them become tapes that are constantly played in your mind. If you continue to linger on and develop a particular counterfactual story, it can morph into a fantasy—an “alternative life”—a make-believe world that is disconnected from reality.

CFT should not be confused with embracing untruth—a claim, hypothesis, or belief that is contrary to the facts. We should never deny what actually happened. We can’t recreate history.

Like many other things in life, CFT has its advantages and disadvantages.

Here’s a good article on counterfactual thinking.

Travel with Friends – 2025

Next years’ Travel with Friends trip will be incredible. The destination is on most people’s bucket list. On October 10 I’ll announce the details of the trip and provide a brochure.