Don McMinn

Ron Goss is an author and celebrated professor at Columbia University. He also cofounded an organization called Conversations New York (CNY) which organizes free group conversations among strangers. In a typical meeting, 40-80 people will commit to an evening of protracted conversation with people they’ve never met. There’s diversity among the group—different ages, genders, races, ethnicities, personalities, and political persuasions. The large group is randomly divided into groups of five or six people, topics are suggested, and people talk for hours.

Goss also teaches people how to have productive conversations. One technique he teaches is triple consciousness in conversations. He describes it like this, “What I want is for people to begin to learn that to be in a conversation they need to maintain a kind of double consciousness, even a triple consciousness. The consciousness of what the conversation is, the consciousness of what they want to say, and then the kind of meta-consciousness of Am I contributing to the process of this conversation in a good way? Or am I being overbearing? Am I being irrelevant? Am I talking too much or not enough?

We’ve all been in conversations in which someone has absolutely no clue that he is sullying the conversation. He’s talking too much, stays too long on an unimportant topic, gets into too much detail, emotionally dominates and even intimidates, makes it difficult for others to speak, is unaware of how his comments are affecting others, talks exclusively about himself, is undiscerning as to what topics are appropriate for the moment.  

Being a good conversationalist requires that we constantly monitor our conversations. In the midst of a conversation, think about the structure of the conversation; “track” conversations in real time. What is the topic? Is it trivial or important? Is one person speaking too much? Have we talked too long about a single subject? Is it time to change the topic? Am I contributing to or messing up the conversation?

When you’re skilled at tracking conversations, you can then help steer them in a good direction.  If you sense that one person is dominating the conversation, you can ask someone else, “What do you think about this topic?” If you sense that a conversation has gone on too long about one particular topic, change the topic. If you realize that your contribution to the conversation is unproductive, change accordingly. Don’t be manipulative for self-serving reasons, just shape conversations for everyone’s benefit.

 

The mother asked, “Where have you been?” Her little girl replied, “On my way home I met a friend who was crying because she had broken her doll.”
“Oh,” said her mother, “then you stopped to help her fix the doll?”
“No,” replied the little girl, “I stopped to help her cry.”

This story illumines the best way to respond to someone who is hurting: offer comfort.

Hurt and pain are inevitable. It’s not a matter of if we’re going to be hurt, but rather when and how we will deal with the pain.

Pain takes many forms. It can be physical (a sprained ankle), social (exclusion from a group), or emotional (embarrassment, disappointment). Some hurts may be perceived as relatively minor—“I was embarrassed at lunch today when I spilled ketchup on my shirt.” Others are major—“My father abandoned me.”

There’s only one antidote for hurt—comfort.

Here are some practical suggestions on how to comfort other people.

Learn to sense when someone is hurting and be willing and available to help her.

We’re often unaware when people are hurting. Sometimes circumstances will give us a clue (physical illness, death of a loved one, divorce or separation, loss of a job), but often it’s not so apparent. So be discerning and learn to recognize when people need comforting

When you do sense that someone is hurting, are you willing to slow down and take the time to minister comfort or do you choose not to “go there”? You must be discerning, willing, and available.

When someone is hurting, if possible, enter her physical world.

While it is possible to comfort someone over the phone or in an email, it’s best done in person and preferably in the hurting person’s space. If your friend is hurting, instead of suggesting, “Susan, it sounds like we need to talk. Can you drop by my office this afternoon?” it’s better to offer, “Susan, it sounds like we need to talk. Can I come by your office this afternoon?”

Enter her mental and emotional world.

Humans live in at least three “worlds” simultaneously: physical, mental, and emotional. While it’s easy to determine where someone is physically, it’s more difficult to determine where she is mentally and emotionally. But to comfort effectively it helps to understand what a person is thinking and feeling. Often, just asking directly – “How are you feeling? What are you thinking?” – is sufficient. At other times it takes more effort, particularly if the person is guarded and reluctant to share.

Listen.

A good comforter must be a good listener. Let the one who is hurting do most of the talking; if you talk too much you’ll inevitably engage in unproductive responses.

When someone needs comfort, avoid these unproductive responses.

• • • Advice/instruction – “Let me give you some steps of action to solve the problem.” Or, “Maybe next time that happens you should…”
    • Logic/reasoning – “Let me analyze the situation and tell you why it happened.” Or, “I think the reason this happened was because…”
    • Pep talk – “You’re a winner! You’ll make it through these tough times!” Or, “I’m sure tomorrow will be a better day.”
    • Minimize – “Sure it hurts, but get it in perspective, there’s a lot going on that’s good.” Or, “Aren’t you being overly sensitive?”
    • Anger – “That makes me so mad! They shouldn’t get away with that!” Or, “I’m so upset that you keep getting yourself hurt.”
    • Martyr’s complex – “I had something similar happen to me.” Or, “After the kind of day I had, let me tell you what hurt really feels like.”
    • Personal fear/anxiety – “I’m afraid that what has happened to you is going to affect my life too.”
    • Silence/neglect – Not saying anything.
    • Fix it – “I can’t believe that salesman talked to you like that. I’m calling the store right now and talking to his boss.” Or, “Sorry you had a flat tire on that lonely road. Tomorrow I’ll get a set of new tires.”
    • Spiritualize – “Well, you know that God will work all of this out for your good.”

While some of these responses may be appropriate to share after the hurting person has been comforted, they don’t work as the initial response.

Learn the “vocabulary of comfort.”

Often, we don’t know what to say to someone who is hurting because we’ve never developed an appropriate vocabulary. We don’t need to say a lot, a few choice sentences are sufficient. Here are some suggestions.

• • • I’m so sorry that you are hurting.
    • It saddens me that you’re hurting. I love you and care for you.
    • I’m committed to help you through this difficult time.
    • It saddens me that you felt _________ (embarrassed, rejected, belittled). I know that must have hurt.
    • I know that you’re hurting. I just wanted to come be with you.

When speaking words of comfort, it’s also important that our tone of voice complement what is being said. Our speech should be warm, sincere and gentle.

Use appropriate non-verbal gestures.

A warm embrace or gentle touch can express comfort. Tears shed for someone else can convey love beyond words.

Pastor Jess Moody said this about comfort: “Have you ever taken a real trip down inside the broken heart of a friend? To feel the sob of the soul – the raw, red crucible of emotional agony? To have this become almost as much yours as that of your soul-crushed neighbor? Then, to sit down with him – and silently weep? This is the beginning of compassion.”

We continually come in contact with people who are hurting. Let’s minister grace and healing to them through the simple but effective gift of comfort.

In Joe Keohane’s book The Power of Strangers, he makes a compelling argument for talking to strangers. All 306 pages are worth reading, but the essence of the book is summed up in its title. Keohane writes:

“Talking to strangers makes us happier, healthier, and a little smarter, and helps us feel like we belong in a world that can be chaotic and alienating. Listening to strangers can have a powerful effect on us, and on them, alleviating loneliness, enhancing belonging, and paving the way for understanding. Talking to strangers is far easier than we think, other people are more receptive to it than we might expect, and that when we talk to them, we are often pleasantly surprised.” 

I’m the quintessential introvert, so I usually avoid talking to strangers. It’s not that I’m nervous about it or lack the skills to do so, I just enjoy thinking my own thoughts and reading the thoughts of people I respect. But having read Keohane’s book, I’m going to change. I’m going to proactively talk to strangers. I can learn something from every person. I can help mitigate feelings of loneliness—something we all struggle with. I’m going to ask open-ended questions that prompt deeper conversations.

It’s wise to teach our children—stranger danger—but as adults, we can loosen our approach and be more engaging. This week, start a conversation with a stranger. Then respond to this post and tell us what happened.

Greek Isles Cruise – only one cabin is available

In three months a group of travelers and I will be visiting some of the great cities of the world: Rome, Athens, Ephesus, Istanbul, Naples; and some of the most beautiful geography on planet Earth: Santorini, Mykonos, Sicily.

There’s room for two more people.

Here’s a brochure with all the details.  Travel with Friends – 2022-Brochure

Questions? Email me at [email protected]

 

A man without a smiling face must not open a shop. —Chinese proverb

Dale Carnegie’s terrific book, How to Win Friends and Influence People is a must-read. Though written 90 years ago (1926), it is so rooted in basic human psychology, it still speaks to our modern age.

He taught seminars based on the book to large audiences in New York City.

Carnegie devoted an entire chapter— A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression— to the topic of smiling. When he taught this chapter at his seminars, he gave his students a simple assignment: Smile at someone every hour of the day for the next week and then come back to class and talk about the results. The positive results of this simple exercise were profound. His students learned that a smile is one of the most potent people skills and that it can dramatically improve human relationships.

Richard Wiseman, in his book Quirkology: How We Discover the Big Truths in Small Things, said, “People smile when they feel happy. However, evidence suggests that the mechanism works in reverse; that is, people feel happy simply because they have smiled.” He refers to a 1988 research project conducted by Fritz Strack in which participants in one group were asked to hold a pencil between their teeth, but to ensure that it did not touch their lips which forced the lower part of their faces into a smile. Another group was asked to support the end of the pencil with just their lips, not their teeth, which forced their faces into a frown. The results revealed that people actually experience the emotion associated with their expressions. Those who had their faces forced into a smile felt happier (page 205).

Carnegie concluded his chapter on the power of a smile with these words:

The Value of a Smile

• • • It costs nothing, but creates much.
    • It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give.
    • It happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.
    • None are so rich they can get along without it, and none so poor but are richer for its benefits.
    • It creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in a business, and is the countersign of friends.
    • It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and Nature’s best antidote for trouble.
    • Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody till it is given away.

It’s helpful to consider the difference between our resting face and our engaged face.

Resting face – the way your face looks when you are at ease, with facial muscles relaxed. 

Engaged face – the way your face looks when you are consciously manipulating your face to appear more engaged, approachable, and friendly. I’ve also heard this called a “yes face.”

To display an engaged face, raise the eyebrows, open up the eyes, smile, and raise the forehead. To exhibit a resting face, do nothing. 

Let’s accept the same assignment Dale Carnegie challenged his students with: Put on you engaged face and smile at someone every hour of the day for the next week and then come back to class and talk about the results. Or, in our case, respond to this blog post.

Greek Isles Cruise – only one cabin is available

In three months a group of travelers and I will be visiting some of the great cities of the world: Rome, Athens, Ephesus, Istanbul, Naples; and some of the most beautiful geography on planet Earth: Santorini, Mykonos, Sicily.

There’s room for two more people.

Here’s a brochure with all the details.  Travel with Friends – 2022-Brochure

Questions? Email me at [email protected]