Don McMinn

“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.” 

This line, from John Milton’s epic poem, “Paradise Lost” (1667), is spoken by Satan who is trying to make himself feel better about living in hell. He thinks that if he tries real hard, he can make hell seem as good as heaven.

Let’s avoid the theological implications of this phrase and just extract from it a lesson we can apply to our lives. 

Here’s my paraphrase of Milton’s sentence: Though we may not be able to change our circumstances, we can choose how we interpret and respond to our circumstances. Our attitude can be positive or negative. Regardless of your circumstances, you can choose to be an optimist or a pessimist. 

Consider the plight of Peruvians: I’ve been to Peru twice and can attest to the fact that Peruvians are kind, sociable, and happy—even though most live in poverty. Approximately 51% of homes in Peru do not have a refrigerator, and yet, according to the latest study from the Worldwide Independent Network (WIN), Peru has one of the highest happiness rates in the world.

Compare Peruvians with many middle- and upper-class Americans who are relatively safe and well-funded, but live pessimistic, despondent lives.  

Here’s a good example of what I’m talking about: I have a friend who struggles with multiple sclerosis. She moves with the help of a walker or wheelchair. She’s in constant pain. But she’s engaged in life and work and maintains a positive view of the future. (Karen, I admire you so much.)

I don’t mean to minimize the pain and difficulty that we all live with, and some people have more than others. I do want to underscore the choice we all have as to how we respond to difficult times and situations.

I have little patience for people who are perennially negative and pessimistic. I admire and enjoy being with people who are positive and optimistic.

“Charm is deceptive” (Proverbs 31:30). 

“Though their speech is charming, do not believe them” (Proverbs 26:25).

Some people are unintentionally charming. For instance, my grandson, Benjamin. He’s endearing, likable, funny, adorable, and appealing. He doesn’t try to be charming, he just is. This is the adjective form of the word.

But some people intentionally try to charm people, often to manipulate them. This is the verb form of the word. Beware of these people.

For instance:

• • • We may be overly influenced by someone’s good looks; but just because someone is attractive, doesn’t mean she or he is competent, or possesses good character. Yet, studies indicate that attractive people are more likely to get hired for a job. Why is that so? 
    • We may be attracted to someone who talks a lot. But does verbosity imply anything other than…verbosity? 
    • We may be inordinately impressed by someone who has overcome a major obstacle. But is that single, valiant act reason to be entranced? 
    • Some people are overly impressed by professional athletes or movie stars. These individuals obviously excel at something, but does their narrow expertise make them an authority in other areas?

Leaders, when choosing team members don’t be misled by factors that don’t relate to job performance. Don’t be enamored by looks, talk, or bravado. Focus on qualities and experience that indicate competence and good character.

I started this post with Bible verses; I’ll end with one. 

“Don’t judge by his appearance or height… The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7, NLT).

There’s a Spanish word – sobremesa – that summarizes the message I want to convey in this post. It describes the time spent around the table after lunch or dinner, talking to the people you shared the meal with; time to digest and savor both food and friendship.

There is something profoundly satisfying about sharing a meal with other people. Eating together is one of the oldest and most fundamental unifying human experiences. It can simultaneously fulfill physical, emotional, and relational needs.

It will help establish and deepen friendships

If I share my food with you it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it. (That’s a joke.) Seriously, I can’t think of another setting that’s better for solidifying friendships than gathering to eat. It slows down our pace, narrows our space, focuses our attention, and creates a relaxing ambience—all of which are beneficial for deepening friendships.

It’s good for business

Since humans first walked the earth, we’ve known that sharing a meal can be good for business. For instance, a recent study revealed that it doesn’t take much to get a doctor to prescribe a brandname medication—just a free meal. The study found that U.S. doctors who received a single free meal from a drug company were more likely to prescribe the drug than doctors who received no such meals. Meals paid for by drug companies cost less than $20 on average. [Even Cheap Meals Influence Doctors’ Drug Prescriptions, Study Suggests, Peter Loftus, WSJ, June 20, 2016].

I’ve never understood why some organizations are stingy with the amount of funds allocated for business meals. I once worked with a group of six senior executives at a $75 million dollar a year business. They were frustrated that the CEO, in order to save money, eliminated their budget for business meals, which saved the company a whopping $24k a year. I suspect that poor decision cost the company a lot of revenue.

It engenders good will

Treat someone to a $15 lunch and they’ll be your friend forever. Well, that’s an exaggeration; but it’s true that even a small amount of money and time will generate a lot of relational capital.

A weekly family meal can become a wonderful family tradition

I enjoy watching the sitcom, Bluebloods (on CBS). It follows the lives of three generations of New York City police officers. In most episodes, there’s a scene showing their weekly, Sunday afternoon family meal in which they gather around the dinner table to talk, argue, laugh, and pass the potatoes.

Every family would benefit from this tradition. My family has started eating a meal together every Friday night at the Lakehouse, followed by games. Last week the game was, Get in groups of three people, grab one of the dogs, and teach it to dance. In a moment, choose a song you want to dance to and let it rip. We laughed so hard our sides ached.

I double-dog-dare you: initiate and host meals and enjoy the sobremesa.

Years ago, I attended a meeting in which my boss asked several of us our opinion about an impending decision he needed to make. Robust dialogue ensued. But we later discovered that he had already made the decision before asking for our input. We felt used and manipulated.

The French have a term for that—fait accompli—a thing that has already happened or been decided before those affected hear about it, leaving them with no option but to accept it; a thing accomplished and presumably irreversible. 

Fait accompli is deceptive and discourteous; it’s a form of lying.

Let’s consider it from two perspectives.

Don’t do it to others. 

• • • Don’t ask your family where they want to go on vacation if you’ve already solidified a trip.
    • As a leader, If you’ve already made a decision, just announce it.  Don’t waste people’s time by asking them to think or talk about it. If you’re 90% sure that you’re going to make a particular decision but want to get some last-minute input, be upfront about your leanings, but don’t ask for input if your mind is made up.  

Beware of when you’re being manipulated by it.

• • • If you suspect that you’re being manipulated in this way, call it out: “Is this decision already made?” 
    • If you know for sure that a decision has already been made, don’t waste your brain cells thinking about it.

The term “fait accompli” can also refer to what has been done and cannot be changed. Synonyms would include: done deal, completed act, “it is what it is.” If this is the case, just accept reality and move on.

For instance:

John –  “I can’t believe our boss is requiring us to work the next two weekends.”

Jane – “Well, there’s no point in continuing to talk about it, it’s fait accompli. Let’s just make the best of it.”

Learn to spot fait accompli and carefully respond to it.