Don McMinn

In his helpful book, The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg introduces the concept of keystone habits.

“Some habits have the power to start a chain reaction as they move through an organization. Some habits, in other words, matter more than others. Keystone habits say that success doesn’t depend on getting every single thing right, but instead relies on identifying a few key priorities and fashioning them into powerful levers.” (Random House, 2012, pgs. 100-101)

A keystone is the wedge-shaped stone piece at the apex of a masonry vault or arch which is the final piece placed during construction. It locks all the stones into position, allowing the arch to bear weight. Although a masonry arch or vault cannot be self-supporting until the keystone is placed, the keystone experiences the least stress of any of the stones due to its position at the apex.

According to Duhigg, strategic keystone habits can serve the same important function in our personal lives and in organizations – they hold together other critical elements. They may be simple but they are important and influential. One or a few keystone habits can make the difference between success and failure in our lives and organizations. 

For example, I lead a non-profit organization that depends on volunteers to fulfill its mission. We adopted a keystone habit – Participate or Communicate – that helps hold the organization together and keeps us focused on our mission. We simply ask each volunteer to show up for his weekly assignment (participate) or let us know ahead of time that he won’t (communicate). Knowing that people don’t do what you expect but what you inspect, we follow-up on those who don’t P or C. It’s a simple system that works wonders.

Keystone habits will also enhance our personal lives. One of my personal keystone habits is memorization. Every week I compile a set of information that I memorize. It keeps my mind sharp and allows me to meditate on significant thoughts.

In 18th century French architecture, the reception area and meeting rooms in hotels, mansions, commercial, and governmental buildings were on the second floor, accessible by a grand staircase. Important conversations, negotiations, and treaties were held on the second floor. After leaving a meeting, one would walk down the stairs to exit the building.

Denis Diderot, a French philosopher from the 18th century, coined a phrase—L’esprit de l’escalier—that describes a feeling we’ve all had. Esprit means mind, thoughts, spirit. Escalier means stairs. The phrase describes the feeling of having left a conversation or negotiation and suddenly realizing that you did not respond or negotiate well. You wish you could return to the conversation or meeting but you cannot; you’re at the bottom of the stairs and you can’t turn back. It is a blend of regret, doubt, second thoughts, and wanting to relive the moment.

• • • You’ve accepted a new job, but later realize that you could have negotiated a better package.
    • You had a confrontation with an intimidating person during which you couldn’t think of the right thing to say, but now you know what you should have said. 
    • You have now thought of the perfect comeback for an argument you had, but it’s too late.
    • An important issue was discussed at work. The next day you realize that you were not prepared for the discussion and so neglected to offer your thoughts. 

I’ve had the feeling often. Years ago I walked into a jewelry store to sell my Rolex. The owner asked me, “How much do you want for the watch?” I gave him a price. He smiled and said, “Okay.” I had that sinking feeling that I had asked too little.

Lessons to learn:

1. 1. Don’t make hasty decisions, particularly when you’re flustered, caught off guard, or unsure of the best choice. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I need more time to think about this.” Mature thoughts are usually better than impetuous ones.
   2. When negotiating, don’t speak first. Instead, insist that the other party start.
   3. Negotiate every agreement.  
   4. Before a conversation or negotiation is finalized, imagine walking down an imaginary staircase realizing you no longer have the opportunity to speak. Would you be satisfied?

Remembering the “spirit of the staircase” will help us be more careful and will lead to better decisions.

Benjamin, my seven-year-old grandson, and I memorize poetry together. Last week we memorized two stanzas of Ella Wilcox’s poem, “One Ship Sails East”. Benjamin’s father, Jonathan, is teaching him how to sail, so throughout his life the nautical themes of this poem will be reinforced. 

One ship sails East,
And another West,
By the self-same winds that blow,
’Tis the set of the sails
And not the gales,
That tells the way we go.

Like the winds of the sea
Are the waves of time,
As we journey along through life,
’Tis the set of the soul,
That determines the goal,
And not the calm or the strife.

Here are some lessons I want Benjamin to learn from this poem.

1. 1. 1. Life is unpredictable. Just as a sailor cannot predict which way the wind will blow, we can’t predict what each day will bring.
      2. You can’t control the wind, so don’t fight it. It is futile to try to change things we have no control over. For instance, we had no choice as to our family of origin. Accept the unchangeable. 
      3. You do have a choice as to how you respond to life’s twists and turns. Just as a sailor can use the same wind to go in four different directions, we can respond to life in various ways. Take responsibility for what you can do.
      4. Choose your direction; set goals; don’t just drift through life letting the “winds and waves” take you to random places.
      5. In life, sometimes, there is no “wind” so don’t be put off by periods of repose. Know when to aggressively pursue and when to accept stillness.
      6. Basic life skills are indispensable. (Continuing the nautical metaphor, a good sailor has mastered good sailing skills, then uses them in all types of weather and situations.)

Choose your path and navigate through whatever type of weather comes your way.

Here’s an interesting and encouraging article published by Lifehacker, an online information site – Eleven Things We (Mostly) Don’t Need To Worry About Anymore.

We hear lot’s of discouraging news these days. The article lists 11 things in our society that are much better than before. Read and enjoy.

Writer Sarah Lyall tells of a man’s outburst in a supermarket when he couldn’t get a certain type of cheese—a blue cheese called Cambozola. The man was obnoxious and belligerent. A store employee observed, “I don’t think this is about the cheese.”

We’re all guilty of this unfair, unproductive, immature, hurtful, and wrong behavior. We’re angry about X but we express our anger in settings that are unrelated to X. We’re frustrated at work and when we get home we yell at our spouse. We’re frustrated at home and take it out on our coworkers. We’re angry about something but we give grief to the deli worker at the grocery store.

In these cases, it’s not about the cheese. It’s about unresolved and misplaced anger.

Sometimes anger resolves itself. If I’m upset at a minor issue—the lawn mower won’t start—in time the anger will dissipate. But if the anger is deep seated, we need to talk it out with a counselor or a friend who listens well. 

If we’re angry because we think someone has done us wrong, we should properly express our anger to the person or persons we think offended us. In a controlled manner, share your perspective and be open to hear “the other side of the story.” Approach these conversations carefully because your anger may be unjustified or overblown.   

Or, we can simply choose to drop it. 

If we do take out our frustration on an innocent bystander, we need to apologize. Do that often enough and it will help change your behavior. 

One of the hardest things to do in life—requiring extreme self-awareness and self-control—is to sense when you’re about to take your frustration out on the innocent, and not do so. Better yet, we can even anticipate acting badly and make a decision to preempt bad behavior. For instance, having had a bad day at work, while driving home I should make a note-to-self—“I’ve had a hard day.”—and remind myself to not take it out on my family.

I love that phrase—It’s not about the cheese. I’m going to suggest to my family that we use it with one another as a verbal cue when we think one of us is venting on an innocent bystander.