Don McMinn

We all recognize the value of learning from our own mistakes, but Eleanor’s statement suggests a broader perspective from which to learn.

When was the last time you learned from the mistakes of others?

• • • Today’s politicians are teaching me that extreme, blind loyalty is often unwise and ill-advised.  
    • A friend of mine hired someone without properly vetting him. His new employee is not working out. 
    • I attended a workshop at which the speaker’s computer didn’t interface with the room’s projector. She had not tested the technology before her presentation.

To broaden the scope of this issue, realize that we can learn from the mistakes of every person who has ever lived. History is a great tutor.

• • • King Pyrrhus of Epirus (319–272 BC) taught me to avoid Pyrrhic victories (a success that comes with great losses or unacceptable costs).
    • Samsung CEO Lee Kun-Hee taught me the value of insisting on robust dialogue among my team members at work. (He lost his company billions of dollars by pursuing a personal project that everyone knew was doomed to failure; but he didn’t ask his team’s opinion.)
    • Ernest Shackleton taught me to never put the well-being of my team in jeopardy because of a personal goal.

So remember, it’s good to learn from your own mistakes; it’s better to learn from the mistakes of others.

Respond to this post and tell us when you last learned from someone else’s mistake.

We should all have a vision of our future selves. An upgraded version of who we currently are. What do we want to be more of (kind, patient, healthy, friendly) or less of (selfish, nervous, fearful)? We should aspire to be better than we currently are.

But once we have identified areas that need improvement, how do we make the changes? The key is daily practice. Long-lasting change doesn’t happen immediately; it develops gradually. Behavior modification takes time. 

Here are two areas of my life that I want to improve, so I practice them daily.

Be a better listener.

Recently, I had a conversation with the help desk at a major cruise line. It went something like this:

Don — I’m calling about reservation QRDTGG. The Regal Princess ship leaves Ft. Lauderdale on April 17 and ends in Barcelona.

Agent — I’m here to help you. Do you have a reservation?

Don — Yes, it’s QRDTGG.

Agent — What is the departure city?

Don — I’ve already told you.

Agent — What is the departure date?

Don — Are you listening to me?

The conversation continued to deteriorate. The agent might have been hearing what I was saying but he wasn’t listening.

This frustrating encounter caused me to analyze my own conversational skills. Do I listen intently to what others are saying, or does my mind wander to other things?

I want to be a better, more focused listener, so I’m practicing that every day.

I also want to make my “resting face” more pleasant.

Our resting face is how we look when we’re not intentionally manipulating our face to look pleasant or engaged. It’s our default setting: the way we look when we’re alone. The challenge is, when we’re around people and particularly when we’re in conversations, our resting fact is inadequate. We need to change to an engaged face.

Sometimes a resting face unintentionally creates the impression that we’re angry, annoyed, irritated, or contemptuous, although we may simply be relaxed, resting, or not expressing any particular emotion.

I realized I had a problem in this area when Mary and my daughters would sometimes ask. “Don are you upset? Is everything okay? Are you mad at me?” My bland countenance left them wondering. If my family is struggling with interpreting my mood because of my sour countenance, I’m sure other people are too. 

So, I want to permanently change my resting face into a pleasant, more open countenance. I want to have a subtle but constant smile. It will take time, perhaps years. But I’ll practice every day. 

Here’s my challenge to you: Identify three or four areas of your life that you want to change and on a daily basis practice the new behavior. 

A four-year-old boy was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, “Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?” “Because,” his dad explained, “after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color.”

There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, “Daddy, are you talking to me?”

In the 2004 U.S. presidential campaign, democratic nominee John Kerry said he felt the need to offer “a bold, progressive internationalism that stands in stark contrast to the too often belligerent and myopic unilateralism of the Bush administration.” Huh?

A local school district’s community questionnaire said, “The educational system should be organized and conducted so as to achieve maximum cost-benefit results from efficiencies in process and economies of scale within size limitations which will make units of the system responsive and accountable to parents and citizens.” Presumably, this was written by a human, but I wonder. 

The meaning of these statements may have been clear in the mind of the speaker, but the hearers were confused.

If you’re a physician talking to physicians, or a philosopher talking to philosophers, go ahead and use your profession’s jargon. But if you’re addressing a more diverse audience, use their language and vocabulary. 

When asked to describe his writing style, American novelist Elmore Leonard said, “I try to leave out the parts that readers skip.” In like manner, when we speak to others, leave out the parts and the words they don’t understand.

Four years ago I started shopping for a dog. I wasn’t looking for a guard dog or a hunting dog. I just wanted a friend and companion. I considered all breeds, settled on a blonde golden retriever, and bought Buddy. 

Buddy is solid white—when running in the snow he disappears. He is a gentle giant—82 pounds of muscle—but so tender that my grandson often sticks his hand in Buddy’s mouth with no consequences. He’s my faithful friend. I usually spend the last 30 minutes of every evening with Buddy and Johnny, just sitting on the couch. He’s everything I want in a dog.

But he has one very frustrating, annoying idiosyncrasy. Sometimes, while walking around the house he gets “stuck” and becomes immobile; he freezes in place and cannot be moved. It takes time and gentle persuasion to get him past the hurdle. Here’s a picture of this happening on the stairs.  

But, he’s my beloved dog, so I accept his peculiarities. 

We face the same challenge in human relationships. We all have ticks—points of weirdness. When relating to other peoples’ idiosyncrasies, instead of being bothered by them and trying to correct them, perhaps we should just take a deep breath, accept them, and carry on. And hope others will give grace when we’re acting out our eccentricities. 

I’m an amateur artist, specializing in pedagogical art—art that teaches a lesson. I recently finished the painting shown below. When I show it to others, people immediately focus on the small black dot in the middle of the white canvas. Some ask if it is a mistake. The painting is an illustration of what I’m talking about in this post. In our relationships we often focus too much on the one or two aspects of a person’s personality that bother us, ignoring the vast amount of goodness they exhibit.  

Consider your closest relationships and identify what each person’s “black dot” is. Perhaps you should overlook it (and hope they overlook yours).

British Isles Cruise – September 14-29

If you’re interested in going on the fall Travel with Friends trip, let me know ASAP. There’s only one cabin left.  Here’s the brochure.