Author: Don McMinn

A clear “no” can be more graceful than a vague or noncommittal “yes.”

Think carefully before making commitments. Don’t be impulsive. Your time, energy, and resources are being requisitioned, so respond slowly. When pressured to make a quick decision, make no your default answer. Only say yes after you’ve had the opportunity to fully analyze the situation and come to a wise decision.

If your answer is not a definite yes, then it should be no.

We all keep either a physical or mental to-do list (at least, I hope you do). That’s how work gets identified, organized, and prioritized. We also need to maintain a fictitious “not-to-do-list” which will help us avoid the trivial many. For every one item placed on your to-do list, there will be many opportunities which you should decline.

In Greg McKeown’s terrific book, Essentialism: The Essential Pursuit of Less, he wrote, “Nonessentialists say ‘yes’ automatically, without thinking, often in pursuit of the rush one gets from having pleased someone. But then comes the pang of regret. Eventually they will wake up to the unpleasant reality that something more important must now be sacrificed to accommodate this new commitment. Of course, the point is not to say no to all requests. The point is to say no to the nonessentials so we can say yes to the things that really matter.”

 

I enjoy using items until they are no longer viable.

I bought these suits in 1980 and still wear them on Sunday mornings.

I drive an 18-year old Mountaineer that just turned 200,000 miles.

I have used this bag to carry my music scores for 28 years.

My joy is not just in saving money by using things for a long time, I also enjoy being a good steward of resources. 

The challenge is, we live in a disposable society, also known as a throw-away society. People tend to use items a few times and then discard them. 

The problem is threefold: 

1. 1. 1. We succumb to consumerism—we buy too much stuff, most of which we don’t need.
      2. We prematurely discard items—even when they’re still usable.
      3. We purchase cheap, consumable products instead of durable goods.

The solution is threefold: 

1. 1. 1. Be content with fewer things. Years ago I decided to limit myself to 100 personal items. Here’s a blogpost I wrote about that. One of the best ways to resist consumerism is simply to stop shopping. Seriously, avoid stores and Amazon.
      2. Keep using a product until it doesn’t make sense to continue using it. Enjoy old products that are still viable. (See the examples I gave above.)
      3. When you do purchase an item, buy good quality, durable products. Most products are available in three price categories: cheap, average, expensive. I have discovered that “above-average” is a good target. Avoid cheaply made products and expensive brands (Rolex, Hermes, etc.).

Detachment from stuff gives us more time and resources to focus on the important things in life: people and experiences.

Reading is a gift. We read for the joy and benefit of thinking another person’s thoughts. Here are five books that I thoroughly enjoyed reading last year. 

Life After Power – Jared Cohen

Having once been the most powerful person in the world, what does a former U.S. President do after leaving office? Is it possible to make a significant impact on history as a past-president? Jared Cohen tells the post-presidency stories of seven former presidents: Thomas Jefferson, John Quincy Adams, Grover Cleveland, William Taft, Herbert Hoover, Jimmy Carter, and George W. Bush.

This engaging history book gives insight into what the next chapter of our lives can look like. It encourages us to have the attitude, “Live till you die.”  

An Inspector Calls – J.B. Priestley

An Inspector Calls is a modern morality play written by English dramatist J. B. Priestley. First performed in the Soviet Union in 1945 and at the New Theatre in London the following year, the play is a three-act drama which takes place on a single night on April 5, 1912. 

It is considered required reading in England and should be in American schools. It is a lesson on the effects of an individual’s actions over a passage of time.

The plot: A prosperous manufacturer is hosting a family dinner party to celebrate his daughter’s engagement. Into this joyous scene comes a brusque police inspector investigating the suicide of a young working-class woman. Under interrogation, every member of the family turns out to have a shameful secret that links them to her death.

Decisive – Chip and Dan Heath

The Heath brothers (both academic scholars) have co-authored four books: Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die (2007), Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard (2010), Decisive: How to Make Better Choices in Life and Work (2013), and The Power of Moments: Why Certain Experiences Have Extraordinary Impact (2017).

Their thoughts are clear and concise and they use lots of good examples and illustrations. I love it when brilliant people write in such a way that the rest of us can understand. The lessons are applicable both in corporate settings and in our individual lives. They suggest four obstacles to making good decisions:

• • • narrow framing (not thinking about enough options)
    • confirmation bias in gathering information
    • overweighting short-term emotions (such as discomfort or fear)
    • overconfidence

And offer three solutions:

• • • emphasize gathering diverse opinions
    • consider alternate options
    • test assumptions to reach more informed conclusions

Table for Two – Amor Towles

My favorite novel of the decade is Amor Towles A Gentleman in Moscow. His most recent book is a collection of six short stories that take place in New York City and Los Angeles. Three of these stories: The Line, Hasta Luego, and I Will Survive took my breath away and lingered in my mind for weeks.

Towles has keen insight into the human condition and at times his prose reads like poetry. His stories are informative,  thought-provoking, and entertaining. 

The New Girl – Daniel Silva

Silva is a novelist who writes intriguing stories that are based on current day situations. This book features Gabriel Allon, the head of Israeli intelligence, and Khalid bin Mohammed, the crown prince of Saudi Arabia. It blends fictionalized versions of actual recent events, such as the killing of dissident journalist Jamal Khashoggi in a foreign embassy. It explores themes of hatred between Muslim sects, and the Arab-Israeli conflict. 

I read it while on a recent trip to Istanbul, Athens, and the Balkan coast. Suddenly, I saw spies and hit-men everywhere. It’s hard to put down.

Read one good book a month this year and you’ll be a better, happier, more well-rounded, and informed person.

When I first started my career as a minister, a friend gave me some good advice about maintaining a healthy balance of three types of relationships: takers, balanced, and givers. 

“Don, there are some relationships that will constantly drain you; you’re always giving to them but they seldom give to you. These are takers. You can’t totally avoid them (particularly in the ministry) but if they represent the majority of your relationships, you’ll burn out and lose all hope for humankind.

“In other relationships there will be a nice reciprocity; you give to them and they give to you. These associations are normal, healthy, and balanced.

“You’ll also have a few relationships in which people generously give to you with no thought of return; they will give more to you than you will give to them. Accept their magnanimity.” 

In life, it’s important to have a healthy balance of these three relationship-types. If you only have “takers” they will drain you dry. Balanced relationships, in which there is a mutual giving and receiving, should be the dominate type. And be extremely grateful if you have those rare friends who delight in freely and unconditionally giving to you with no thought of return.

I think I can live a reasonably sane life if I maintain a ratio of 30/60/10 (30% of my relationships are takers, 60% are balanced, 10% are givers).

For a moment, consider what type of person you are to other people. 

• • • Are you primarily a taker; high-maintenance and selfish? 
    • Or do you strive to maintain balance in your relationships—you’re sensitive about the give and take ratio of relationships and work toward equilibrium.  
    • Name several adult relationships in which you are, by choice, the primary giver. 

I now express deep appreciation to these people in my life who have given more to me than I have given to them: Dean F., Mike F., David H., Wayne S., Chuck S., Ruth M., David F., and others.