Don McMinn

Here’s a simple exercise that can significantly enhance your life:

1. 1. 1. Make a list of the relationships that bring you joy. When you’re around these people you are happy and uplifted. Spend more time with these people.
      2. Make a list of the relationships that drag you down. These people have a negative effect on you. Limit your time with them.
      3. Make a list of activities and experiences that bring you joy. Spend more time doing these.
      4. Make a list of activities and experiences that drain you. Spend less time doing these.

Here are my lists:

Life-giving relationships—Every member of my immediate family (I am blessed to be able to say that), every member of my staff at church (again, I am so fortunate), friends I travel with, Christopher, Michael, Dane, my dog Buddy (yes, it is a relationship), and others.

Life-draining relationship—I best not go public with this information.

Live-giving activities and experience—Spending time with my grandson Benjamin, working in my vineyard, traveling (particularly on a cruise ship), worship at Stonebriar, reading, deep conversations, museums, cooking. 

Life-draining activities and experiences—House and car repairs, pessimistic people, inordinately needy people, shallow conversations.

But what if your work requires you to be around people who drag you down or requires you to do stuff you don’t like to do? Well, every job has its pros and cons, but if your job has more cons than pros, get a different job. Seriously, life is short so don’t get in a rut and stay there (a rut has been defined as a grave with both ends extended).

I often reflect on Niebuhr’s Serenity Prayer. My favorite lines are:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

In this post I’m suggesting that there are four areas of your life that you can control, even if in a limited way. You may not be able to avoid all life-draining people and experiences, but you can increase the time you spend with life-enhancing people and experiences.

In their book, The Good Life, professors Waldinger and Schulz make an unassailable argument that to be happy in life humans need healthy, intimate relationships. I affirm that, but I would add at least one more factor: To be happy in life, humans need purpose. We need a reason to get out of bed in the morning. 

We know what purpose is so I’ll not spend time on that topic. A more difficult, puzzling topic is: Why do some people have purpose in life and some don’t? While some people have enough vision, purpose and drive for three lifetimes, many people don’t. Is it a rare gene? Why do some people constantly need a push from behind—-they need to be “motivated”—-while others bemoan not having enough hours in the day to get it all done? Are some people born with a predisposition toward purpose and motivation while others will never have it?

The older I get, the more I’m convinced that some people have it and some don’t, and the ones that don’t probably never will. It truly saddens me to come to this conclusion and I’m happy for you to push back and argue that I’m wrong.

I don’t think it’s a matter of childhood environment, training, or coaching. Two siblings, born into the same family and raised in the same environment, can be treated the same and have similar opportunities and challenges, but one finds purpose and is driven toward it and the other one doesn’t. 

Through the years I’ve tried training and coaching people relative to developing vision, but if the seed is not there, it does no good to water and cultivate the soil. But, if the seed is there, it responds well to water and cultivation.

I think purposelessness can contribute to depression, whereas being excited about the future and being engaged in meaningful planning and activity is an antidote.

I want to end this post with a hint of optimism and hope. If you don’t have purpose in life, keep searching. Stories abound of people who found purpose later in life. If it still doesn’t come, just commit to living a steady and useful life. Even if you never sense a unique purpose for your life, carry on. 

An Eastern monarch asked his wise men to invent a phrase that would apply to all times and in all situations. After careful deliberation, they offered this statement: “And this too shall pass away.”

When Abraham Lincoln heard the story, he mused: “How much it expresses. How chastening in the hour of pride; how consoling in the depths of affliction.”

When you’re going through tough times, don’t be overly discouraged because “this too shall pass away.” And when you’re going through times of prosperity, don’t be smug and proud because “this too shall pass away.” Events are seldom as catastrophic or fortunate as we think. This truth, if embraced, will give us ballast and stabilize our emotions.

In my early forties I had several career leaps that catapulted me up near the top of my profession. The rails were greased and the momentum strong. But the high times were soon tempered by the challenges of life. Good times don’t last forever.

In my late forties I became clinically depressed. I thought my life as I knew it was coming to an end. If you’ve never been depressed, it’s hard to understand the feelings of hopelessness and confusion that torment the mind. I told my wife that we needed to liquidate our belongings and go live with her mother out in the country. But that season of my life passed. With the help of medications, I climbed out of the dark abyss and resumed normal life.

Winston Churchill touched on this thought when he said, “Success is not final…failure is not fatal…it’s the courage to continue that counts.”

Life is a series of ups and downs, but the peaks and the valleys seldom last. So don’t be too discouraged by the low points nor too emboldened by the high points in life. Remind yourself and others of the transitory nature of life. Try to achieve a balanced perspective on life.

Leaders – When your organization is prospering, be grateful but not smug or arrogant. When your organization is faltering, don’t panic but take guided steps to stabilize it.

World Kindness Day is celebrated annually on November 13. On this day, participants attempt to make the world a better place by celebrating and promoting good deeds and pledging acts of kindness, either as individuals or as organizations. What a wonderful program.

My eight-year-old grandson’s school promotes and celebrates the day. When I picked him up at school, I saw this poster his class had made. 

Kindness is the foundation of civility, peace, accord, and community. It is the oil that lubricates human relationships. Without it, human alliances get rusty, mundane, tedious, and eventually break down. 

The opposite of kindness—cruelty, intentional harm, malice, animosity—are certainly detrimental, but even the mere absence of kindness—neglecting to be kind to others—can cause harm. 

The Bible includes kindness in the list of the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22). The Apostle Paul simply says, “Be kind to one another” (Ephesians 4:32).

Most acts of kindness are simple and don’t take a lot of time or money. And they’re not hard to identify; even Ben’s second-grade classmates came up with a good list. I challenge you to make your own list of at least 12 ways you could show kindness to people you will encounter today. And then do them. You and the world will be better off for it. 

Never underestimate the impact that one simple act of kindness can have. The following story is my all-time favorite illustration of the power of a kind deed.

The South African bishop, Desmond Tutu, was once asked why he became an Anglican priest. He told this story, “In the days of apartheid, when a black person and a white person met while walking on a footpath, the black person was expected to step into the gutter to allow the white person to pass and then nod his head as a gesture of respect.

“One day, when I was just a little boy, my mother and I were walking down the street when a tall, white man, dressed in a black suit, came toward us. Before my mother and I could step off the sidewalk, as was expected of us, this man stepped off the sidewalk and, as my mother and I passed, tipped his hat in a gesture of respect to her. I was more than surprised at what had happened, and I asked my mother, ‘Why did that white man do that?’ My mother explained, ‘He’s an Anglican priest. He’s a man of God, that’s why he did it.’ When she told me that he was an Anglican priest, I decided there and then that I wanted to be an Anglican priest too. And what is more, I wanted to be a man of God.”

Desmond Tutu, along with Nelson Mandela, were largely credited with the abolishment of apartheid in South Africa. Perhaps that one act of kindness he experienced as a child set the course of his entire life of service to others.

Today, and for the rest of your life, be kind.

Israel 2023  

Mary and I just returned from a terrific trip to Israel hosted by Insight for Living. I had the privilege of leading worship when we gathered at The Southern Steps, Garden Tomb, Mount of Beatitudes, Sea of Galilee, and other venues. Everyone should go to Israel at least once, and when you go, travel with Chuck Swindoll.