Don McMinn

Thirty-six times in the New Testament we see a recurring word pattern—an action verb followed by the words one another. In English grammar this phrase is called a reciprocal pronoun—I am to act a certain way toward you and you should act the same way toward me. For instance, we’re told to encourage one another, accept one another, comfort one another, honor one another (and 32 other phrases).

In the book I wrote on these actions (Love One Another: 20 Practical Lessons) I suggested that all of us should give all the one anothers to all people at all times. In short, give all to all.

• These phrases are commands for us to obey; we can’t opt out and choose not to participate.
• I shouldn’t pick and choose which of the one anothers I’ll give (for instance: I’ll encourage people but not accept them).
• I shouldn’t show favoritism as to whom I give them to (for instance: I’ll encourage some people but not others).
• I should willingly dispense these acts of grace all the time (for instance, I shouldn’t have the attitude: “I’ll give these when I’m feeling good but not when I’m upset.” 

But there is one exception to the “give all to all” guideline; there is one “one another” that can be sparingly dispensed: “Be devoted to one another” (Romans 12:10).

The Greek word for “devotion” is philostorgos, which means “to cherish one’s kindred, to be fond of, to be fraternal toward others, tenderly loving, and tenderly affectionate.” Devotion implies a deep level of commitment. It is, perhaps, the only One Another that we can ration out.

Through the years, I have developed a deep sense of devotion to certain individuals, but not to everyone. My highest devotion is to my wife, children, and grandchildren. Even among my friends, I am more devoted to some than others. 

Jesus did the same. He had a small group of people he was deeply devoted to: his twelve disciples. Among the twelve, there were three men in whom he confided the most: Peter, James, and John. Some would even suggest he was closest to John. He didn’t love these three men more than the others, but he did spend more time with them, allowing them to know him in ways the others didn’t. They were invited to be with Christ on the Mount of Transfiguration, perhaps the highlight of his earthly ministry, and in the Garden of Gethsemane, arguably the lowest point in his life. Jesus didn’t have favorites, but he did have intimates. He loved the world, taught thousands, but was devoted to a few.

Likewise, it’s okay for us to be selective as to whom we’re devoted to. On a practical level, it would be impossible for us to express devotion to the hundreds of people we’re acquainted with. A sense of devotion can be reserved for a few. 

I am devoted to my family. I’ve jokingly told my wife, “If you ever leave me, I’m going with you.” I’m devoted to my  two daughters; through life’s ups and downs, I’ll be their faithful father. I’m devoted to my son-in-law and his daughter. Five years ago, my grandson entered my scope of devotion. As a leader, I’m devoted to members of my team. I have hundreds of good friends and feel devoted to some but not all of them. 

Devotion is expressed in these terms:

• Value — “I highly value you; you are important to me.”
• Commitment — “I am committed to you; I pledge to be lovingly involved in your life.”
• Long-term commitment — “I’m in this relationship for the long haul. I’ll walk with you through good times and bad. We’re friends for life.”
• Priority — “My life, like yours, is multifaceted. However, you are a priority to me.
• Meeting needs — “I am aware of your physical and emotional needs and want to be a part of meeting those needs.”
• Faithfulness — “Relationally, I’m going to bind myself to you. I hope my deep commitment will make you feel secure.”
• Vulnerable communication — “I am willing to share with you the deep issues of my life, and you can trust me with the deep concerns of your life. I want to know you in a deep, intimate way.”
• Tenderness — “You are very dear to me.”
• Consistency — “You can count on me to be a consistent source of love and care.”
• Love, even unto death — “I would give my life for you.”

Question: to whom are you devoted? As suggested by the previous list, true devotion requires enormous commitment; have you made such a commitment to a few people? 

Soon after Jack Benny died, George Burns was interviewed on TV. “Jack and I had a wonderful friendship for fifty-five years,” Burns said. “Jack never walked out on me when I sang a song, and I never walked out on him when he played the violin. We laughed together, we played together, we worked together, and we ate together. I suppose that for many of those years we talked every single day.”

In a sweet and sincere way, George Gurns and Jack Benny were devoted to each other.

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In her book The Defining Decade, psychologist Meg Jay describes an experiment in which researcher Laura Carstensen worked with twenty-year-olds to help them understand the importance of saving for retirement.

“Carstensen used virtual reality to help the subjects imagine their future selves. In one condition of her experiment, 25 subjects entered an immersive virtual reality environment and, in a virtual mirror, they saw digital representations of their current selves. In the other condition, 25 subjects entered the same virtual reality environment, but instead of seeing their current digital selves in the mirror, they saw an age-morphed version of their future selves. This second group saw what they will look like when they are old. 

“After the subjects emerged from the virtual experiment, they were told to allocate money toward a hypothetical retirement savings account. The subjects who had seen their current selves in the mirror set aside payments averaging $73.90. Those who saw their future selves set aside more than twice that amount, payments averaging $178.10” [page 190].

This experiment speaks to a problem that psychologists call present bias. We inordinately favor the present and discount the future. We seldom try to imagine and give weight to, things that will happen in the future. It’s a human tendency that fuels addiction, procrastination, impatience, immediate gratification, poor planning, and other problems. We tend to grab immediate rewards and avoid immediate costs such that our future well-being is jeopardized.

• We spend most of our income instead of saving for retirement. [78 percent of Americans say they’re “extremely” or “somewhat” concerned about not having enough money for retirement.]
• While addictions may give us immediate gratification, we discount their long-term effect on our lives and relationships.
• Our eating habits are not influenced by a regard for our future health.

In Carstensen’s experiment she helped young adults visualize the fact that one day they would be elderly, and that influenced their current decisions. We should try to replicate that same exercise in our own lives. Take time to reflect on the final decades of your life (average life expectancy for Americans is 78.6 years) and consider how your current lifestyle and decisions will adversely or beneficially impact your future.

“Planning is bringing the future into the present so that you can do something about it now.” Alan Lakein

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Good communication is invaluable in all relationships and organizations. Without it, misunderstanding, friction, confusion, and passivity run amuck.

A junior high science teacher decided to use his class as an opportunity to persuade his students to the benefits of abstinence. He put water in one beaker and 80 proof alcohol in another. Then he dropped an earthworm in each beaker. The worm in the water swam around and crawled up the side. The earthworm placed in the alcohol curled up and sank to the bottom. Confident in his results, the teacher asked, “Students, what does this teach us about consuming alcohol?” One student replied, “It teaches me that if you drink alcohol, you’ll never get worms.”

Good communication is essential in both personal relationships and in organizations, but it is very difficult and hard to assess. We should always assume that we’re failing at it. 

Here are two studies that demonstrate the disparity between perceived and actual competence in communicating.

In 1990, Elizabeth Newton earned a Ph.D. in psychology at Stanford by studying a simple game in which she assigned people to one of two roles: “tappers” and “listeners.” Tappers were given a list of twenty-five well-known songs, such as “Happy Birthday to You” and “The Star Spangled Banner.” Each tapper was asked to tap out the rhythm to a listener (by knocking on a table). The listener’s job was to guess the song, based on the rhythm being tapped. The listener’s job in this game is quite difficult. Over the course of Newton’s experiment, 120 songs were tapped out. Listeners guessed only 2.5 percent of the songs: 3 out of 120.  

But here’s what made the result worthy of a dissertation in psychology. Before the listeners guessed the name of the song, Newton asked the tappers to predict the odds that the listeners would guess correctly. They predicted that the odds were 50 percent. The tappers got their message across 1 time in 40, but they thought they were getting their message across 1 time in 2. Why? When a tapper taps, she is hearing the song in her head. Tappers are flabbergasted at how hard it is for the listeners to hear what the tapper hears. Never underestimate how difficult it is to communicate. [Heil, Parker, and Tate, Leadership and the Customer Revolution]

In their book The Leader’s Voice, Clark and Clarkson wrote, “The biggest problem with leadership communication is the illusion that it has occurred. A 2002 survey of 1,104 business professionals showed that while 86% of their leaders feel that they are great communicators, only 17% believe their leaders are, indeed, effective communicators.” 

They identify four fatal assumptions that leaders make:

1. Constituents understand what was communicated.
2. Constituents agree with what was communicated.
3. Constituents care about what was communicated.
4. Constituents will take appropriate action.

Perhaps the worst kind of miscommunication is when two parties finish a conversation and both think they understand each other but they don’t.

One of the most difficult challenges in communication is to transfer information from your mind into someone else’s mind without the loss of meaning or subtleties. So the next time you try to communicate with people, just assume they’re not getting your message, or at best, they’re only getting a small percentage of what you’re trying to communicate. It’s that hard.

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Benjamin West was just trying to be a good babysitter for his little sister Sally. While his mother was out, Benjamin found some bottles of colored ink and proceeded to paint Sally’s portrait. But by the time Mrs. West returned, ink blots stained the table, chairs, and floor. Benjamin’s mother surveyed the mess without a word until she saw the picture. Picking it up, she exclaimed, “Why, it’s Sally!” And she bent down and kissed her young son.

In 1763, when he was 25 years old, Benjamin West was selected as history painter to England’s King George III. He became one of the most celebrated artists of his day, becoming president of the Royal Academy of Arts. Commenting on his start as an artist, he said, “My mother’s kiss made me a painter.” 

What if she had responded differently; what if she had rebuked young Benjamin for the mess he had made with his paints? What if she had scolded Benjamin and taken away his art supplies? Years later it might have been said, “His mother’s rebuke crushed his artistic gift.” 

Perhaps his gift would have emerged either way, but isn’t it grand that his mother’s kind and encouraging words affirmed and gave momentum to his talent.

Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.” West’s mother’s words were fitly spoken and unleashed Benjamin’s prodigious talent in painting. 

We all possess a powerful asset that doesn’t cost us anything to dispense and it’s self-replenishing—words of affirmation. When spoken at critical moments, they are powerful enough to change a person’s life. 

I’m grateful for times when I was the recipient of life-giving words. 

• When I was six, my grandfather saw me playing with random pieces of wood and nails and said, “Look what Don is doing; he knows how to figure things out.”
• When I finished my year as president of my church youth choir, my minister of music wrote me a letter, commending me for strong leadership.
• In my first job directing a church choir, a physician in the choir approached me and said, “You really get a lot accomplished in rehearsals.”

Of all the millions of statements I’ve heard in 67 years, why do I remember these three? Because they impacted me deeply and changed the trajectory of my life.

Your words are extremely powerful, especially when you’re in a position of authority: parents, grandparents, employers, persons in uniform, elected officials…use your position and the power of your words to encourage, stimulate, and inspire people.

Benjamin West painted his sister’s portrait on the furniture and floor. Because of his mother’s careful response, he would someday paint portraits of Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, and English royalty. 

At the top of this post is a picture of his famous painting: The Death of General Wolfe

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