Don McMinn

I grew up in a conservative, evangelical Christian environment. From childhood we were taught that “God has just one person He has selected for you to marry. To be happy in life you must find that one person.”

Even as a child I struggled with the mathematical probability of this suggestion. “Okay,” I reasoned, “out of the three billion women on the planet I’m supposed to find that one, and only one, that is right for me? What happens if I make a mistake? Or, what happens if the person I’m supposed to marry makes a mistake and marries the wrong person; am I then doomed to accept ‘Plan B’ and a second-class marriage?”

This is nonsense. Abandon the idea that there is only one soul mate for you; the ideal partner is the one you create.

I do believe that we should seek God’s guidance in all aspects of our lives. I do believe in following biblical parameters. But I also believe that we should use common sense when making decisions and that in any given situation there are probably multiple options that will work. (In this essay I’m using marriage as the primary example of my persuasion but the same thought applies to all aspects of life. There’s not just one job that will make me happy. There’s not just one house that I can live in or only one car I can drive and still be in God’s favor.)

Relative to marriage, I believe that a fulfilling marriage is more made than mystically conceived. It is forged through deliberate and steady hard work. I’ve done enough marriage counseling to know that all marriages struggle and that the good ones have been made so through discipline and steady commitment.

I concur with J.R.R. Tolkien’s statement, “Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might have found more suitable mates.” He went on to describe spouses as “companions in shipwreck, not guiding stars.”

As I observe couples who have long-lasting marriages, and as Mary and I celebrate our 40th anniversary, I am convinced that good marriages are formed, not born.

Tolkien said, “The real soul mate is the one you are actually married to.”

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The Net and the Butterfly – The Art and Practice of Breakthrough Thinking – Olivia Cabane and Judah Pollack, 2017. The authors combine recent scientific discoveries about the brain with anecdotal stories to weave a fascinating and informative narrative about how to capture great ideas. Click here for more information from Amazon [/callout]

I often meet people who have entered their personal intellectual ice age. Permafrost has gradually anesthetized their curiosity and their pursuit of knowledge has stalled.

Of course, some people have never gotten their mental engine up and running. But others have and not sustained it.

Here are some pitfalls to avoid.

Some people reach an intellectual pinnacle but then push the pause button.

I have a friend who is a physician—a good physician—who punched the pause button on his personal development about twenty years ago. I can only imagine how sharp-witted he was when he earned the post nominal “MD,” but having achieved that notable goal, he has since coasted through life. John Maxwell calls this “destination disease”—we reach a desired point in life (graduate from college, start a successful business) but then cease growing.

Some people know a lot about one particular area and they continue to grow in that one area, but they have not expanded to other areas.

I have a friend who is an accomplished accountant. He stays current in his field, but it’s the only field he plows. He has no other interests in life, no hobbies. His curiosity has atrophied. He needs to develop the first part of Thomas Huxley’s suggestion, “Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.”

The best antidote for intellectual atrophy is to read.

• Warren Bennis said, “One of the marvelous things about life is that any gaps in your education can be filled, whatever your age or situation, by reading, and thinking about what you read.”
• Mark Twain observed, “Those who do not read have no advantage over those who cannot read.” (I would add: but those who do read are better off than those who can read but do not.)
• Twyla Tharp said, “Reading is your first line of defense against an empty head. I read for a lot of reasons, pleasure being the least of them.”
• Sam Harris says, “We read for the pleasure and benefit of thinking another person’s thoughts.”

Click here to see an essay I wrote entitled How to Learn from Reading.

In addition to reading, there are many other ways to stay fresh and vital. I wrote a monograph titled Lifelong Learning—Why it’s more important and doable than you think – and would like to give you a free digital copy. Click here to download Lifelong Learning – Don McMinn.

A commitment to lifelong learning is essential for leaders. Bennis and Nanus studied ninety top leaders from a variety of fields and they discovered that, “It is the capacity to develop and improve their skills that distinguish leaders from their followers. Successful leaders are learners.”

You don’t want your tombstone to read: Died, age 45. Buried, age 75.

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Feedback is a gift, so I want to hear what people are thinking and feeling about my organization and my leadership. I have multiple feedback mechanisms in place to make it easy for stakeholders to share with me their thoughts.

But there are some voices that I listen to more intently than I do others; not all voices have equal influence. To lead well, listen to everyone, but be selective as to who’s input you allow to shape policy and key decisions.

Apply this principle both when people give you unsolicited input and when you actively seek information.

I choose to listen to:

• Wise people. Some people are more insightful than others. Their discernment may be intuitive or it may have been developed. I have a retired IBM executive in my organization who, for most of his consulting career, analyzed organizations and helped them negotiate structural changes and personnel alignment. His training and experience has rewarded him with insight and wisdom.
• People who are deeply committed to your organization; they’ve been involved for a long time and they care about its wellbeing. We have a strong leadership team in my organization that is led by an elected president who serves a one-year term. I have created a President’s Council comprised of the past ten presidents. These men and women have demonstrated their love for our organization. They are a brain-trust of caring and committed people. I listen to what they say.
• Qualified people who can provide “fresh eyes” on your organization. These people don’t have a history with your organization so their thoughts are more objective. You can solicit voices outside your organization (consultants) or you can seek the input of people who have recently joined your organization (this window of opportunity is available for about six months; after which people become assimilated into the culture and loose their “fresh eyes”).

I don’t pay attention to:

• Simple, narrow-minded people. Many people have a very limited view of the world. They live in a small spectrum, suffer from myopia and are intellectually stagnant.
• People who have a specific agenda. Some people don’t consider the well-being of the entire organization but are focused on a minute area.
• People who are negative and oppositional. It doesn’t take much insight or effort to be the resident critic.

I recently asked my staff to list characteristics of people they choose to listen to and those they choose to ignore. Here’s the list.

I listen to people who:

• Choose their words carefully and only speak when they have something meaningful to say
• Love people and seek the good of the group
• Have earned my trust over time
• Straight-talkers
• Lead by example
• Good listeners
• Rational
• Seek advise from others
• Successful in chosen field
• Have demonstrated seasoned wisdom
• “Add up”

I don’t listen to people who:

• Are self-promoting
• Don’t follow through and finish tasks
• Make excuses
• Are close minded
• Undisciplined
• Selfish and self-centered
• Overgeneralize and are shallow
• Liars
• Demonstrate foolishness
• Judgmental and critical

Develop your own criteria and abide by it. Better yet, make a list of people whose thoughts and opinions you value. My list includes: Jonathan, Lauren, Sarah, Chuck, Charlton, Phil, Francey, Sandi, and others.

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I haven’t been everywhere, but it’s on my list. Susan Sontag

According to travel guru Rick Steves, 80 percent of Americans do not hold a passport. That’s sad, because international travel provides some of life’s greatest experiences. And, travel is more affordable and convenient than ever before.

Please join me on an historic visit to the three greatest cities in the world—London, Paris, and Rome. (As an added bonus, we’ll also visit Florence, Italy; Barcelona, Spain; Gibraltar; Toulon, France; and Lisbon, Portugal.) We’ll spend 16 wonderful days together October 18-November 2, 2018.

It’s been said that one of the joys of traveling is not only where you go but who you go with and who you meet along the way. This tour group will be limited to 40 interesting ladies and gentlemen who travel well—friends of mine who enjoy exploring great places.

In the past ten years I’ve led groups of friends on annual trips to Paris, London, the Mediterranean, Baltic States, Russia, and North Africa. We’ve never had a malfunction or bad experience; just memorable, life-enhancing moments. I think often of these international experiences:

• Picnicking on cheese and wine on a Swiss hillside

• Gaining access to a special room full of famous paintings at the Hermitage Museum in St. Petersburg, Russia

• Watching a snake charmer lure a snake out of its basket in Marrakesh, Morocco

• Sharing a meal with friends in Palermo

• Touring a spice market in New Delhi

Travel takes time and money, but it’s worth the investment. You’ll be stretched and challenged, and you’ll learn more about the world in which you live and the life you live in the world. I hope you’ll consider joining me.

Here’s more information about the trip Tale of Three Cities.

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