Don McMinn

Everything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud. —Hermann Hesse

Do you ever track conversations?

I do.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t, because I find most conversations are unbalanced, trivial, and forgettable.

Try it yourself. The next time you’re part of a group conversation, mentally keep track of who speaks, for how long, and the topics that are discussed.

In previous posts I have discussed the importance of listening and having a balanced conversation.

• Guidelines for a thoughtful, respectful conversation
• Value times of silence in conversations
• Seek first to understand, then to be understood

In this post let’s consider what we talk about. Consider these five categories, listed from shallow to significant.

1. Pleasantries—weather, sports, etc.

We usually start conversations with inconsequential remarks, and that’s okay; it’s a courteous and subtle way to start. But let’s not stay there long. Polite conversation should be a prelude to more important topics.

2. Physical and emotional issues

How are you feeling, physically? It’s not necessary to discuss details about your recent trip to the doctor’s office and don’t elaborate on your medications; just summarize. Also, share how you’re feeling emotionally, but don’t belabor the issue, particularly if not much has changed since the last time we talked.

3. Projects

What’s going on in your life right now? What projects are you working on? What are your plans for the near future? People who are fully engaged in life are always working on projects; they are excited about getting something accomplished.

4. Current events

What do you think about the latest events in North Korea? Isn’t it fascinating that the New Horizons satellite recently flew by Pluto? Observing current events, and developing an opinion about them, makes for interesting conversation. But don’t just regurgitate facts about events; have an informed opinion about them.

Incidentally, all current events are not equal in significance. Discussing an article from US Magazine, watching Hollywood Now, or keeping up with Kim Kardashian is not the same as discussing political ideologies or advances in science.

5. Significant thoughts

This is the sweet spot; this is where we need to land and linger. Let’s discuss interesting and challenging ideas that address important issues. Let’s consider them conceptually and then apply them personally.

For instance, these questions might prompt interesting conversation:

• What’s the most interesting book you’ve read lately, and what did you learn from it?
• What do you think about this statement made by Thomas Jefferson: “Pursue truth no matter where it may lead you”?
• Do you agree with this statement by Federico Fellini: “I want to live so that my life cannot be ruined by a single phone call.”?
• What does it mean to be diligent?
• Why was the 1913 premier of Stravinsky’s Rite of Spring so controversial? What are some current controversial issues that may someday be benign?

Most conversations never get to this deep level unless someone intentionally directs them there. It takes courage and a bit of presumption to orchestrate a conversation, but without direction most conversations drift into pablum and stay there. I double-dog dare you: next time you’re part of a lengthy conversation (15-30 minutes), introduce a significant topic and see what happens.

Interestingly, meaningful conversations are not restricted to, or guaranteed by, long-term relationships. I’ve had deeper conversations with strangers on an airplane than with some people I’ve known for decades.

I long for friends and colleagues that value deep conversations.

Summary
What? – Often, our conversations center on trivial topics. We should spend more time talking about significant issues.
So what? – Be more aware of your conversations, and when possible, steer the conversation toward meaningful topics.
Now what? – Upgrade your conversations to include the discussion of ideas.

Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable. –David Augsburger

It’s the greatest thought on communication I’ve ever heard. It will heal and deepen relationships. Master this mantra and you’ll do well in life; ignore it and you’ll frustrate yourself and others. Stephen Covey said, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

Listen first.

The “low-grade fever” of impoverished relationships is poor listening. All good communication involves dialogue—I will listen to you and I want you to listen to me. But who listens first? Choose to be the one who listens first.

People will be more inclined to listen to you once they realize you want to listen to them.

Listen with the intent to understand.

There is a difference between simply hearing (an auditory function) and really listening, which involves our intellect and emotions. Listening involves more than just being quiet. When conversing with another person, do you truly want to know what he or she is thinking and feeling? Listening begins as an attitude that is based on a genuine desire to understand what others are saying. It is a value to embrace, not an inconvenience to be tolerated.

Here are some suggestions on how to listen well:

• Some people struggle with communicating so sometimes, in our attempt to understand what someone is trying to say, we must “read between the lines,” interpret body language, and patiently try to decipher what the person is trying to say. While this seems to be an unreasonable demand (why can’t we just establish the basic rule of, “Say what you mean and mean what you say”?) it is often necessary if we truly want to seek first to understand.
• Concentrate on the speaker; do not be distracted.
• Do not interrupt, talk over, or finish the speaker’s sentences.
• Be patient. When the speaker pauses it does not necessarily mean he is finished speaking.
• While the other person is talking, resist formulating your response. At this point your job is to listen.
• When the other person has finished talking you may need to clarify what you think he said, to ensure you have understood him.

Share your thoughts in a rational way.

I will choose to listen to you first, but the conversation is not over until I have a chance to share my thoughts. My eagerness to listen to you does not diminish my desire and right, to vocalize my thoughts. I will work hard at crafting my words carefully and will communicate clearly because I want you to understand exactly what I am saying. First, I will respond to what you have just said, but then I may introduce a new topic.

The most basic of all human needs is the need to be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.

Click here to read about hinderances to listening.

[reminder]What are your thoughts about this essay?[/reminder]

I’m a huge fan of setting goals. If you aim at nothing you will always hit it.

In 2015 I wrote four posts regarding setting and accomplishing goals:

• Set and accomplish goals
• Reduce large goals to doable units of work
• Do more
• Maintain a bucket list

I maintain a robust “bucket list” of goals that I want to accomplish before I expire. These items are, of course, in addition to normal everyday activities. This year I checked off the following:

1. Join Mensa International

Mensa is the largest and oldest high IQ society in the world, open to people who score at the 98th percentile or higher on a standardized, supervised IQ or other approved intelligence test. There are around 57,000 people in the U.S. who have passed the test.
When I was in high school I took an IQ test and missed getting into Mensa by .5% and that has always bothered me…like an unfinished sentence.
So on May 16, 2015 I took the test and scored in the 99th percentile. Yeah.

2. Visit a country I’ve never been to before.

My goal is to visit 60 counties before I die. Mary and I have been to 43 and we try to add one new country every year.
On August 10-14, 2015 Mary and I went to the United Arab Emirates and enjoyed the mid-eastern culture, went to the top of the world’s tallest building, etc. We have plans to add two new countries in 2016.

3. Stand 30 minutes by myself somewhere on earth where it’s at least 130° fahrenheit.

While I was in the UAE I hired a car and driver to take me out into the desert toward Oman. Fortunately, the area was experiencing a severe heat wave. I recorded 132° on my digital thermometer.
I also want to stand for 30 minutes by myself somewhere on earth where it’s at least negative 30° fahrenheit. Perhaps this year…

4. Publish six monographs on the six soft skills I teach in the Lead Well workshop.

In September of this year I published Lifelong Learning: Why it’s more important and doable than you think
In 2016 I will publish #2 of the six: Signature Soulprint.

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. —Mark Twain

According to Oceana, a nonprofit organization, sharks kill only about four people a year worldwide and only one in the U.S.

According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, cows kill more than five times the number of people than sharks do. One research study reported an average of 22 deaths a year by bovines, typically due to stomping or goring.

Mosquitoes are the most dangerous; they kill 655,000 people each year, primarily in Africa, through the spread of malaria.

So why all the fuss over sharks?

Sometimes in life, we worry about the wrong things. Things that are large and have sharp teeth get our attention, but we’re often waylaid by less obvious assailants—we worry the most about things that endanger us the least.

For instance, we may inordinately worry about getting shot by a random shooter in a public area but ignore our daily intake of calories. We may obsess over being antiseptically clean—washing our hands often, using sterile wipes—but contaminate our minds by watching trash on TV.

Things that look menacing may not be, whereas some things that are invisible may be. We may cautiously avoid people with tattoos who drive loud motorcycles, but neglect getting a flu shot.

Sometimes, the mass media prompts us to focus on inconsequential issues. After all, they have to discuss something to fill up the required time and space, and they usually try to create a sense of emergency and concern regarding their topics, even banal ones.

Actually, I don’t see the advantage in worrying at all. Corrie ten Boom said,”worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength—carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”

But if you insist on worrying about something, at least worry about things that might truly hurt you. Forget about sharks.

[reminder]What are your thoughts about this essay?[/reminder]

Summary
What? – If you must worry, at least focus on issues that might matter.
So what? – We often worry needlessly.
Now what? – Analyze what you are concerned about and make sure it is a legitimate concern.