Don McMinn

I recently went to the emergency room with severe vertigo. My world was spinning. 

In the first 30 minutes of being in the ER, as expected, many staff members came and went into my room. Nurses, clerks, helpers, technicians, custodians, physicians…it was a busy place. 

Each person who entered my room greeted me, which was good. But some greetings were more appropriate than others. For instance, some greeted me with a smile and an upbeat greeting, “Hi, how ya doing?” 

I was tempted to say, “How do you think I’m doing? I’m in the ER with acute vertigo. Why are you greeting me like I just sat down at a fast-food restaurant?” 

But I sensed they were good-hearted, well-meaning people so I said something like, “It’s been a challenging day.”

The physicians were more subtle and emotionally tuned. They would greet me with “Hello, I’m Dr. ____. I’m here to help you. What’s been happening?”

The experience reminded me of the importance of carefully crafting appropriate greetings. 

Greetings are important. Whenever we come in contact with another human we need to graciously acknowledge his or her presence using carefully chosen words and appropriate body language. A proper greeting creates a friendly social space and a pleasant beginning to conversations. But in each instance, we should evaluate the social setting and the person we’re greeting, and customize an appropriate greeting.  

Phone calls can be particularly tricky because we’re not privy to where a person is or what’s happening in her life at that specific moment, whereas when we’re physically with someone (like in an ER) it’s easier to appraise what’s happening and assess their emotional state.

Recently I blew it. I called a friend who was suffering with depression and started the conversation with a cheerful, “Hey Charles, how are you doing?” I should have said, in a subdued tone, “Charles, this is Don. I’ve been thinking about you lately. I know you’re going through a difficult time.”

Verbal greetings are important; if we neglect this social norm, we’ll appear unfriendly. But don’t depend on generic, one-greeting-fits-all-situations type greetings. Take a split-second to evaluate each setting and craft a proper salutation. 

Utopia is an imagined place or state of things in which everything is perfect. The opposite of utopia is dystopia, which is an imagined state or society in which there is great suffering or injustice.

The term was coined by Sir Thomas More for his novel titled Utopia (published 1516), which described a fictional island society in the south Atlantic Ocean off the coast of South America. The term is also used to describe actual experiments in which participants have sought to achieve a superior society.

A utopian is someone who dreams of, or offers a state of utopia. In a broader sense it can mean an idealistic reformer—someone who has a vision for a better existence and is devoted to seeing it happen. Think of Martin Luther King Jr. or Lee Kuan Yew (who transformed Singapore from being a backwater island into a world-class city-states). Jeff Bezos is another example.

When Bezos started Amazon, it sold books online. Now, it rules Earth. He is always looking into the future. He told journalist Walter Isaacson, “Doing things at high speed, that’s the best defense against the future. If you are leaning away from the future, the future is going to win every time.” In 2010 Bezos sent an email to a lieutenant saying “We should build a $20 device with its brains in the cloud that’s completely controlled by your voice.” Four years later Alexa appeared. That’s utopian thinking.

I’ve read that very few people have what it takes to be a utopian. I know I don’t. But let’s think for a moment about how all of us could benefit from even a small dose of utopian thinking. We may not have the skills to sustain the role, but surely even an inkling would be advantageous. 

What would a personal utopia look like for you? Living in Colorado, or on a boat? Being independently wealthy? Being married with kids? Serving others wholeheartedly? Volunteering for a non-profit? Living near your grandkids? Being involved in the arts? 

What would a utopian society look like to you, and how could you contribute to bring it about? Basic medical services available to every human? Racial equality? Clean drinking water for all people?

Here’s where I’m going with this: Even though a true utopian society is unattainable, and few people have what it takes to be a utopian, let’s not resign ourselves to living mediocre, monochromatic, uninteresting lives. Let’s pursue at least a small dose of utopia. Let’s dream a little. 

Strive to be idealistic enough to envision a preferred state and pragmatic enough to build it.

Jonathan, my son-in-law, wants to circumnavigate the globe on a sailboat. So, when do we leave? My daughter wants to earn a degree from Oxford or Cambridge. She just signed up for an online course at Cambridge. Her toe is in the door. 

Malia Wollan wrote a terrific article, titled “How to Think Like a Utopian” (New York Times Magazine, June 15, 2021).

Question: Which line in the box on the right is the same length as the line in the box on the left? A, B, or C?

The correct answer is obvious: C.

But that’s not the answer many people chose in an experiment conducted by social psychologist Solomon Asch.

Here’s what happened.

In 1956, Asch conducted a series of experiments in which he would invite eight people to participate in a simple “perceptual” task. The participants were shown the two boxes you just looked at. Each were then asked to say aloud which line in box two matched the length of the line in box one.  

But seven of the participants were actors and only one was the “subject.” Before the experiments began, the actors were told how to respond; the subject gave his own answer. The group was seated such that the subject always responded last. 

When all seven actors unanimously chose a wrong answer (A or B), 36.8% of the time, the subject agreed with their response, even though it was obviously the wrong answer. 

The experiments revealed the degree to which a person’s own opinions are influenced by those of groups. Asch found that people were willing to ignore reality and give an incorrect answer in order to conform to the rest of the group.  

At the conclusion of the experiments, participants were asked why they had gone along with the rest of the group. In most cases, the students stated that while they knew the rest of the group was wrong, they did not want to risk facing ridicule. A few of the participants suggested that they actually believed the other members of the group were correct in their answers.

When asked his opinion regarding the study results, Asch said, “That intelligent, well-meaning, young people are willing to call white black is a matter of concern.”

This experiment exposes our vulnerability to peer pressure, groupthink, herd mentality, and tribal influence. It should prompt us to be independent thinkers and courageous conversationalists.  

 

“In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” Albert Schweitzer

Please reread what Schweitzer wrote. It is significant. 

I memorized his thought about 25 years ago. It meant a lot to me then. It means even more to me now because I’ve experienced both sides of the equation—one whose inner fire has gone out and one who helps another person whose fire has been extinguished.

There was a time when my inner fire went out. For about six months in my mid-forties, I became clinically depressed. I thought my life was over. I was bewildered and hopeless. My wife and two daughters helped me through the darkness. Antidepressants also helped.

For the past five years, I’ve helped a friend whose “inner fire” went out. Over the course of about 10 years his life slowly but inexorably ground to a stop. He became hopelessly adrift. Unemployed, bankrupt, destitute, undiagnosed mental illness, legal problems, and finally homeless. 

In my heart I made a commitment to come alongside him and help. It’s been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. At times I’ve wanted to give up, as has he.

But now his “inner spirit has been rekindled.” He still has a long way to go, but he’s on track and every day is a step in the right direction. My friend has been incredibly courageous and determined in his recovery. Few people have overcome so many major and persistent obstacles as he has.  

I think my part in assisting his comeback will be one of the finest and proudest endeavors of my life. 

At some point in your life, your inner fire will go out. Pray that someone will be there to help you.

At one or several times in your life, you’ll be compelled to help someone else whose fire has been extinguished. You can’t commit to help everyone who is needful, but you can do it once or twice in your life. 

Granted, it usually takes a “village” to help someone get out of a deep pit, but one person needs to lead the effort. One person must say, “I’m going to take hold of my friend and not let go.”