Don McMinn

I grew up in a 1,000-sq-ft. house. We had one car (that sometimes worked). My father finished high school. Our annual one-week vacation was to my uncle’s off-the-grid cabin in Arkansas. 

My life is vastly different now, exceeding my wildest childhood expectations. While the overall standard of living in America has steadily increased, my lifestyle has outpaced it. I am surprised at and grateful for the abundance I experience. 

While there’s nothing wrong with ambition and enjoying the fruits of good planning and hard work, there’s a danger in expectation-creep. At some point in life we need to hit the brakes on striving for upward mobility and instead be deeply satisfied and grateful for our current status. If we don’t, we may be plagued by jealousy and discontent and become preoccupied in chasing an elusive, ever-moving target.

Micah 6:8 was my mother’s favorite verse and it has become one of mine: “He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God” (NIV).

Solomon, a wise man from ancient times, summarized the good life by saying, “A person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their own toil. This too, I see, is from the hand of God” (Ecclesiastes 2:24). 

These verses commend a simple but focused life, marked by contentment and gratitude.

Here’s a simple exercise that can significantly enhance your life:

1. 1. 1. Make a list of the relationships that bring you joy. When you’re around these people you are happy and uplifted. Spend more time with these people.
      2. Make a list of the relationships that drag you down. These people have a negative effect on you. Limit your time with them.
      3. Make a list of activities and experiences that bring you joy. Spend more time doing these.
      4. Make a list of activities and experiences that drain you. Spend less time doing these.

Here are my lists:

Life-giving relationships—Every member of my immediate family (I am blessed to be able to say that), every member of my staff at church (again, I am so fortunate), friends I travel with, Christopher, Michael, Dane, my dog Buddy (yes, it is a relationship), and others.

Life-draining relationship—I best not go public with this information.

Live-giving activities and experience—Spending time with my grandson Benjamin, working in my vineyard, traveling (particularly on a cruise ship), worship at Stonebriar, reading, deep conversations, museums, cooking. 

Life-draining activities and experiences—House and car repairs, pessimistic people, inordinately needy people, shallow conversations.

But what if your work requires you to be around people who drag you down or requires you to do stuff you don’t like to do? Well, every job has its pros and cons, but if your job has more cons than pros, get a different job. Seriously, life is short so don’t get in a rut and stay there (a rut has been defined as a grave with both ends extended).

I often reflect on Niebuhr’s Serenity Prayer. My favorite lines are:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

In this post I’m suggesting that there are four areas of your life that you can control, even if in a limited way. You may not be able to avoid all life-draining people and experiences, but you can increase the time you spend with life-enhancing people and experiences.

In their book, The Good Life, professors Waldinger and Schulz make an unassailable argument that to be happy in life humans need healthy, intimate relationships. I affirm that, but I would add at least one more factor: To be happy in life, humans need purpose. We need a reason to get out of bed in the morning. 

We know what purpose is so I’ll not spend time on that topic. A more difficult, puzzling topic is: Why do some people have purpose in life and some don’t? While some people have enough vision, purpose and drive for three lifetimes, many people don’t. Is it a rare gene? Why do some people constantly need a push from behind—-they need to be “motivated”—-while others bemoan not having enough hours in the day to get it all done? Are some people born with a predisposition toward purpose and motivation while others will never have it?

The older I get, the more I’m convinced that some people have it and some don’t, and the ones that don’t probably never will. It truly saddens me to come to this conclusion and I’m happy for you to push back and argue that I’m wrong.

I don’t think it’s a matter of childhood environment, training, or coaching. Two siblings, born into the same family and raised in the same environment, can be treated the same and have similar opportunities and challenges, but one finds purpose and is driven toward it and the other one doesn’t. 

Through the years I’ve tried training and coaching people relative to developing vision, but if the seed is not there, it does no good to water and cultivate the soil. But, if the seed is there, it responds well to water and cultivation.

I think purposelessness can contribute to depression, whereas being excited about the future and being engaged in meaningful planning and activity is an antidote.

I want to end this post with a hint of optimism and hope. If you don’t have purpose in life, keep searching. Stories abound of people who found purpose later in life. If it still doesn’t come, just commit to living a steady and useful life. Even if you never sense a unique purpose for your life, carry on. 

An Eastern monarch asked his wise men to invent a phrase that would apply to all times and in all situations. After careful deliberation, they offered this statement: “And this too shall pass away.”

When Abraham Lincoln heard the story, he mused: “How much it expresses. How chastening in the hour of pride; how consoling in the depths of affliction.”

When you’re going through tough times, don’t be overly discouraged because “this too shall pass away.” And when you’re going through times of prosperity, don’t be smug and proud because “this too shall pass away.” Events are seldom as catastrophic or fortunate as we think. This truth, if embraced, will give us ballast and stabilize our emotions.

In my early forties I had several career leaps that catapulted me up near the top of my profession. The rails were greased and the momentum strong. But the high times were soon tempered by the challenges of life. Good times don’t last forever.

In my late forties I became clinically depressed. I thought my life as I knew it was coming to an end. If you’ve never been depressed, it’s hard to understand the feelings of hopelessness and confusion that torment the mind. I told my wife that we needed to liquidate our belongings and go live with her mother out in the country. But that season of my life passed. With the help of medications, I climbed out of the dark abyss and resumed normal life.

Winston Churchill touched on this thought when he said, “Success is not final…failure is not fatal…it’s the courage to continue that counts.”

Life is a series of ups and downs, but the peaks and the valleys seldom last. So don’t be too discouraged by the low points nor too emboldened by the high points in life. Remind yourself and others of the transitory nature of life. Try to achieve a balanced perspective on life.

Leaders – When your organization is prospering, be grateful but not smug or arrogant. When your organization is faltering, don’t panic but take guided steps to stabilize it.