Don McMinn

In 18th century French architecture, the reception area and meeting rooms in hotels, mansions, commercial, and governmental buildings were on the second floor, accessible by a grand staircase. Important conversations, negotiations, and treaties were held on the second floor. After leaving a meeting, one would walk down the stairs to exit the building.

Denis Diderot, a French philosopher from the 18th century, coined a phrase—L’esprit de l’escalier—that describes a feeling we’ve all had. Esprit means mind, thoughts, spirit. Escalier means stairs. The phrase describes the feeling of having left a conversation or negotiation and suddenly realizing that you did not respond or negotiate well. You wish you could return to the conversation or meeting but you cannot; you’re at the bottom of the stairs and you can’t turn back. It is a blend of regret, doubt, second thoughts, and wanting to relive the moment.

• • • You’ve accepted a new job, but later realize that you could have negotiated a better package.
    • You had a confrontation with an intimidating person during which you couldn’t think of the right thing to say, but now you know what you should have said. 
    • You have now thought of the perfect comeback for an argument you had, but it’s too late.
    • An important issue was discussed at work. The next day you realize that you were not prepared for the discussion and so neglected to offer your thoughts. 

I’ve had the feeling often. Years ago I walked into a jewelry store to sell my Rolex. The owner asked me, “How much do you want for the watch?” I gave him a price. He smiled and said, “Okay.” I had that sinking feeling that I had asked too little.

Lessons to learn:

1. 1. Don’t make hasty decisions, particularly when you’re flustered, caught off guard, or unsure of the best choice. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I need more time to think about this.” Mature thoughts are usually better than impetuous ones.
   2. When negotiating, don’t speak first. Instead, insist that the other party start.
   3. Negotiate every agreement.  
   4. Before a conversation or negotiation is finalized, imagine walking down an imaginary staircase realizing you no longer have the opportunity to speak. Would you be satisfied?

Remembering the “spirit of the staircase” will help us be more careful and will lead to better decisions.

Benjamin, my seven-year-old grandson, and I memorize poetry together. Last week we memorized two stanzas of Ella Wilcox’s poem, “One Ship Sails East”. Benjamin’s father, Jonathan, is teaching him how to sail, so throughout his life the nautical themes of this poem will be reinforced. 

One ship sails East,
And another West,
By the self-same winds that blow,
’Tis the set of the sails
And not the gales,
That tells the way we go.

Like the winds of the sea
Are the waves of time,
As we journey along through life,
’Tis the set of the soul,
That determines the goal,
And not the calm or the strife.

Here are some lessons I want Benjamin to learn from this poem.

1. 1. 1. Life is unpredictable. Just as a sailor cannot predict which way the wind will blow, we can’t predict what each day will bring.
      2. You can’t control the wind, so don’t fight it. It is futile to try to change things we have no control over. For instance, we had no choice as to our family of origin. Accept the unchangeable. 
      3. You do have a choice as to how you respond to life’s twists and turns. Just as a sailor can use the same wind to go in four different directions, we can respond to life in various ways. Take responsibility for what you can do.
      4. Choose your direction; set goals; don’t just drift through life letting the “winds and waves” take you to random places.
      5. In life, sometimes, there is no “wind” so don’t be put off by periods of repose. Know when to aggressively pursue and when to accept stillness.
      6. Basic life skills are indispensable. (Continuing the nautical metaphor, a good sailor has mastered good sailing skills, then uses them in all types of weather and situations.)

Choose your path and navigate through whatever type of weather comes your way.

Here’s an interesting and encouraging article published by Lifehacker, an online information site – Eleven Things We (Mostly) Don’t Need To Worry About Anymore.

We hear lot’s of discouraging news these days. The article lists 11 things in our society that are much better than before. Read and enjoy.

Writer Sarah Lyall tells of a man’s outburst in a supermarket when he couldn’t get a certain type of cheese—a blue cheese called Cambozola. The man was obnoxious and belligerent. A store employee observed, “I don’t think this is about the cheese.”

We’re all guilty of this unfair, unproductive, immature, hurtful, and wrong behavior. We’re angry about X but we express our anger in settings that are unrelated to X. We’re frustrated at work and when we get home we yell at our spouse. We’re frustrated at home and take it out on our coworkers. We’re angry about something but we give grief to the deli worker at the grocery store.

In these cases, it’s not about the cheese. It’s about unresolved and misplaced anger.

Sometimes anger resolves itself. If I’m upset at a minor issue—the lawn mower won’t start—in time the anger will dissipate. But if the anger is deep seated, we need to talk it out with a counselor or a friend who listens well. 

If we’re angry because we think someone has done us wrong, we should properly express our anger to the person or persons we think offended us. In a controlled manner, share your perspective and be open to hear “the other side of the story.” Approach these conversations carefully because your anger may be unjustified or overblown.   

Or, we can simply choose to drop it. 

If we do take out our frustration on an innocent bystander, we need to apologize. Do that often enough and it will help change your behavior. 

One of the hardest things to do in life—requiring extreme self-awareness and self-control—is to sense when you’re about to take your frustration out on the innocent, and not do so. Better yet, we can even anticipate acting badly and make a decision to preempt bad behavior. For instance, having had a bad day at work, while driving home I should make a note-to-self—“I’ve had a hard day.”—and remind myself to not take it out on my family.

I love that phrase—It’s not about the cheese. I’m going to suggest to my family that we use it with one another as a verbal cue when we think one of us is venting on an innocent bystander.

Great teams are led by people confident enough to recruit people better than themselves.—Warren Bennis

A favorite toy among Russian children, the matryoshka doll is a series of wooden dolls that nest inside each other and get progressively smaller and smaller. Open up the largest doll and you’ll find a smaller, identical doll. Open up that doll and there is yet a smaller one. There may be as many as 15 dolls inside the largest one.

The matryoshka doll can teach us some important lessons on how good leaders build a great team and how insecure or uninformed leaders can inhibit the growth and health of their organization by choosing weak team members.

Recruit people who are “bigger” than you are.

If the person at the top of the organization intentionally hires someone who is “smaller” (less qualified with less potential), and that person recruits someone who is “smaller” and this selection criterion continues to cascade down through the entire organization, eventually it will produce a weak, dumbed-down organization.

Recruit people who are “different” than you are.

Except for their size, all of the dolls inside a matryoshka doll are identical. If a leader only recruits people who are similar to himself—same personality, gifts, age range, perspective—his team will not benefit from the critical element of diversity.

Choosing quality team members is the leaders most important job.

For a leader, important decisions fall into two categories: strategy and people. I think the people decisions are the most important because if you get the right people on your team, they will help you set the right strategy.

When I was a kid, we often played an impromptu game of softball or basketball after school. Everyone who wanted to play gathered, two captains were chosen, a coin toss determined which captain chose first, and then teammates were selected one at a time. The captain who chose the best players, won. Sometimes a captain would choose a less-skilled player early in the selection process so as not to hurt the person’s feelings (no one wanted to be chosen last). While that might have been the kind thing to do, it wasn’t the smart thing to do if you wanted to win.

Leaders, choose the best and the brightest to serve on your team and your organization will prosper.

This suggestion is not for the insecure and paranoid; it takes a lot of emotional fortitude and self-confidence to recruit and empower people who are smarter, more competent, edgier, and more connected than you. But if you don’t, you and your organization will suffer from the diminishing-expertise syndrome.

You may wonder, “Won’t that make me look bad?” No, it will make you look like a competent leader. Remember, leaders get work done through other people. Also, surrounding yourself with top-flight people will motivate you to continue to grow and become better yourself.

In her book Team of Rivals, Doris Goodwin reminds us that when Abraham Lincoln was elected president and began compiling his cabinet, he not only chose strong and competent men, he actually chose men who had run against him in the primaries, men who had hoped to have his job—essentially, he chose a cabinet of opponents. Lincoln reasoned, “I have looked the party over and concluded that these men were the very strongest men. I had no right to deprive the country of their services.”

Surround yourself with great people.