Don McMinn

She’s the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral.

High-maintenance people wear me out. I’ve decided that I’m not going to be a spectator or victim of their behavior. Join me in resisting demanding, overly needy, selfish people. Don’t feel obligated to tolerate their behavior or cater to their whims.

Here are some characteristics of high-maintenance people (HMP) that should cause your crap-detector to peak.

• Excessive and insatiable emotional needs. We all have legitimate emotional needs (attention, encouragement, comfort, respect, etc.) and relationships are deepened when these needs are mutually acknowledged and met. But some people are excessive in their neediness and are never satisfied. Their neediness is like a relational black hole that sucks all the light and energy out of relationships. And there’s seldom any reciprocity; they take but do not give.
• Extremely picky and hard to please. It takes them two hours to make it through the cafeteria line because they are micro-processing all the options. Their indecision adversely affects those around them.
• Negative. Instead of owning a pleasant, positive outlook on life, HMPs often reside on the dark side; their default setting is pessimism.
• Unhappy and hard to please. HMPs are rarely satisfied; there’s always a controversy brewing and something to be upset at. They nurse a low-grade fever of discontent.
• Melodramatic. We nickname them drama queens (or kings) because they are attracted to drama and if they can’t find any, they create it. They are uncomfortable with peace and calm; they gravitate to, or create, storms.
• Unorganized. Often, they live disordered lives and expect us to compensate. They expect their lack of planning to be our emergency.
• Hold grudges and keep picking the scab off old wounds. HMPs have difficulty in letting things go; they coddle hurt feelings and offenses; they would rather keep old wounds and misunderstanding alive than simply forgive.
• Self-centered and self-absorbed. With apologies to Copernicus, they think they are the center of the galaxy. They act as if the world revolves around them.
• Lack of self-awareness. All these characteristics are exacerbated by the fact that HMPs are clueless about their annoying behaviors. They either don’t own a mirror or never take the time to look at themselves.

Now, put down your digital device, go look at yourself in the mirror and ask, “Am I high-maintenance?” Or better still, ask those who know you best, “Am I high-maintenance?” If you are, stop it.

Secondly, identify people in your life who are high-maintenance and decide how you’re going to deal with them. Tough-love may be the answer. For sure, as long as you allow them to be high-maintenance, they will be.

Occasionally, everyone benefits from a well-thought-out, intentional thump on the nose.

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The average US adult weighs about 25 pounds more today than a few decades ago. That’s like hanging three plastic gallon jugs full of milk around your neck. That can’t be a good thing.

Everyone should read this article by Mandy Oaklander, published in Time Magazine: Seven Surprising Benefits of Exercise

Instead of beating us over the head (“exercise, you slob”) she presents the happy news that the “no pain no gain” approach to exercise is a myth. Any activity—unloading the dishwasher, mowing the lawn, walking the dog—is beneficial. Just start moving.

The article also reminds us of the multiple benefits of exercise: better cognition, improved mental health, longer life, better overall health—there’s really no downside.

Here’s an article I read several years ago that changed my exercise routine.

It illustrates 14 exercises that use your body weight (no equipment required) and the entire regimen only takes seven minutes (though I have expanded the number of exercises and doubled the time for each, so the workout takes me 30 minutes). Three times a week I combine this routine with 30 minutes on the elliptical machine for a stout one-hour workout.

Though exercise is a deterrent to weight gain, the fastest way to lose weight is to eat less. The best advice I’ve read recently about controlling our consumption of calories is to limit portion sizes.

In his terrific book, What Intelligence Tests Miss, Keith Stanovich writes, “Despite French people eating a higher-fat diet than Americans, the obesity rate in France is only 7.4 percent compared with 22.3 percent in the United States. Rozin and colleagues posited that one reason that Americans are heavier despite eating less fat was because they were routinely exposed to larger portion sizes. For example, portion sizes were 28 percent larger in McDonald’s restaurants in the United States than in France. Portion sizes at Pizza Huts in the United States were 42 percent larger. Across eleven comparisons, the United States portion size was 25 percent larger than in France. Rozin and colleagues have studied the so-called unit bias: that people will tend to eat one portion of something, regardless of the size of that portion, or will tend to eat a unit of something regardless of the size of that unit. [pages 207-208]

I like the strategy of eating smaller portions because it doesn’t restrict what we should eat, just how much. (I like my pizza and hamburgers.)

Exercise more and eat less.

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I love this video. It’s fun to watch and illustrates a potent truth: small, repetitious actions (I call them habits) can accumulate and create major outcomes.

Habits can be our friend or foe. Good habits help us perform beneficial tasks regularly and efficiently. Bad habits keep us ingrained in undesirable behaviors.

So take an audit of your behaviors and make some changes. I suggest:

List all of your habits, placing them into one of two categories: good or bad.

Good habits might include: personal hygiene, exercise, weekly lunch with friends, reading, writing notes of appreciation, prioritize nightly dinners with family, take stand-up breaks at work every two hours, eat smaller portions, only check email three times a day, regular times of reflection.

Bad habits might include: eating too much, talking too much, not listening, worrying, being pessimistic, being tardy, procrastination.

Many of us will be surprised at how few good habits we have.

When attempting to change your habits, start small and go slow.

Don’t try to overhaul a lifetime of bad habits or instigate a barrage of good ones—in one week. Start small and go slow: work on starting one good habit and canceling one bad habit over the next several months.

Attach your new, good habit to an existing good habit.

The probability of your new habit finding purchase will increase if you do it before or after an existing habit. Build one upon the other. For instance, after you brush and floss your teeth each evening, spend two minutes memorizing important thoughts.

Share your aspirations with a friend and ask her to hold you accountable.

Your success rate will increase if you go public with your intent and ask someone to hold you accountable.

My response to this post

Good habit – Every night before I go to bed I watch an episode of a TV series on my iPad. It helps me relax. I’m currently watching Blue Bloods, a CBS series about a multi-generational family of cops in New York City. My new habit is: before I access the Netflix app. I will open up the Evernote app, where I keep a list of things I’m learning and memorizing, and spend 15 minutes studying.

Bad habit – Sometimes I repeat myself in conversations. I’ll say something and then seconds later, say it again. That’s unnecessary and probably irritating to those I’m talking to. (Those of you with whom I have conversations, hold me accountable.)

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I want to live so that my life cannot be ruined by a single phone call. Federico Fellini

I avoid using clichés, but here’s one that expresses exactly what I want to say: Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

Don’t place all your resources in one (or a few) person, thing, or place, or you could lose a lot with one bad turn of events.

Minimize exposure by spreading out your assets.

Diversify in many areas of life:

Relationships

If you are overly dependent on one person and that person exits your life you may feel out of kilter. But multiple close relationships will ameliorate single losses.

Don’t expect any one person to meet all your needs. Have many friends. Don’t let one person control your sense of well-being. Don’t be co-dependent.

Financial resources

Don’t put all your financial resources into one instrument. Mary and I keep about 45% of our financial assets in the stock market (several different index funds), 35% in real estate (our home), and 20% in bonds, CDs, and cash.

Sources of engagement

Peter Drucker encouraged people to “live in more than one world.” He was a professor, management consultant, writer, expert in Japanese art, and more. It is an invigorating approach to life; it will make you a more interesting person—and if one area of your life falls apart you’ll have other areas to focus on.

Sources of income

Two-income families benefit from income diversity. I also recommend that individuals have multiple income streams. Find a hobby or develop a skill that you can monetize, or get a second job.

Compartmentalize

We set ourselves up for disappointment when we allow the various parts of our lives to “bleed over” into each other such that when one area is stressed, our entire system is strained. To a certain degree, this is to be expected because most areas of our lives do overlap and intertwine.

But it’s advantageous to compartmentalize your life such that one area will not inordinately affect all areas. For instance, if your entire life centers around your job and your job goes south, so does your life. But if your job is just one part of a multi-faceted life, you’ll not be unduly affected; you can be unhappy at work but overall happy in life.

Diversify and compartmentalize.

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