Don McMinn

My eight-year-old grandson Ben is becoming friends with Max—a ten-year-old boy who lives near our Lakehouse. I enjoy watching their friendship develop. 

We go to the Lakehouse about two weekends a month so their time together is spotty and limited but they have developed a healthy and solid friendship. 

One important feature of their friendship is that both boys posses and demonstrate an amazing level of emotional intelligence. Most adults don’t possess the EQ that these boys have.

For instance, recently Ben said, “Max it’s good to see you again. I wasn’t out here last weekend because I had a birthday party I had to go to.” (Thus reassuring Max that their relationship is important and durable).

I noticed that when Ben and Max play soccer, Max (who is older and larger) doesn’t kick the ball as hard as he can or make the moves he could; he scales back his play to Ben’s level so Ben doesn’t feel inferior or frustrated.

This is astonishing. How did they learn to be so emotionally attuned to each other? Who taught them the subtleties of relating to others in a healthy and nourishing way? 

I want to use their relationship to introduce a broader topic—the importance of emotional intelligence—and an even broader topic—multiple intelligences (MI). 

In 1983, Howard Gardner published a landmark book: Frames of Mind: The Theory of Multiple Intelligences in which he suggested that there are multiple ways a person can be intelligent (or unintelligent). Prior to Gardner’s book, IQ was considered the only measure of intelligence, but he suggested five other areas of competency. 

Multiple Intelligence (MI) 

• • • Abstract intelligence – symbolic reasoning, logic (IQ)
    • Practical intelligence – knowing how things work and how to get things done
    • Emotional intelligence – being aware of, and properly responding to, the emotional world
    • Aesthetic intelligence – a sense of form and design, expressed in literature, the arts, music, and other holistic experiences
    • Kinesthetic intelligence – whole-body competence such as sports, dance, or flying a fighter jet
    • Social intelligence – properly assessing, and relating to, social environments; social awareness 

The most familiar assessment, IQ, is perhaps the least accurate indicator of success in life. Most people have enough IQ to function well in life; only a few professions require extreme IQ (rocket scientist, mathematics professor).

Of those six types of intelligence, three of them (abstract, aesthetic, and kinesthetic) are basically innate—your aptitude was set at birth and there’s not a lot you can do to improve. To some extent, practical intelligence can be developed, but for sure, emotional and social intelligence can be increased through study and practice.

To be successful in life, which of the six types of intelligence are most important? Interestingly, the two areas that can be developed: emotional and social intelligence. Granted, if aspire to be a professional athlete, you need to score high on the kinesthetic scale. If you want to play in the New York Philharmonic, you better excel in aesthetic intelligence. But for most professions, high EQ and SQ are the most important. To do well in life you need to be emotionally and socially intelligent.

Isn’t that interesting: the only areas that we can improve through study and practice are also the most important.

Back to Ben and Max. I predict that, individually, they will do well in life and that they will enjoy a lifelong friendship.

Most of us are overly concerned about what people notice about us and what they think of us. For instance, we may spend an inordinate amount of time choosing what we’ll wear, convinced that most people will notice. We’re worried that we didn’t talk enough or talked too much at a business luncheon.

To some degree, this is to be expected. Because each of us is the center of our own universe, we focus on ourselves and think other people do too. Because we are so focused on our own behavior, it’s hard for us to assess how much or how little our behavior is noticed by others. Tom Gilovich, a psychologist at Cornell University, has studied this issue for years, and his research helps us think clearly about this.

In a 2000 study, Gilovich conducted an experiment in which he asked students to enter a classroom, filled with their peers, while wearing a Barry Manilow T-shirt. At the time, this was not a cool thing to do; the students were embarrassed to be seen wearing the T-shirt. After the encounter, the students estimated that 50% of their peers noticed the Manilow shirt and probably talked about it to others. But when questioned, less than 20% of their peers had noticed.

Gilovich demonstrated the same exaggerated misperceptions in other studies, such as group discussions about social issues. In one study, Gilovich reported that students also badly overestimated how well their own gaffes and clever arguments were noticed by others in discussion groups. 

The bottom line is: We’re not as interesting as we think and other people don’t notice us nearly as much as we think they do.

This fact will either disappoint you or give you peace.

If you delight in being the center of attention, if you have narcissistic tendencies, if your sense of value and self-worth come from the attention and admiration of others…you’ll be disappointed to learn that most people don’t even notice you or care what you are doing.

But this insight should actually give us peace. We don’t need to live our lives feeling like we’re constantly walking down a model’s catwalk. We can cease worrying about what people think of us because they seldom do.

Years ago I had a mustache for about 10 years. The day I shaved it off I anticipated a lot of comments. My wife and children didn’t even notice. I should have learned this lesson that day. 

I have a friend who appreciates fine cars and has the money to buy whichever car he wants. I’m happy for him. Recently, he was choosing between a Lamborghini and a Ferrari. He chose the Ferrari because it had a larger cup holder. Details are important.

Sometimes I listen to the CarPro guy on the radio. Every week he drives a different new car and then gives a review. Recently he drove an all-electric Honda SUV. In his review he basically said, “The vehicle is amazing. What irritated me was, it didn’t come with a 110-volt charging cord, just a 220-volt cord. I don’t have a 220 outlet in my garage so I had to find the nearest Honda dealership and buy one. Why didn’t they include a 110 cord?” He kept talking about the one irritating aspect of his experience with the Honda. Details are important. 

Everything that is made is a compilation of small details and they’re all important. Remember the Space Shuttle O-ring disaster? Details.

Some small details have an oversized influence on the final product. I’ve been on a quest to make the best carbonara  in the world. One important detail is to serve the dish in heated bowls, otherwise the egg and cheese begin to congeal. Details.

I’m not sure how someone develops an eye for details. Is it an innate gift or can it be developed through training? (I lean toward the latter.) 

Attention to details takes time but it’s time well spent. It produces a better product or service and helps eliminate costly mistakes. 

Charles Eames, famous American designer and architect, once said, “The details are not the details. They make the design.”

Mary and I arrived in Israel last night. For the next 11 days we’ll serve on the leadership team for Chuck Swindoll’s Insight for Living trip. What a joy and privilege. We love to travel.

In September, I’m hosting a 16-day odyssey to the British Isles. Aboard the 5-star Regal Princess ship, we’ll circumnavigate the United Kingdom, visiting England, Republic of Ireland, Northern Ireland, Scotland and also Paris. It’s limited to 40 guests; only four cabins remain.

Here’s the brochure. If interested please email me soon ([email protected]).

I’ll close with four reasons I’m a huge advocate of cruising.

Cruising is a win-win scenario

I like situations in which everyone wins. The opposite is a zero-sum situation in which someone must lose for someone else to win (ex. football, chess). Cruising is a win-win scenario between the company and the customer. When I’m on a cruise ship I often think, “How in the world are they providing this level of luxury service for the price I paid? Free meals and drinks, nightly entertainment, luxury environment, transportation to incredible places.” But the cruise company is making money or they wouldn’t be in business, and I’m a more than satisfied customer. We’re both delighted.

Cruising is the best value in traveling

Recently, I was on a 14-day cruise that ended in Rome. We stayed an extra two days in Rome. As soon we stepped off the boat we were no longer in the all-inclusive bubble that cruises offer. Our taxi from the port to the center of Rome was $140, lunch was $60, dinner was $100, our hotel costs $300 per night. The two days on land costs 1/3 of what our entire 14 day cruise cost.

Cruising is convenient

The ship transfers you from one port of call to the next—during the night—which saves time and money We went to sleep in Palma Mallorca, Spain and woke up in Toulon, France. The next morning we were in Florence, Italy. It would have taken days to travel from one country to another via ground transportation, but when cruising, the ship travels while you sleep. On the fall trip to the British Isles we’ll visit London, Portland, St. Peter Port, Cork, Belfast, Glasgow, Invergordon, Newcastle-upon-Tyne and Paris without ever having to fly or drive from one destination to another.

Another convenience is not having to move between different hotels, constantly packing and repacking. On the fall trip you’ll unpack your suitcase the first day on the ship and not bother with it again for twelve days. 

Cruising is a microcosm of how life should work

Cruise ships are the best run organizations on the planet. 

1. 1. 1. Everything is on time—if the ship is scheduled to dock at 7:10 a.m., at 7:10 a.m. you’ll feel a gentle bump when the ship contacts the pier. If dinner starts at 6:30, the doors open at 6:28 and you’re seated by 6:30.
      2. All employees are efficient and effective, work with a good attitude, and enjoy what they do. 
      3. Every aspect of the ship is well organized: meals, shops, shore excursions, communication…it runs like a Swiss watch.
      4. The ship is immaculate. Each cabin is cleaned two times a day and common areas are constantly cleaned. 
      5. Safety is prioritized. Processes are in place that keep you safe and secure. 

I hope you’ll join me in September. (BTW, currently, there are no Covid restrictions for travel.)

Don