Don McMinn

Feelings are more dangerous than ideas because they aren’t susceptible to rational evaluation. —Brian Eno

Have you watched this video? If not, please do so.

I am surprised by, and sometimes frustrated at, some people’s submission to emotions. Emotions dominate their lives. Rational thought is ignored and facts are resisted. Like the lady with the nail in her forehead, life is seen exclusively through the lens of emotions.

I do understand and appreciate human emotionality—I even wrote a book on the subject. But let’s pursue a balance between emotions and rational thought. Don’t live your life based on emotions, and for sure, don’t make decisions based on emotions.

Can we agree on the following?

Learn to tell the difference between feeling and thinking.

Mark Twain said, “We do no end of feeling and mistake that for thinking.” Often, we’re simply not aware of which part of our brain is most active at any given moment: our limbic system (emotions) or our frontal lobe (thinking and reasoning). When you’re feeling angry, sad, happy, rejected, overwhelmed, fulfilled—those are feelings. When you’re considering data and facts and you favor rational discourse and the thoughtful weighing of evidence—that’s thinking.

There is often an inverse relationship between feeling and thinking.

Sometimes the more emotionally stirred-up we are, the less rational we are. In extreme cases, when someone is emotionally peaked, he or she may be incapable of thinking rationally. Likewise, if we view life exclusively through the lens of rationality, we won’t fully understand the human condition and we’ll miss out on the depth of human experience. Strive for balance. Avoid emotional incontinence.

Don’t immediately act on feelings.

In his must-read book, The Road to Character, David Brooks said, “The point of all this (self-regulation) was to separate instant emotion from action, to reduce the power of temporary feelings. A person might feel fear, but he would not act on it. A person might desire sweets, but would be able to repress the urge to eat them. The stoic ideal holds that an emotion should be distrusted more often than trusted. Emotion robs you of agency, so distrust desire. Distrust anger, and even sadness and grief. Regard these things as one might regard fire: useful when tightly controlled, but a ravaging force when left unchecked.”

When making decisions, rely more on facts.

To make a sound decision, you need facts. Seek them out and prioritize them. Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinions but not to their own facts. Occasionally, opinions and personal perspectives need to be considered, but not before the facts are examined. For sure, when you’re peaking emotionally, refrain from making major decisions.

In general, rational thinking trumps emotions.

All humans are inescapably emotional, so we can’t ignore human emotionality. Our lives are filled with both positive emotions (I feel affirmed, satisfied, happy, content, supported) and painful emotions (I feel sad, neglected, hurt, alone, unsupported), and they are part of the human experience, contributing to our very existence. But logic and reasoning provide a surer path to truth and progress.

[reminder]What are your thoughts about this essay?[/reminder]

Summary

What? – Live a balanced life in which both emotions and reason are in their place and at their best.
So what? – Don’t let emotions rule your life.
Now what? – If you tend to be overly emotional, work on establishing a more healthy balance of emotion and reason.
Leaders – Emotional intelligence is an important skill for leaders to have. Learn how to control your own emotions and how to properly respond to other people’s emotions. Base your leadership and particularly your decision-making on facts and rational thought.

[callout]Recommended Article

Occasionally, I’ll include in a post, the link to an interesting article which addresses a different topic than the post.

Here’s a fascinating article – Death, the Prosperity Gospel and Me – by Kate Bowler (February 13, 2016; New York Times). It raises some thought provoking issues about the prosperity gospel. Click here for the article.[/callout]

That’s all I can stands, and I can’t stands no more. —Popeye

Do you remember the cartoon character, Popeye the Sailor Man? He was long-suffering and took a lot of abuse from bullies. But there would come a time when he had endured all he could. His patience exhausted, he would say, “That’s all I can stands, and I can’t stands no more.” Then he’d crack open a can of spinach, consume it in one gulp, his muscles would grow, and then he’d beat up the bad guys.

Sometimes, we need to have a “Popeye moment.”

Here are some areas to think about.

Distance yourself from unhealthy relationships.

Karl Albrecht suggests, “You can ‘fire’ anyone from your life whom you find toxic and disaffirming to your personhood.” Granted, some relationships are easier to jettison than others (it’s easier to disengage from a colleague at work than from a family member), but to one degree or another, you can and should distance yourself from injurious relationships. You may need to “fire” a customer or a friend or a neighbor. Offer “pink slips” to people who don’t belong in your life.

If you’re overcommitted, trim back.

The Plimsoll line is a reference mark located on a ship’s hull that indicates the maximum depth to which the vessel may be safely immersed when loaded with cargo. If you put more cargo on the ship than recommended, bad things can happen.

In like manner, every human has a “personal Plimsoll line” that indicates how much “cargo” he or she can negotiate. We all have different capacities so you need to determine what your limit is and stay under it.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed you’re probably overcommitted. Analyze all your commitments by asking this question. “If I wasn’t currently doing this, would I start doing it now?” If the answer is no, perhaps you should hit the delete button.

Position yourself so that when you need to, you can push back on unacceptable situations.

You may want to flee an uncomfortable situation but you can’t because there are no good alternatives. You’ve painted yourself into a corner and have no options. It may take time to reposition, but ultimately you need to build in some margin and options so you can aggressively respond to distasteful situations. A friend advised me to always have six months of “go-to-hell money” in my savings account. “That way, if your job becomes unbearable,” he said, “you can tell your boss what you think and then walk away.”

Often, we slowly drift into intolerable situations, which makes them harder to see.

The “boiling frog anecdote” describes a frog slowly being boiled alive. The premise is that if a frog is placed in boiling water, it will jump out, but if it is placed in cold water that is slowly heated, it will not perceive the danger and will slowly be cooked to death. The story is often used as a metaphor for the inability or unwillingness of people to respond to threats that develop gradually. These situations are usually the hardest to recognize. The slow slip into jeopardy is so subtle that we are unaware of the descent.

Let me give a prosaic example of a slow drift into an intolerable situation. Over the course of about nine months I slowly developed a serious sinus infection. If I had been stricken by the flu I would have recognized it; if I had had a heart attack it would have been obvious. But the gradual descent into nasal catastrophe was so subtle that I didn’t respond aggressively; I just developed increasing tolerance for the yucky symptoms. I finally had a Popeye Moment, made an appointment with an ENT physician, and the problem was solved.

Audit your life and determine if you’re tolerating an uncomfortable or compromising situation. If you are, allow yourself a Popeye Moment—“That’s all I can stands, and I can’t stands no more”— then follow through and change the situation.

[reminder]What are your thoughts about this essay?[/reminder]

[callout]Recommended Article

Occasionally, I’ll include in a post, the link to an interesting article which addresses a different topic than the post.

Here’s a fascinating article – Finding Beauty in the Darkness – written by Lawrence Krauss (February 13, 2016; New York Times). It speaks of the unfathomable beauty and majesty of God’s creation. Click here for the article.  [/callout]

Bill Brooks, management consultant, tells how visualizing success helped Florence Chadwick become the first woman to swim the English Channel.

“When Florence Chadwick set out from the coast of France to make her historic swim in 1952, she was full of hope and courage. The lone swimmer was surrounded by boats filled with journalists, well-wishers and a few skeptics. For years she had trained vigorously to build her stamina and disciplined her body to keep going long after everything within her cried out for her to quit.

“As she neared the coast of England a heavy fog settled in and the waters became increasingly cold and choppy. ‘Come on Florence, you can make it!’ her mother urged as she handed her some food. ‘It’s only a few more miles! You’re ahead of schedule!’ But Florence was beaten by the tortuous elements of nature that day.

“Exhausted, she finally asked to be pulled aboard the boat. She was heartbroken, especially when she discovered how close she’d come to her goal.

“‘I’m not making excuses,’ she later told reporters, ‘but I think I could have made it if I could only have seen my goal.’

“Florence determined to try again. This time, she added a new dimension to her daily training. She studied the shoreline of England where she expected to land, and memorized every feature of the seacoast. Each day as she swam, she would replay that mental image of her goal.

“Eventually, she entered the waters again and set out for the coast of England. Along the way, she ran into all the fog, turbulence and cold water she’d met before. But this time something was different. She swam with greater vigor and determination. Even the skeptics noticed her new confidence.

“She became the first woman in history to swim the English Channel.”

What made the difference? She said later that it was because she was able to keep her goal clearly in focus in her mind, even when she couldn’t see it with her eyes.

I’ve used this principle often in life. When training to run the New York Marathon I often imagined crossing the finish line in Central Park. When working on my graduate degree I would fantasize about having Ph.D. as a post-nominal. When I was writing my first book I imagined holding the book and caressing the cover. Starting with the end in mind helped me to persevere when the journey got hard (and it always does get hard).

Starting with the end in mind will not only offer needed motivation, it can help us in practical ways. Visualize the end of a project and then work backwards, identifying the major steps required to complete it. For instance, reverse-engineer the building of a house: in your mind, see the completed house and then dismantle it one step at a time in the reverse order of how it will be built. Reverse-engineer a major project at work or a vacation—any goal that involves multiple consecutive steps.

[reminder]What are your thoughts about this essay?[/reminder]

Summary
What? – When attempting a major project it often helps to visualize the completed project.
So what? – Visualizing the end of a project motivates us to persevere during difficult times and it may help us properly plan the project.
Now what? – Choose a project you’re about to start and visualize what it will look like when you’re finished. Keep these images in mind as you work on the project.

[callout]Recommended Article

Occasionally, I’ll include in a post, the link to an interesting article which addresses a different topic than the post.

My friend, Phil Bruce, sent me the link to an excellent article written by Peter Bregman, published by Harvard Business Review, titled How to Read a Book a Week. It offers practical advice on how to learn from reading. Click here for the article. [/callout]

 

Feedback is a gift.

Everyone who has physical sight has a physical blind spot. Where your optic nerve exits the eye on its way to the brain, it creates an area on the retina without receptors that respond to light. Any image that falls in this region will not be seen.

Everyone also has a psychological blind spot—areas of your life that are apparent to everyone else but unseen by you.

The Johari Window (see graphic) is a simple four-pane grid that divides our self-awareness into four parts based on what other people know and don’t know about us and what we know and don’t know about ourselves.

To me, the most intriguing area is the unknown—those elements that are yet to be discovered. The most frightening area is the blind spot—areas of my life that are obvious to others but obscure to me.

Your blind spot (singular) encompasses multiple issues. Some of these issues are positive in nature—people may recognize strengths in you that you are unaware of. Some of the issues are negative—people see a flaw in your character or behavior that you don’t see. In this essay we’ll focus on the flaws because they are the hardest to uncover and acknowledge.

One of the greatest opportunities for self-improvement lies in discovering and disempowering these “unknown-to-self” flaws. It’s one of the most difficult things to do in life but the results are significant, even transformative. Here are some suggestions on how to become aware of your blind spot.

• Acknowledge that you have a blind spot filled with numerous defects. What do you think? Does the upper right-hand quadrant of the Johari Window apply to you? Please say yes.
• Desire to journey into this unknown and treacherous parcel of self.
• Find someone who is insightful enough to see clearly what you cannot see and who is willing to speak truth to you. Most people either don’t have the insight or don’t have the courage to do this. Find that rare person who knows you well and is willing to tell you difficult information.
• Ask this person(s) to speak into your life, assuring him or her that what they say will not compromise your relationship.
• Accept what is said. Initially, you may be surprised at what is said and even deny that the problems exist. That’s normal, because it’s a…blind spot.
• Meditate on these areas and embrace them as truth. Notice how they are manifest in your life and consider how these areas have hurt others and impeded your progress.
• In an appropriate manner, go public with your intention to correct the flaws and solicit people who will hold you accountable. Give them a regular update on your progress.

Marshall Goldsmith is one of the most sought-after life coaches in America. He works with high-level executives from all industries. He has a simple but highly effective strategy for helping his clients see and repair their blind spots. His book What Got You Here Won’t Get You There outlines the plan he uses with his clients. If you’re serious about dealing with your blind spot, read this book and follow his plan.

[reminder]What are your thoughts about this essay?[/reminder]

Summary
What? – Everyone has a psychological blind spot that can be discovered.
So what? – Our lives and relationships will improve when we eradicate our blind spot.
Now what? – Begin the process of discovering and eliminating your blind spot.